Never, surely, before, had I known the world so silent. Under the hedges that lined the field there were soldiers like ghosts; our own wagons, with the sanitars walking beside them, moved across the ground without even the creak of a wheel. Semyonov was to meet us in an hour’s time at a certain crossroad. I was given the command of the party. I was now, in literal truth, breathlessly excited. My heart was beating in my breast like some creature who makes running leaps at escape. My tongue was dry and my brain hot. But I was happy … happy with a strange exaltation that was unlike any emotion that I had known before. It was in part the happiness that I had known sometimes in Rugby football or in tennis when the players were evenly matched and the game hard, but it was more than that. It had in it something of the happiness that I have known, after many days at sea, on the first view of land—but it was more than that. Something of the happiness of possessing, at last, some object which one has many days desired and never hoped to attain—but more, too, than that. Something of the happiness of danger or pain that one has dreaded and finds, in actual truth, give way before one’s resolution—but more, again, than that. This happiness, this exultation that I felt now but dimly, and was to know more fully afterwards (but never, alas, as my companions were to know it) is the subject of this book. The scent of it, the full revelation of it, has not, until now, been my reward; I can only, as a spectator, watch that revelation as it came afterwards to others more fortunate than I. But what I write is the truth as far as I, from the outside, have seen it. If it is not true, this book has no value whatever.
We were warned by the soldier who guarded us not to walk in a group and we stole now, beneath a garden-wall, white under the moon, in a long line. I could hear Trenchard behind me stumbling over the stones and ruts, walking as he always did with little jerks, as though his legs were beyond his control. We came then on to the high road, which was so white and clear in the moonlight that it seemed as though the whole Austrian army must instantly whisper to themselves: “Ah, there they are!” and fire. The ditch to our right, as far as I could see, was lined with soldiers, hidden by the hedge behind them, their rifles just pointing on to the white surface of the land. Our guide asked them their division and was answered in a whisper. The soldiers were ghosts: there was no one, save ourselves, alive in the whole world. …
Then a little incident occurred. I was walking in the rear of our wagons that I might see that all were there. I felt a touch on my arm and found Andrey Vassilievitch standing in the middle of the road. His face, staring at me as though I were a stranger, expressed desperate determination.
“Come on,” I said. “We’ve no time to waste.”
“I’m not coming,” he whispered back. His voice was breathless as though he had been running.
“Nonsense,” I answered roughly, and I put my hand on his arm. His body trembled in jerks and starts.
“It’s madness … this road … the moon. … Of course they’ll fire. … We’ll all be killed. But it isn’t … it isn’t … I can’t move. …”
“You must move. … Come, Andrey Vassilievitch, you’ve been brave enough all day. There’s no danger, I tell you. See how quiet everything is. You must. …”
“I can’t. … It’s nothing … nothing to do with me. … It’s awful all day—and now this!”
I thought of Marie Ivanovna early in the morning. I looked down the road and saw that the wagons were slowly moving into the distant shadows.
“You must come,” I repeated. “We can’t leave you here. Don’t think of yourself. And nothing can touch you—nothing, I tell you.”
“I’ll go back, I must. I can’t go on.”
“Go back? How can you? Where to? You can’t go back to the trench. We shan’t know where to find you.” A furious anger seized me; I caught his arm. “I’ll leave you, if you like. There are other things more important.”
I move away from him. He looked down the long road, looked back.
“Oh, I can’t … I can’t,” he repeated.
“What did you come for?” I whispered furiously. “What did you think war was? … Well, goodbye, do as you please!”
As I drew away I saw a look of desperate determination in his eyes. He looked at me like a dog who expects to be beaten. Then what must have been one of the supreme moments of his life came to him. I saw him struggle to command, with the effort of his whole soul, his terror. For a moment he wavered. He made a hopeless gesture with his hand, took two little steps as though he would run into the hedge amongst the soldiers and hide there, then suddenly walked past me, quickly, towards the wagons, with his own absurd little strut, with his head up, giving his cough, looking, after that, neither to the right, nor to the left.
In silence we caught up the wagons. Soon, at some crossroads, they came to a pause. The guide was waiting for me. “It would be better, your Honour,” he whispered, “for the wagons to stay here. We shall go now simply with the stretchers. …”
We left the wagons and, some fifteen of us, turned off down
