You Never Can Tell

mind has had since she was a child. Valentine Amazingly relieved. O-oh! Oh, that’s all right. He sits down again and throws his hat flippantly aside with the air of a man who has no longer anything to fear. Mrs. Clandon Indignant at his assurance. What do you mean? Valentine Turning confidentially to her. Come: shall I teach you something, Mrs. Clandon? Mrs. Clandon Stiffly. I am always willing to learn. Valentine Have you ever studied the subject of gunnery⁠—artillery⁠—cannons and warships and so on? Mrs. Clandon Has gunnery anything to do with Gloria? Valentine A great deal⁠—by way of illustration. During this whole century, my dear Mrs. Clandon, the progress of artillery has been a duel between the maker of cannons and the maker of armor plates to keep the cannon balls out. You build a ship proof against the best gun known: somebody makes a better gun and sinks your ship. You build a heavier ship, proof against that gun: somebody makes a heavier gun and sinks you again. And so on. Well, the duel of sex is just like that. Mrs. Clandon The duel of sex! Valentine Yes: you’ve heard of the duel of sex, haven’t you? Oh, I forgot: you’ve been in Madeira: the expression has come up since your time. Need I explain it? Mrs. Clandon Contemptuously. No. Valentine Of course not. Now what happens in the duel of sex? The old fashioned mother received an old fashioned education to protect her against the wiles of man. Well, you know the result: the old fashioned man got round her. The old fashioned woman resolved to protect her daughter more effectually⁠—to find some armor too strong for the old fashioned man. So she gave her daughter a scientific education⁠—your plan. That was a corker for the old fashioned man: he said it wasn’t fair⁠—unwomanly and all the rest of it. But that didn’t do him any good. So he had to give up his old fashioned plan of attack⁠—you know⁠—going down on his knees and swearing to love, honor and obey, and so on. Mrs. Clandon Excuse me: that was what the woman swore. Valentine Was it? Ah, perhaps you’re right⁠—yes: of course it was. Well, what did the man do? Just what the artillery man does⁠—went one better than the woman⁠—educated himself scientifically and beat her at that game just as he had beaten her at the old game. I learnt how to circumvent the Women’s Rights woman before I was twenty- three: it’s all been found out long ago. You see, my methods are thoroughly modern. Mrs. Clandon With quiet disgust. No doubt. Valentine But for that very reason there’s one sort of girl against whom they are of no use. Mrs. Clandon Pray which sort? Valentine The thoroughly old fashioned girl. If you had brought up Gloria in the old way, it would have taken me eighteen months to get to the point I got to this afternoon in eighteen minutes. Yes, Mrs. Clandon: the Higher Education of Women delivered Gloria into my hands; and it was you who taught her to believe in the Higher Education of Women. Mrs. Clandon Rising. Mr. Valentine: you are very clever. Valentine Rising also. Oh, Mrs. Clandon! Mrs. Clandon And you have taught me nothing. Goodbye. Valentine Horrified. Goodbye! Oh, mayn’t I see her before I go? Mrs. Clandon I am afraid she will not return until you have gone Mr. Valentine. She left the room expressly to avoid you. Valentine Thoughtfully. That’s a good sign. Goodbye. He bows and makes for the door, apparently well satisfied. Mrs. Clandon Alarmed. Why do you think it a good sign? Valentine Turning near the door. Because I am mortally afraid of her; and it looks as if she were mortally afraid of me. He turns to go and finds himself face to face with Gloria, who has just entered. She looks steadfastly at him. He stares helplessly at her; then round at Mrs. Clandon; then at Gloria again, completely at a loss. Gloria White, and controlling herself with difficulty. Mother: is what Dolly told me true? Mrs. Clandon What did she tell you, dear? Gloria That you have been speaking about me to this gentleman. Valentine Murmuring. This gentleman! Oh! Mrs. Clandon Sharply. Mr. Valentine: can you hold your tongue for a moment? He looks piteously at them; then, with a despairing shrug, goes back to the ottoman and throws his hat on it. Gloria Confronting her mother, with deep reproach. Mother: what right had you to do it? Mrs. Clandon I don’t think I have said anything I have no right to say, Gloria. Valentine Confirming her officiously. Nothing. Nothing whatever. Gloria looks at him with unspeakable indignation. I beg your pardon. He sits down ignominiously on the ottoman. Gloria I cannot believe that anyone has any right even to think about things that concern me only. She turns away from them to conceal a painful struggle with her emotion. Mrs. Clandon My dear, if I have wounded your pride⁠— Gloria Turning on them for a moment. My pride! My pride!! Oh, it’s gone: I have learnt now that I have no strength to be proud of. Turning away again. But if a woman cannot protect herself, no one can protect her. No one has any right to try⁠—not even her mother. I know I have lost your confidence, just as I have lost this man’s respect;⁠—She stops to master a sob. Valentine Under his breath. This man! Murmuring again. Oh! Mrs. Clandon In an undertone. Pray be silent, sir. Gloria Continuing.⁠—but I have at least the right to be left alone in my disgrace. I am one of those weak creatures born to be mastered by the first man whose eye is caught by them; and I must fulfill my destiny, I suppose. At least spare me the humiliation of trying to save me. She sits down, with her handkerchief to her eyes, at the farther end of the