You Never Can Tell

table. Valentine Jumping up. Look here⁠— Mrs. Clandon Mr. Va⁠— Valentine Recklessly. No: I will speak: I’ve been silent for nearly thirty seconds. He goes up to Gloria. Miss Clandon⁠— Gloria Bitterly. Oh, not Miss Clandon: you have found that it is quite safe to call me Gloria. Valentine No, I won’t: you’ll throw it in my teeth afterwards and accuse me of disrespect. I say it’s a heartbreaking falsehood that I don’t respect you. It’s true that I didn’t respect your old pride: why should I? It was nothing but cowardice. I didn’t respect your intellect: I’ve a better one myself: it’s a masculine specialty. But when the depths stirred!⁠—when my moment came!⁠—when you made me brave!⁠—ah, then, then, then! Gloria Then you respected me, I suppose. Valentine No, I didn’t: I adored you. She rises quickly and turns her back on him. And you can never take that moment away from me. So now I don’t care what happens. He comes down the room addressing a cheerful explanation to nobody in particular. I’m perfectly aware that I’m talking nonsense. I can’t help it. To Mrs. Clandon. I love Gloria; and there’s an end of it. Mrs. Clandon Emphatically. Mr. Valentine: you are a most dangerous man. Gloria: come here. Gloria, wondering a little at the command, obeys, and stands, with drooping head, on her mother’s right hand, Valentine being on the opposite side. Mrs. Clandon then begins, with intense scorn. Ask this man whom you have inspired and made brave, how many women have inspired him before Gloria looks up suddenly with a flash of jealous anger and amazement; how many times he has laid the trap in which he has caught you; how often he has baited it with the same speeches; how much practice it has taken to make him perfect in his chosen part in life as the Duellist of Sex. Valentine This isn’t fair. You’re abusing my confidence, Mrs. Clandon. Mrs. Clandon Ask him, Gloria. Gloria In a flush of rage, going over to him with her fists clenched. Is that true? Valentine Don’t be angry⁠— Gloria Interrupting him implacably. Is it true? Did you ever say that before? Did you ever feel that before⁠—for another woman? Valentine Bluntly. Yes. Gloria raises her clenched hands. Mrs. Clandon Horrified, springing to her side and catching her uplifted arm. Gloria!! My dear! You’re forgetting yourself. Gloria, with a deep expiration, slowly relaxes her threatening attitude. Valentine Remember: a man’s power of love and admiration is like any other of his powers: he has to throw it away many times before he learns what is really worthy of it. Mrs. Clandon Another of the old speeches, Gloria. Take care. Valentine Remonstrating. Oh! Gloria To Mrs. Clandon, with contemptuous self-possession. Do you think I need to be warned now? To Valentine. You have tried to make me love you. Valentine I have. Gloria Well, you have succeeded in making me hate you⁠—passionately. Valentine Philosophically. It’s surprising how little difference there is between the two. Gloria turns indignantly away from him. He continues, to Mrs. Clandon, I know men whose wives love them; and they go on exactly like that. Mrs. Clandon Excuse me, Mr. Valentine; but had you not better go? Gloria You need not send him away on my account, mother. He is nothing to me now; and he will amuse Dolly and Phil. She sits down with slighting indifference, at the end of the table nearest the window. Valentine Gaily. Of course: that’s the sensible way of looking at it. Come, Mrs. Clandon: you can’t quarrel with a mere butterfly like me. Mrs. Clandon I very greatly mistrust you, Mr. Valentine. But I do not like to think that your unfortunate levity of disposition is mere shamelessness and worthlessness;⁠— Gloria To herself, but aloud. It is shameless; and it is worthless. Mrs. Clandon —so perhaps we had better send for Phil and Dolly and allow you to end your visit in the ordinary way. Valentine As if she had paid him the highest compliment. You overwhelm me, Mrs. Clandon. Thank you. The waiter enters. Waiter Mr. McComas, ma’am. Mrs. Clandon Oh, certainly. Bring him in. Waiter He wishes to see you in the reception-room, ma’am. Mrs. Clandon Why not here? Waiter Well, if you will excuse my mentioning it, ma’am, I think Mr. McComas feels that he would get fairer play if he could speak to you away from the younger members of your family, ma’am. Mrs. Clandon Tell him they are not here. Waiter They are within sight of the door, ma’am; and very watchful, for some reason or other. Mrs. Clandon Going. Oh, very well: I’ll go to him. Waiter Holding the door open for her. Thank you, ma’am. She goes out. He comes back into the room, and meets the eye of Valentine, who wants him to go. All right, sir. Only the tea-things, sir. Taking the tray. Excuse me, sir. Thank you sir. He goes out. Valentine To Gloria. Look here. You will forgive me, sooner or later. Forgive me now. Gloria Rising to level the declaration more intensely at him. Never! While grass grows or water runs, never, never, never!!! Valentine Unabashed. Well, I don’t care. I can’t be unhappy about anything. I shall never be unhappy again, never, never, never, while grass grows or water runs. The thought of you will always make me wild with joy. Some quick taunt is on her lips: he interposes swiftly. No: I never said that before: that’s new. Gloria It will not be new when you say it to the next woman. Valentine Oh, don’t, Gloria, don’t. He kneels at her feet. Gloria Get up. Get up! How dare you? Phil and Dolly, racing, as usual, for first place, burst into the room. They check themselves on seeing what is passing. Valentine springs up. Philip Discreetly. I beg your pardon. Come, Dolly.