You Never Can Tell

if to go. Crampton Miserably. No, no: let me alone, can’t you? I’ve been bullied enough: I’ve been tormented enough. I tell you I’ll do my best. But if that girl begins to talk to me like that and to look at me like⁠—He breaks off and buries his head in his hands. McComas Relenting. There, there: it’ll be all right, if you will only bear and forbear. Come, pull yourself together: there’s someone coming. Crampton, too dejected to care much, hardly changes his attitude. Gloria enters from the garden; McComas goes to meet her at the window; so that he can speak to her without being heard by Crampton. There he is, Miss Clandon. Be kind to him. I’ll leave you with him for a moment. He goes into the garden. Gloria comes in and strolls coolly down the middle of the room. Crampton Looking round in alarm. Where’s McComas? Gloria Listlessly, but not unsympathetically. Gone out⁠—to leave us together. Delicacy on his part, I suppose. She stops beside him and looks quaintly down at him. Well, father? Crampton A quaint jocosity breaking through his forlornness. Well, daughter? They look at one another for a moment, with a melancholy sense of humor. Gloria Shake hands. They shake hands. Crampton Holding her hand. My dear: I’m afraid I spoke very improperly of your mother this afternoon. Gloria Oh, don’t apologize. I was very high and mighty myself; but I’ve come down since: oh, yes: I’ve been brought down. She sits on the floor beside his chair. Crampton What has happened to you, my child? Gloria Oh, never mind. I was playing the part of my mother’s daughter then; but I’m not: I’m my father’s daughter. Looking at him funnily. That’s a come down, isn’t it? Crampton Angry. What! Her odd expression does not alter. He surrenders. Well, yes, my dear: I suppose it is, I suppose it is. She nods sympathetically. I’m afraid I’m sometimes a little irritable; but I know what’s right and reasonable all the time, even when I don’t act on it. Can you believe that? Gloria Believe it! Why, that’s myself⁠—myself all over. I know what’s right and dignified and strong and noble, just as well as she does; but oh, the things I do! the things I do! the things I let other people do!! Crampton A little grudgingly in spite of himself. As well as she does? You mean your mother? Gloria Quickly. Yes, mother. She turns to him on her knees and seizes his hands. Now listen. No treason to her: no word, no thought against her. She is our superior⁠—yours and mine⁠—high heavens above us. Is that agreed? Crampton Yes, yes. Just as you please, my dear. Gloria Not satisfied, letting go his hands and drawing back from him. You don’t like her? Crampton My child: you haven’t been married to her. I have. She raises herself slowly to her feet, looking at him with growing coldness. She did me a great wrong in marrying me without really caring for me. But after that, the wrong was all on my side, I dare say. He offers her his hand again. Gloria Taking it firmly and warningly. Take care. That’s a dangerous subject. My feelings⁠—my miserable, cowardly, womanly feelings⁠—may be on your side; but my conscience is on hers. Crampton I’m very well content with that division, my dear. Thank you. Valentine arrives. Gloria immediately becomes deliberately haughty. Valentine Excuse me; but it’s impossible to find a servant to announce one: even the never failing William seems to be at the ball. I should have gone myself; only I haven’t five shillings to buy a ticket. How are you getting on, Crampton? Better, eh? Crampton I am myself again, Mr. Valentine, no thanks to you. Valentine Look at this ungrateful parent of yours, Miss Clandon! I saved him from an excruciating pang; and he reviles me! Gloria Coldly. I am sorry my mother is not here to receive you, Mr. Valentine. It is not quite nine o’clock; and the gentleman of whom Mr. McComas spoke, the lawyer, is not yet come. Valentine Oh, yes, he is. I’ve met him and talked to him. With gay malice. You’ll like him, Miss Clandon: he’s the very incarnation of intellect. You can hear his mind working. Gloria Ignoring the jibe. Where is he? Valentine Bought a false nose and gone into the fancy ball. Crampton Crustily, looking at his watch. It seems that everybody has gone to this fancy ball instead of keeping to our appointment here. Valentine Oh, he’ll come all right enough: that was half an hour ago. I didn’t like to borrow five shillings from him and go in with him; so I joined the mob and looked through the railings until Miss Clandon disappeared into the hotel through the window. Gloria So it has come to this, that you follow me about in public to stare at me. Valentine Yes: somebody ought to chain me up. Gloria turns her back on him and goes to the fireplace. He takes the snub very philosophically, and goes to the opposite side of the room. The waiter appears at the window, ushering in Mrs. Clandon and McComas. Mrs. Clandon Hurrying in. I am so sorry to have kept you waiting. A grotesquely majestic stranger, in a domino and false nose, with goggles, appears at the window. Waiter To the stranger. Beg pardon, sir; but this is a private apartment, sir. If you will allow me, sir, I will show you to the American bar and supper rooms, sir. This way, sir. He goes into the gardens, leading the way under the impression that the stranger is following him. The majestic one, however, comes straight into the room to the end of the table, where, with impressive deliberation, he takes off the false nose and then the domino, rolling up the nose into