You Never Can Tell

I think he had better be present. Valentine Rising. I quite agree with you. I think it’s most important. McComas There can be no objection to that, I think. I have the greatest hopes of a happy settlement. Goodbye for the present. He goes out, meeting the waiter; who holds the door for him to pass through. Mrs. Clandon We expect some visitors at nine, William. Can we have dinner at seven instead of half-past? Waiter At the door. Seven, ma’am? Certainly, ma’am. It will be a convenience to us this busy evening, ma’am. There will be the band and the arranging of the fairy lights and one thing or another, ma’am. Dolly The fairy lights! Philip The band! William: what mean you? Waiter The fancy ball, miss⁠— Dolly and Philip Simultaneously rushing to him. Fancy ball! Waiter Oh, yes, sir. Given by the regatta committee for the benefit of the Lifeboat, sir. To Mrs. Clandon. We often have them, ma’am: Chinese lanterns in the garden, ma’am: very bright and pleasant, very gay and innocent indeed. To Phil. Tickets downstairs at the office, sir, five shillings: ladies half price if accompanied by a gentleman. Philip Seizing his arm to drag him off. To the office, William! Dolly Breathlessly, seizing his other arm. Quick, before they’re all sold. They rush him out of the room between them. Mrs. Clandon What on earth are they going to do? Going out. I really must go and stop this⁠—She follows them, speaking as she disappears. Gloria stares coolly at Valentine, and then deliberately looks at her watch. Valentine I understand. I’ve stayed too long. I’m going. Gloria With disdainful punctiliousness. I owe you some apology, Mr. Valentine. I am conscious of having spoken somewhat sharply⁠—perhaps rudely⁠—to you. Valentine Not at all. Gloria My only excuse is that it is very difficult to give consideration and respect when there is no dignity of character on the other side to command it. Valentine Prosaically. How is a man to look dignified when he’s infatuated? Gloria Effectually unstilted. Don’t say those things to me. I forbid you. They are insults. Valentine No: they’re only follies. I can’t help them. Gloria If you were really in love, it would not make you foolish: it would give you dignity⁠—earnestness⁠—even beauty. Valentine Do you really think it would make me beautiful? She turns her back on him with the coldest contempt. Ah, you see you’re not in earnest. Love can’t give any man new gifts. It can only heighten the gifts he was born with. Gloria Sweeping round at him again. What gifts were you born with, pray? Valentine Lightness of heart. Gloria And lightness of head, and lightness of faith, and lightness of everything that makes a man. Valentine Yes, the whole world is like a feather dancing in the light now; and Gloria is the sun. She rears her head angrily. I beg your pardon: I’m off. Back at nine. Goodbye. He runs off gaily, leaving her standing in the middle of the room staring after him.

Act IV

The same room. Nine o’clock. Nobody present. The lamps are lighted; but the curtains are not drawn. The window stands wide open; and strings of Chinese lanterns are glowing among the trees outside, with the starry sky beyond. The band is playing dance-music in the garden, drowning the sound of the sea.

	The waiter enters, showing in Crampton and McComas. Crampton looks cowed and anxious. He sits down wearily and timidly on the ottoman.
Waiter	The ladies have gone for a turn through the grounds to see the fancy dresses, sir. If you will be so good as to take seats, gentlemen, I shall tell them. He is about to go into the garden through the window when McComas stops him.
McComas	One moment. If another gentleman comes, show him in without any delay: we are expecting him.
Waiter	Right, sir. What name, sir?
McComas	Boon. Mr. Boon. He is a stranger to Mrs. Clandon; so he may give you a card. If so, the name is spelt B-O-H-U-N. You will not forget.
Waiter	Smiling. You may depend on me for that, sir. My own name is Boon, sir, though I am best known down here as Balmy Walters, sir. By rights I should spell it with the aitch you, sir; but I think it best not to take that liberty, sir. There is Norman blood in it, sir; and Norman blood is not a recommendation to a waiter.
McComas	Well, well: “True hearts are more than coronets, and simple faith than Norman blood.”
Waiter	That depends a good deal on one’s station in life, sir. If you were a waiter, sir, you’d find that simple faith would leave you just as short as Norman blood. I find it best to spell myself B-double-O-N, and to keep my wits pretty sharp about me. But I’m taking up your time, sir. You’ll excuse me, sir: your own fault for being so affable, sir. I’ll tell the ladies you’re here, sir. He goes out into the garden through the window.
McComas	Crampton: I can depend on you, can’t I?
Crampton	Yes, yes. I’ll be quiet. I’ll be patient. I’ll do my best.
McComas	Remember: I’ve not given you away. I’ve told them it was all their fault.
Crampton	You told me that it was all my fault.
McComas	I told you the truth.
Crampton	Plaintively. If they will only be fair to me!
McComas	My dear Crampton, they won’t be fair to you: it’s not to be expected from them at their age. If you’re going to make impossible conditions of this kind, we may as well go back home at once.
Crampton	But surely I have a right⁠—
McComas	Intolerantly. You won’t get your rights. Now, once for all, Crampton, did your promises of good behavior only mean that you won’t complain if there’s nothing to complain of? Because, if so⁠—He moves as