You Never Can Tell

Miss Clandon said that to. Dolly Perhaps Phil remembers. Which was it, Phil? number three or number five? Valentine Number five!!! Philip Courage, Valentine. It wasn’t number five: it was only a tame naval lieutenant that was always on hand⁠—the most patient and harmless of mortals. Gloria Coldly. What are we discussing now, pray? Valentine Very red. Excuse me: I am sorry I interrupted. I shall intrude no further, Mrs. Clandon. He bows to Mrs. Clandon and marches away into the garden, boiling with suppressed rage. Dolly Hmhm! Philip Ahah! Gloria Please go on, Mr. Bohun. Dolly Striking in as Bohun, frowning formidably, collects himself for a fresh grapple with the case. You’re going to bully us, Mr. Bohun. Bohun I⁠— Dolly Interrupting him. Oh, yes, you are: you think you’re not; but you are. I know by your eyebrows. Bohun Capitulating. Mrs. Clandon: these are clever children⁠—clear headed, well brought up children. I make that admission deliberately. Can you, in return, point out to me any way of inducting them to hold their tongues? Mrs. Clandon Dolly, dearest⁠—! Philip Our old failing, Dolly. Silence! Dolly holds her mouth. Mrs. Clandon Now, Mr. Bohun, before they begin again⁠— Waiter Softer. Be quick, sir: be quick. Dolly Beaming at him. Dear William! Philip Sh! Bohun Unexpectedly beginning by hurling a question straight at Dolly. Have you any intention of getting married? Dolly I! Well, Finch calls me by my Christian name. McComas I will not have this. Mr. Bohun: I use the young lady’s Christian name naturally as an old friend of her mother’s. Dolly Yes, you call me Dolly as an old friend of my mother’s. But what about Dorothee-ee-a? McComas rises indignantly. Crampton Anxiously, rising to restrain him. Keep your temper, McComas. Don’t let us quarrel. Be patient. McComas I will not be patient. You are showing the most wretched weakness of character, Crampton. I say this is monstrous. Dolly Mr. Bohun: please bully Finch for us. Bohun I will. McComas: you’re making yourself ridiculous. Sit down. McComas I⁠— Bohun Waving him down imperiously. No: sit down, sit down. McComas sits down sulkily; and Crampton, much relieved, follows his example. Dolly To Bohun, meekly. Thank you. Bohun Now, listen to me, all of you. I give no opinion, McComas, as to how far you may or may not have committed yourself in the direction indicated by this young lady. McComas is about to protest. No: don’t interrupt me: if she doesn’t marry you she will marry somebody else. That is the solution of the difficulty as to her not bearing her father’s name. The other lady intends to get married. Gloria Flushing. Mr. Bohun! Bohun Oh, yes, you do: you don’t know it; but you do. Gloria Rising. Stop. I warn you, Mr. Bohun, not to answer for my intentions. Bohun Rising. It’s no use, Miss Clandon: you can’t put me down. I tell you your name will soon be neither Clandon nor Crampton; and I could tell you what it will be if I chose. He goes to the other end of the table, where he unrolls his domino, and puts the false nose on the table. When he moves they all rise; and Phil goes to the window. Bohun, with a gesture, summons the waiter to help him in robing. Mr. Crampton: your notion of going to law is all nonsense: your children will be of age before you could get the point decided. Allowing the waiter to put the domino on his shoulders. You can do nothing but make a friendly arrangement. If you want your family more than they want you, you’ll get the worse of the arrangement: if they want you more than you want them, you’ll get the better of it. He shakes the domino into becoming folds and takes up the false nose. Dolly gazes admiringly at him. The strength of their position lies in their being very agreeable people personally. The strength of your position lies in your income. He claps on the false nose, and is again grotesquely transfigured. Dolly Running to him. Oh, now you look quite like a human being. Mayn’t I have just one dance with you? Can you dance? Phil, resuming his part of harlequin, waves his hat as if casting a spell on them. Bohun Thunderously. Yes: you think I can’t; but I can. Come along. He seizes her and dances off with her through the window in a most powerful manner, but with studied propriety and grace. The waiter is meanwhile busy putting the chairs back in their customary places. Philip “On with the dance: let joy be unconfined.” William! Waiter Yes, sir. Philip Can you procure a couple of dominos and false noses for my father and Mr. McComas? McComas Most certainly not. I protest⁠— Crampton No, no. What harm will it do, just for once, McComas? Don’t let us be spoilsports. McComas Crampton: you are not the man I took you for. Pointedly. Bullies are always cowards. He goes disgustedly towards the window. Crampton Following him. Well, never mind. We must indulge them a little. Can you get us something to wear, waiter? Waiter Certainly, sir. He precedes them to the window, and stands aside there to let them pass out before him. This way, sir. Dominos and noses, sir? McComas Angrily, on his way out. I shall wear my own nose. Waiter Suavely. Oh, dear, yes, sir: the false one will fit over it quite easily, sir: plenty of room, sir, plenty of room. He goes out after McComas. Crampton Turning at the window to Phil with an attempt at genial fatherliness. Come along, my boy, come along. He goes. Philip Cheerily, following him. Coming, dad, coming. On the window threshold, he stops; looking after Crampton; then turns fantastically with his bat bent into a halo round his head, and says with a lowered voice to Mrs. Clandon and Gloria,