You Never Can Tell

her power over herself had been broken down at her first real encounter with⁠—with⁠—The color rushes over her face again. She covers it with her left hand, and puts her right on his left arm to support herself. Valentine Take care. I’m losing my senses again. Summoning all her courage, she takes away her hand from her face and puts it on his right shoulder, turning him towards her and looking him straight in the eyes. He begins to protest agitatedly. Gloria: be sensible: it’s no use: I haven’t a penny in the world. Gloria Can’t you earn one? Other people do. Valentine Half delighted, half frightened. I never could⁠—you’d be unhappy⁠—My dearest love: I should be the merest fortune-hunting adventurer if⁠—Her grip on his arms tightens; and she kisses him. Oh, Lord! Breathless. Oh, I⁠—He gasps. I don’t know anything about women: twelve years’ experience is not enough. In a gust of jealousy she throws him away from her; and he reels her back into the chair like a leaf before the wind, as Dolly dances in, waltzing with the waiter, followed by Mrs. Clandon and Finch, also waltzing, and Phil pirouetting by himself. Dolly Sinking on the chair at the writing-table. Oh, I’m out of breath. How beautifully you waltz, William! Mrs. Clandon Sinking on the saddlebag seat on the hearth. Oh, how could you make me do such a silly thing, Finch! I haven’t danced since the soiree at South Place twenty years ago. Gloria Peremptorily at Valentine. Get up. Valentine gets up abjectly. Now let us have no false delicacy. Tell my mother that we have agreed to marry one another. A silence of stupefaction ensues. Valentine, dumb with panic, looks at them with an obvious impulse to run away. Dolly Breaking the silence. Number Six! Philip Sh! Dolly Tumultuously. Oh, my feelings! I want to kiss somebody; and we bar it in the family. Where’s Finch? McComas Starting violently. No, positively⁠—Crampton appears in the window. Dolly Running to Crampton. Oh, you’re just in time. She kisses him. Now leading him forward bless them. Gloria No. I will have no such thing, even in jest. When I need a blessing, I shall ask my mother’s. Crampton To Gloria, with deep disappointment. Am I to understand that you have engaged yourself to this young gentleman? Gloria Resolutely. Yes. Do you intend to be our friend or⁠— Dolly Interposing.⁠—or our father? Crampton I should like to be both, my child. But surely⁠—! Mr. Valentine: I appeal to your sense of honor. Valentine You’re quite right. It’s perfect madness. If we go out to dance together I shall have to borrow five shillings from her for a ticket. Gloria: don’t be rash: you’re throwing yourself away. I’d much better clear straight out of this, and never see any of you again. I shan’t commit suicide: I shan’t even be unhappy. It’ll be a relief to me: I⁠—I’m frightened, I’m positively frightened; and that’s the plain truth. Gloria Determinedly. You shall not go. Valentine Quailing. No, dearest: of course not. But⁠—oh, will somebody only talk sense for a moment and bring us all to reason! I can’t. Where’s Bohun? Bohun’s the man. Phil: go and summon Bohun⁠— Philip From the vastly deep. I go. He makes his bat quiver in the air and darts away through the window. Waiter Harmoniously to Valentine. If you will excuse my putting in a word, sir, do not let a matter of five shillings stand between you and your happiness, sir. We shall be only too pleased to put the ticket down to you: and you can settle at your convenience. Very glad to meet you in any way, very happy and pleased indeed, sir. Philip Reappearing. He comes. He waves his bat over the window. Bohun comes in, taking off his false nose and throwing it on the table in passing as he comes between Gloria and Valentine. Valentine The point is, Mr. Bohun⁠— McComas Interrupting from the hearthrug. Excuse me, sir: the point must be put to him by a solicitor. The question is one of an engagement between these two young people. The lady has some property, and looking at Crampton will probably have a good deal more. Crampton Possibly. I hope so. Valentine And the gentleman hasn’t a rap. Bohun Nailing Valentine to the point instantly. Then insist on a settlement. That shocks your delicacy: most sensible precautions do. But you ask my advice; and I give it to you. Have a settlement. Gloria Proudly. He shall have a settlement. Valentine My good sir, I don’t want advice for myself. Give her some advice. Bohun She won’t take it. When you’re married, she won’t take yours either⁠—turning suddenly on Gloria oh, no, you won’t: you think you will; but you won’t. He’ll set to work and earn his living⁠—turning suddenly to Valentine oh, yes, you will: you think you won’t; but you will. She’ll make you. Crampton Only half persuaded. Then, Mr. Bohun, you don’t think this match an unwise one? Bohun Yes, I do: all matches are unwise. It’s unwise to be born; it’s unwise to be married; it’s unwise to live; and it’s unwise to die. Waiter Insinuating himself between Crampton and Valentine. Then, if I may respectfully put in a word in, sir, so much the worse for wisdom! To Valentine, benignly. Cheer up, sir, cheer up: every man is frightened of marriage when it comes to the point; but it often turns out very comfortable, very enjoyable and happy indeed, sir⁠—from time to time. I never was master in my own house, sir: my wife was like your young lady: she was of a commanding and masterful disposition, which my son has inherited. But if I had my life to live twice over, I’d do it again, I’d do it