Fanny’s First Play

Jo; and if it wasn’t what I wanted, that wasn’t your fault. But I’d rather have you as you were than since you took to whisky and soda. Knox I don’t want any whisky and soda. I’ll take the pledge if you like. Mrs. Knox No: you shall have your beer because you like it. The whisky was only brag. And if you and me are to remain friends, Mr. Gilbey, you’ll get up tomorrow morning at seven. Gilbey Defiantly. Damn if I will! There! Mrs. Knox With gentle pity. How do you know, Mr. Gilbey, what you’ll do tomorrow morning? Gilbey Why shouldn’t I know? Are we children not to be let do what we like, and our own sons and daughters kicking their heels all over the place? To Knox. I was never one to interfere between man and wife, Knox; but if Maria started ordering me about like that⁠— Mrs. Gilbey Now don’t be naughty, Rob. You know you mustn’t set yourself up against religion? Gilbey Whos setting himself up against religion? Mrs. Knox It doesn’t matter whether you set yourself up against it or not, Mr. Gilbey. If it sets itself up against you, you’ll have to go the appointed way: it’s no use quarrelling about it with me that am as great a sinner as yourself. Gilbey Oh, indeed! And who told you I was a sinner? Mrs. Gilbey Now, Rob, you know we are all sinners. What else is religion? Gilbey I say nothing against religion. I suppose were all sinners, in a manner of speaking; but I don’t like to have it thrown at me as if I’d really done anything. Mrs. Gilbey Mrs. Knox is speaking for your good, Rob. Gilbey Well, I don’t like to be spoken to for my good. Would anybody like it? Mrs. Knox Don’t take offence where none is meant, Mr. Gilbey. Talk about something else. No good ever comes of arguing about such things among the like of us. Knox The like of us! Are you throwing it in our teeth that your people were in the wholesale and thought Knox and Gilbey wasn’t good enough for you? Mrs. Knox No, Jo: you know I’m not. What better were my people than yours, for all their pride? But I’ve noticed it all my life: we’re ignorant. We don’t really know what’s right and what’s wrong. We’re all right as long as things go on the way they always did. We bring our children up just as we were brought up; and we go to church or chapel just as our parents did; and we say what everybody says; and it goes on all right until something out of the way happens: there’s a family quarrel, or one of the children goes wrong, or a father takes to drink, or an aunt goes mad, or one of us finds ourselves doing something we never thought we’d want to do. And then you know what happens: complaints and quarrels and huff and offence and bad language and bad temper and regular bewilderment as if Satan possessed us all. We find out then that with all our respectability and piety, we’ve no real religion and no way of telling right from wrong. We’ve nothing but our habits; and when they’re upset, where are we? Just like Peter in the storm trying to walk on the water and finding he couldn’t. Mrs. Gilbey Piously. Aye! He found out, didn’t he? Gilbey Reverently. I never denied that you’ve a great intellect, Mrs. Knox⁠— Mrs. Knox Oh get along with you, Gilbey, if you begin talking about my intellect. Give us some tea, Maria. I’ve said my say; and I’m sure I beg the company’s pardon for being so long about it, and so disagreeable. Mrs. Gilbey Ring, Rob. Gilbey rings. Stop. Juggins will think we’re ringing for him. Gilbey Appalled. It’s too late. I rang before I thought of it. Mrs. Gilbey Step down and apologize, Rob. Knox Is it him that you said was brother to a⁠— Juggins comes in with the tea-tray. All rise. He takes the tray to Mrs. Gilbey. Gilbey I didn’t mean to ask you to do this, Mr. Juggins. I wasn’t thinking when I rang. Mrs. Gilbey Trying to take the tray from him. Let me, Juggins. Juggins Please sit down, madam. Allow me to discharge my duties just as usual, sir. I assure you that is the correct thing. They sit down, ill at ease, whilst he places the tray on the table. He then goes out for the curate. Knox Lowering his voice. Is this all right, Gilbey? Anybody may be the son of a duke, you know. Is he legitimate? Gilbey Good lord! I never thought of that. Juggins returns with the cakes. They regard him with suspicion. Gilbey Whispering to Knox. You ask him. Knox To Juggins. Just a word with you, my man. Was your mother married to your father? Juggins I believe so, sir. I can’t say from personal knowledge. It was before my time. Gilbey Well, but look here you know⁠—He hesitates. Juggins Yes, sir? Knox I know whatll clinch it, Gilbey. You leave it to me. To Juggins. Was your mother the duchess? Juggins Yes, sir. Quite correct, sir, I assure you. To Mrs. Gilbey. That is the milk, madam. She has mistaken the jugs. This is the water. They stare at him in pitiable embarrassment. Mrs. Knox What did I tell you? Here’s something out of the common happening with a servant; and we none of us know how to behave. Juggins It’s quite simple, madam. I’m a footman, and should be treated as a footman. He proceeds calmly with his duties, handing round cups of tea as Mrs. Knox fills them. Shrieks of laughter from below stairs reach the ears of the company. Mrs. Gilbey What’s that noise? Is Master Bobby at home? I heard his laugh. Mrs. Knox I’m sure I heard Margaret’s. Gilbey Not a bit of it. It was that woman. Juggins I can explain, sir.