Fanny’s First Play

I must ask you to excuse the liberty; but I’m entertaining a small party to tea in my pantry. Mrs. Gilbey But you’re not entertaining Master Bobby? Juggins Yes, madam. Gilbey Who’s with him? Juggins Miss Knox, sir. Gilbey Miss Knox! Are you sure? Is there anyone else? Juggins Only a French marine officer, sir, and⁠—er⁠—Miss Delaney. He places Gilbey’s tea on the table before him. The lady that called about Master Bobby, sir. Knox Do you mean to say they’re having a party all to themselves downstairs, and we having a party up here and knowing nothing about it? Juggins Yes, sir. I have to do a good deal of entertaining in the pantry for Master Bobby, sir. Gilbey Well, this is a nice state of things! Knox What’s the meaning of it? What do they do it for? Juggins To enjoy themselves, sir, I should think. Mrs. Gilbey Enjoy themselves! Did ever anybody hear of such a thing? Gilbey Knox’s daughter shown into my pantry! Knox Margaret mixing with a Frenchman and a footman⁠—Suddenly realizing that the footman is offering him cake. She doesn’t know about⁠—about His Grace, you know. Mrs. Gilbey Perhaps she does. Does she, Mr. Juggins? Juggins The other lady suspects me, madam. They call me Rudolph, or the Long Lost Heir. Mrs. Gilbey It’s a much nicer name than Juggins. I think I’ll call you by it, if you don’t mind. Juggins Not at all, madam. Roars of merriment from below. Gilbey Go and tell them to stop laughing. What right have they to make a noise like that? Juggins I asked them not to laugh so loudly, sir. But the French gentleman always sets them off again. Knox Do you mean to tell me that my daughter laughs at a Frenchman’s jokes? Gilbey We all know what French jokes are. Juggins Believe me: you do not, sir. The noise this afternoon has all been because the Frenchman said that the cat had whooping cough. Mrs. Gilbey Laughing heartily. Well, I never! Gilbey Don’t be a fool, Maria. Look here, Knox: we can’t let this go on. People can’t be allowed to behave like this. Knox Just what I say. A concertina adds its music to the revelry. Mrs. Gilbey Excited. That’s the squiffer. He’s bought it for her. Gilbey Well, of all the scandalous⁠—Redoubled laughter from below. Knox I’ll put a stop to this. He goes out to the landing and shouts: Margaret! Sudden dead silence. Margaret, I say! Margaret’s voice Yes, father. Shall we all come up? We’re dying to. Knox Come up and be ashamed of yourselves, behaving like wild Indians. Dora’s voice Screaming. Oh! oh! oh! Don’t Bobby. Now⁠—oh! In headlong flight she dashes into and right across the room, breathless, and slightly abashed by the company. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Gilbey, for coming in like that; but whenever I go upstairs in front of Bobby, he pretends it’s a cat biting my ankles; and I just must scream. Bobby and Margaret enter rather more shyly, but evidently in high spirits. Bobby places himself near his father, on the hearthrug, and presently slips down into the armchair. Margaret How do you do, Mrs. Gilbey? She posts herself behind her mother. Duvallet comes in behaving himself perfectly. Knox follows. Margaret Oh⁠—let me introduce. My friend Lieutenant Duvallet. Mrs. Gilbey. Mr. Gilbey. Duvallet bows and sits down on Mr. Knox’s left, Juggins placing a chair for him. Dora Now, Bobby: introduce me: there’s a dear. Bobby A little nervous about it; but trying to keep up his spirits. Miss Delaney: Mr. and Mrs. Knox. Knox, as he resumes his seat, acknowledges the introduction suspiciously. Mrs. Knox bows gravely, looking keenly at Dora and taking her measure without prejudice. Dora Pleased to meet you. Juggins places the baby rocking-chair for her on Mrs. Gilbey’s right, opposite Mrs. Knox. Thank you. She sits and turns to Mrs. Gilbey. Bobby’s given me the squiffer. To the company generally. Do you know what they’ve been doing downstairs? She goes off into ecstasies of mirth. You’d never guess. They’ve been trying to teach me table manners. The Lieutenant and Rudolph say I’m a regular pig. I’m sure I never knew there was anything wrong with me. But live and learn to Gilbey eh, old dear? Juggins Old dear is not correct, Miss Delaney. He retires to the end of the sideboard nearest the door. Dora Oh get out! I must call a man something. He doesn’t mind: do you, Charlie? Mrs. Gilbey His name isn’t Charlie. Dora Excuse me. I call everybody Charlie. Juggins You mustn’t. Dora Oh, if I were to mind you, I should have to hold my tongue altogether; and then how sorry you’d be! Lord, how I do run on! Don’t mind me, Mrs. Gilbey. Knox What I want to know is, what’s to be the end of this? It’s not for me to interfere between you and your son, Gilbey: he knows his own intentions best, no doubt, and perhaps has told them to you. But I’ve my daughter to look after; and it’s my duty as a parent to have a clear understanding about her. No good is ever done by beating about the bush. I ask Lieutenant⁠—well, I don’t speak French; and I can’t pronounce the name⁠— Margaret Mr. Duvallet, father. Knox I ask Mr. Doovalley what his intentions are. Margaret Oh father: how can you? Duvallet I’m afraid my knowledge of English is not enough to understand. Intentions? How? Margaret He wants to know will you marry me. Mrs. Gilbey What a thing to say! Knox Silence, miss. Dora Well, that’s straight, ain’t it? Duvallet But I am married already. I have two daughters. Knox Rising, virtuously indignant. You sit there after carrying on with my daughter, and tell me coolly you’re married. Margaret Papa: you really must not tell people that they sit there. He sits down again sulkily. Duvallet Pardon. Carrying on? What does that mean? Margaret It means⁠— Knox Violently. Hold your tongue, you shameless young hussy. Don’t you dare say