Fanny’s First Play

own it: I took too much champagne. I was not what you might call drunk; but I was bright, and a little beyond myself; and⁠—I’ll confess it⁠—I wanted to show off before Bobby, because he was a bit taken by a woman on the stage; and she was pretending to be game for anything. You see you’ve brought Bobby up too strict; and when he gets loose there’s no holding him. He does enjoy life more than any lad I ever met. Gilbey Never you mind how he’s been brought up: that’s my business. Tell me how he’s been brought down: that’s yours. Mrs. Gilbey Oh, don’t be rude to the lady, Rob. Dora I’m coming to it, old dear: don’t you be so headstrong. Well, it was a beautiful moonlight night; and we couldn’t get a cab on the nod; so we started to walk, very jolly, you know: arm in arm, and dancing along, singing and all that. When we came into Jamaica Square, there was a young copper on point duty at the corner. I says to Bob: “Dearie boy: is it a bargain about the squiffer if I make Joe sprint for you?” “Anything you like, darling,” says he: “I love you.” I put on my best company manners and stepped up to the copper. “If you please, sir,” says I, “can you direct me to Carrickmines Square?” I was so genteel, and talked so sweet, that he fell to it like a bird. “I never heard of any such Square in these parts,” he says. “Then,” says I, “what a very silly little officer you must be!”; and I gave his helmet a chuck behind that knocked it over his eyes, and did a bunk. Mrs. Gilbey Did a what? Dora A bunk. Holy Joe did one too all right: he sprinted faster than he ever did in college, I bet, the old dear. He got clean off, too. Just as he was overtaking me halfway down the square, we heard the whistle; and at the sound of it he drew away like a streak of lightning; and that was the last I saw of him. I was copped in the Dock Road myself: rotten luck, wasn’t it? I tried the innocent and genteel and all the rest; but Bobby’s hat done me in. Gilbey And what happened to the boy? Dora Only fancy! he stopped to laugh at the copper! He thought the copper would see the joke, poor lamb. He was arguing about it when the two that took me came along to find out what the whistle was for, and brought me with them. Of course I swore I’d never seen him before in my life; but there he was in my hat and I in his. The cops were very spiteful and laid it on for all they were worth: drunk and disorderly and assaulting the police and all that. I got fourteen days without the option, because you see⁠—well, the fact is, I’d done it before, and been warned. Bobby was a first offender and had the option; but the dear boy had no money left and wouldn’t give you away by telling his name; and anyhow he couldn’t have brought himself to buy himself off and leave me there; so he’s doing his time. Well, it was two forty shillingses; and I’ve only twenty-eight shillings in the world. If I pawn my clothes I shan’t be able to earn any more. So I can’t pay the fine and get him out; but if you’ll stand 3 pounds I’ll stand one; and that’ll do it. If you’d like to be very kind and nice you could pay the lot; but I can’t deny that it was my fault; so I won’t press you. Gilbey Heartbroken. My son in gaol! Dora Oh, cheer up, old dear: it won’t hurt him: look at me after fourteen days of it; I’m all the better for being kept a bit quiet. You mustn’t let it prey on your mind. Gilbey The disgrace of it will kill me. And it will leave a mark on him to the end of his life. Dora Not a bit of it. Don’t you be afraid: I’ve educated Bobby a bit: he’s not the mollycoddle he was when you had him in hand. Mrs. Gilbey Indeed Bobby is not a mollycoddle. They wanted him to go in for singlestick at the Young Men’s Christian Association; but, of course, I couldn’t allow that: he might have had his eye knocked out. Gilbey To Dora, angrily. Listen here, you. Dora Oh, ain’t we cross! Gilbey I want none of your gaiety here. This is a respectable household. You’ve gone and got my poor innocent boy into trouble. It’s the like of you that’s the ruin of the like of him. Dora So you always say, you old dears. But you know better. Bobby came to me: I didn’t come to him. Gilbey Would he have gone if you hadn’t been there for him to go to? Tell me that. You know why he went to you, I suppose? Dora Charitably. It was dull for him at home, poor lad, wasn’t it? Mrs. Gilbey Oh no. I’m at home on first Thursdays. And we have the Knoxes to dinner every Friday. Margaret Knox and Bobby are as good as engaged. Mr. Knox is my husband’s partner. Mrs. Knox is very religious; but she’s quite cheerful. We dine with them on Tuesdays. So that’s two evenings pleasure every week. Gilbey Almost in tears. We done what we could for the boy. Short of letting him go into temptations of all sorts, he can do what he likes. What more does he want? Dora Well, old dear, he wants me; and that’s about the long and short of it. And I must say you’re not very nice to me about it. I’ve talked to him like a mother, and tried my best to keep him straight; but I don’t deny I like a bit of fun myself; and we both