The Small Bachelor

The Small Bachelor

By P. G. Wodehouse.

Table of Contents

1. Titlepage
2. Imprint
3. I
   1. I
   2. II
   3. III
   4. IV
   5. V
4. II
   1. I
   2. II
   3. III
   4. IV
5. III
   1. I
   2. II
   3. III
   4. IV
6. IV
   1. I
   2. II
   3. III
   4. IV
   5. V
7. V
   1. I
   2. II
8. VI
   1. I
   2. II
   3. III
   4. IV
   5. V
9. VII
10. VIII
11. IX
12. X
13. XI
14. XII
15. XIII
16. XIV
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
    5. V
17. XV
18. XVI
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
    4. IV
    5. V
19. XVII
    1. I
    2. II
    3. III
20. XVIII
21. Colophon
22. Uncopyright

Imprint

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I

I

The roof of the Sheridan Apartment House, near Washington Square, New York. Let us examine it. There will be stirring happenings on this roof in due season, and it is well to know the ground.

The Sheridan stands in the heart of New York’s Bohemian and artistic quarter. If you threw a brick from any of its windows, you would be certain to brain some rising interior decorator, some Vorticist sculptor or a writer of revolutionary vers libre. And a very good thing, too. Its roof, cosy, compact and ten storeys above the street, is flat, paved with tiles and surrounded by a low wall, jutting up at one end of which is an iron structure⁠—the fire-escape. Climbing down this, should the emergency occur, you would find yourself in the open-air premises of the Purple Chicken restaurant⁠—one of those numerous oases in this great city where, in spite of the law of Prohibition, you can still, so the cognoscenti whisper, “always get it if they know you.” A useful thing to remember.

On the other side of the roof, opposite the fire-escape, stands what is technically known as a “small bachelor apartment, penthouse style.” It is a white-walled, red-tiled bungalow, and the small bachelor who owns it is a very estimable young man named George Finch, originally from East Gilead, Idaho, but now, owing to a substantial legacy from an uncle, a unit of New York’s Latin Quarter. For George, no longer being obliged to earn a living, has given his suppressed desires play by coming to the metropolis and trying his hand at painting. From boyhood up he had always wanted to be an artist; and now he is an artist; and, what is more, probably the worst artist who ever put brush to canvas.

For the rest, that large round thing that looks like a captive balloon is the water-tank. That small oblong thing that looks like a summerhouse is George Finch’s outdoor sleeping-porch. Those things that look like potted shrubs are potted shrubs. That stoutish man sweeping with a broom is George’s valet, cook, and man-of-all-work, Mullett.

And this imposing figure with the square chin and the horn-rimmed spectacles which, as he comes out from the door leading to the stairs, flash like jewels in the sun, is no less a person than J. Hamilton Beamish, author of the famous Beamish Booklets (“Read Them and Make the World Your Oyster”) which have done so much to teach the populace of the United States observation, perception, judgment, initiative, willpower, decision, business acumen, resourcefulness, organisation, directive ability, self-confidence, driving-power, originality⁠—and, in fact, practically everything else from Poultry-Farming to Poetry.

The first emotion which any student of the Booklets would have felt on seeing his mentor in the flesh⁠—apart from that natural awe which falls upon us when we behold the great⁠—would probably have been surprise at finding him so young. Hamilton Beamish was still in the early thirties. But the brain of Genius ripens quickly: and those who had the privilege of acquaintance with Mr. Beamish at the beginning of his career say that he knew everything there was to be known⁠—or behaved as if he did⁠—at the age of ten.

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Hamilton Beamish’s first act on reaching the roof of the Sheridan was to draw several deep breaths⁠—through the nose, of course. Then, adjusting his glasses, he cast a flashing glance at Mullett: and, having inspected him for a moment, pursed his lips and shook his head.

“All wrong!” he said.

The words, delivered at a distance of two feet in the man’s immediate rear, were spoken in the sharp, resonant voice of one who Gets Things Done⁠—which, in its essentials, is rather like the note of a seal barking for fish. The result was that Mullett, who was highly strung, sprang some eighteen inches into the air and swallowed his chewing-gum. Owing to that great thinker’s practice of wearing No-Jar Rubber Soles (“They Save