Getting Married

control? Mrs. George Because it frightens people into behaving themselves before you; and then how can you tell what they really are? Look at me! I was a spoilt child. My brothers and sisters were well brought up, like all children of respectable publicans. So should I have been if I hadn’t been the youngest: ten years younger than my youngest brother. My parents were tired of doing their duty by their children by that time; and they spoilt me for all they were worth. I never knew what it was to want money or anything that money could buy. When I wanted my own way, I had nothing to do but scream for it till I got it. When I was annoyed I didn’t control myself: I scratched and called names. Did you ever, after you were grown up, pull a grown up woman’s hair? Did you ever bite a grown up man? Did you ever call both of them every name you could lay your tongue to? Lesbia Shivering with disgust. No. Mrs. George Well, I did. I know what a woman is like when her hair’s pulled. I know what a man is like when he’s bit. I know what they’re both like when you tell them what you really feel about them. And that’s how I know more of the world than you. Lesbia The Chinese know what a man is like when he is cut into a thousand pieces, or boiled in oil. That sort of knowledge is of no use to me. I’m afraid we shall never get on with one another, Mrs. George. I live like a fencer, always on guard. I like to be confronted with people who are always on guard. I hate sloppy people, slovenly people, people who can’t sit up straight, sentimental people. Mrs. George Oh, sentimental your grandmother! You don’t learn to hold your own in the world by standing on guard, but by attacking, and getting well hammered yourself. Lesbia I’m not a prizefighter, Mrs. Collins. If I can’t get a thing without the indignity of fighting for it, I do without it. Mrs. George Do you? Does it strike you that if we were all as clever as you at doing without, there wouldn’t be much to live for, would there? The General I’m afraid, Lesbia, the things you do without are the things you don’t want. Lesbia Surprised at his wit. That’s not bad for the silly soldier man. Yes, Boxer: the truth is, I don’t want you enough to make the very unreasonable sacrifices required by marriage. And yet that is exactly why I ought to be married. Just because I have the qualities my country wants most I shall go barren to my grave; whilst the women who have neither the strength to resist marriage nor the intelligence to understand its infinite dishonor will make the England of the future. She rises and walks towards the study. The General As she is about to pass him. Well, I shall not ask you again, Lesbia. Lesbia Thank you, Boxer. She passes on to the study door. Mrs. George You’re quite done with him, are you? Lesbia As far as marriage is concerned, yes. The field is clear for you, Mrs. George. She goes into the study. The General buries his face in his hands. Mrs. George comes round the table to him. Mrs. George Sympathetically. She’s a nice woman, that. And a sort of beauty about her too, different from anyone else. The General Overwhelmed. Oh Mrs. Collins, thank you, thank you a thousand times. He rises effusively. You have thawed the long-frozen springs. He kisses her hand. Forgive me; and thank you: bless you⁠—He again takes refuge in the garden, choked with emotion. Mrs. George Looking after him triumphantly. Just caught the dear old warrior on the bounce, eh? Hotchkiss Unfaithful to me already! Mrs. George I’m not your property, young man: don’t you think it. She goes over to him and faces him. You understand that? He suddenly snatches her into his arms and kisses her. Oh! You dare do that again, you young blackguard; and I’ll jab one of these chairs in your face. She seizes one and holds it in readiness. Now you shall not see me for another month. Hotchkiss Deliberately. I shall pay my first visit to your husband this afternoon. Mrs. George You’ll see what he’ll say to you when I tell him what you’ve just done. Hotchkiss What can he say? What dare he say? Mrs. George Suppose he kicks you out of the house? Hotchkiss How can he? I’ve fought seven duels with sabres. I’ve muscles of iron. Nothing hurts me: not even broken bones. Fighting is absolutely uninteresting to me because it doesn’t frighten me or amuse me; and I always win. Your husband is in all these respects an average man, probably. He will be horribly afraid of me; and if under the stimulus of your presence, and for your sake, and because it is the right thing to do among vulgar people, he were to attack me, I should simply defeat him and humiliate him. He gradually gets his hands on the chair and takes it from her, as his words go home phrase by phrase. Sooner than expose him to that, you would suffer a thousand stolen kisses, wouldn’t you? Mrs. George In utter consternation. You young viper! Hotchkiss Ha ha! You are in my power. That is one of the oversights of your code of honor for husbands: the man who can bully them can insult their wives with impunity. Tell him if you dare. If I choose to take ten kisses, how will you prevent me? Mrs. George You come within reach of me and I’ll not leave a hair on your head. Hotchkiss Catching her wrists dexterously. I’ve got your hands. Mrs. George You’ve not got my teeth. Let go; or I’ll bite. I will, I tell you. Let go. Hotchkiss Bite away: I shall taste