Short Fiction

about Mexico were or whether he had any. The tobacconist wasn’t even fluttered at his buying the ounce of tobacco; he knows that he purchases the same quantity of the same sort of tobacco every week. Uncle James might just as well have lain on his back in the garden and chattered to the lilac tree about the habits of caterpillars.”

“I really will not listen to such things about your uncle,” protested Mrs. James Gurtleberry angrily.

“My own case is just as bad and just as tragic,” said the niece, dispassionately; “nearly everything about me is conventional make-believe. I’m not a good dancer, and no one could honestly call me good-looking, but when I go to one of our dull little local dances I’m conventionally supposed to ‘have a heavenly time,’ to attract the ardent homage of the local cavaliers, and to go home with my head awhirl with pleasurable recollections. As a matter of fact, I’ve merely put in some hours of indifferent dancing, drunk some badly-made claret cup, and listened to an enormous amount of laborious light conversation. A moonlight hen-stealing raid with the merry-eyed curate would be infinitely more exciting; imagine the pleasure of carrying off all those white minorcas that the Chibfords are always bragging about. When we had disposed of them we could give the proceeds to a charity, so there would be nothing really wrong about it. But nothing of that sort lies within the Mappined limits of my life. One of these days somebody dull and decorous and undistinguished will ‘make himself agreeable’ to me at a tennis party, as the saying is, and all the dull old gossips of the neighbourhood will begin to ask when we are to be engaged, and at last we shall be engaged, and people will give us butter-dishes and blotting-cases and framed pictures of young women feeding swans. Hullo, Uncle, are you going out?”

“I’m just going down to the town,” announced Mr. James Gurtleberry, with an air of some importance: “I want to hear what people are saying about Albania. Affairs there are beginning to take on a very serious look. It’s my opinion that we haven’t seen the worst of things yet.”

In this he was probably right, but there was nothing in the immediate or prospective condition of Albania to warrant Mrs. Gurtleberry in bursting into tears.

The Gala Programme

An Unrecorded Episode in Roman History

It was an auspicious day in the Roman Calendar, the birthday of the popular and gifted young Emperor Placidus Superbus. Everyone in Rome was bent on keeping high festival, the weather was at its best, and naturally the Imperial Circus was crowded to its fullest capacity. A few minutes before the hour fixed for the commencement of the spectacle a loud fanfare of trumpets proclaimed the arrival of Caesar, and amid the vociferous acclamations of the multitude the Emperor took his seat in the Imperial Box. As the shouting of the crowd died away an even more thrilling salutation could be heard in the near distance, the angry, impatient roaring and howling of the beasts caged in the Imperial menagerie.

“Explain the programme to me,” commanded the Emperor, having beckoned the Master of the Ceremonies to his side.

That eminent official wore a troubled look.

“Gracious Caesar,” he announced, “a most promising and entertaining programme has been devised and prepared for your august approval. In the first place there is to be a chariot contest of unusual brilliancy and interest; three teams that have never hitherto suffered defeat are to contend for the Herculaneum Trophy, together with the purse which your Imperial generosity has been pleased to add. The chances of the competing teams are accounted to be as nearly as possible equal, and there is much wagering among the populace. The black Thracians are perhaps the favourites⁠—”

“I know, I know,” interrupted Caesar, who had listened to exhaustive talk on the same subject all the morning; “what else is there on the programme?”

“The second part of the programme,” said the Imperial Official, “consists of a grand combat of wild beasts, specially selected for their strength, ferocity, and fighting qualities. There will appear simultaneously in the arena fourteen Nubian lions and lionesses, five tigers, six Syrian bears, eight Persian panthers, and three North African ditto, a number of wolves and lynxes from the Teutonic forests, and seven gigantic wild bulls from the same region. There will also be wild swine of unexampled savageness, a rhinoceros from the Barbary coast, some ferocious man-apes, and a hyena, reputed to be mad.”

“It promises well,” said the Emperor.

“It promised well, O Caesar,” said the official dolorously, “it promised marvellously well; but between the promise and the performance a cloud has arisen.”

“A cloud? What cloud?” queried Caesar, with a frown.

“The Suffragetae,” explained the official; “they threaten to interfere with the chariot race.”

“I’d like to see them do it!” exclaimed the Emperor indignantly.

“I fear your Imperial wish may be unpleasantly gratified,” said the Master of the Ceremonies; “we are taking, of course, every possible precaution, and guarding all the entrances to the arena and the stables with a triple guard; but it is rumoured that at the signal for the entry of the chariots five hundred women will let themselves down with ropes from the public seats and swarm all over the course. Naturally no race could be run under such circumstances; the programme will be ruined.”

“On my birthday,” said Placidus Superbus, “they would not dare to do such an outrageous thing.”

“The more august the occasion, the more desirous they will be to advertise themselves and their cause,” said the harassed official; “they do not scruple to make riotous interference even with the ceremonies in the temples.”

“Who are these Suffragetae?” asked the Emperor. “Since I came back from my Pannonian expedition I have heard of nothing else but their excesses and demonstrations.”

“They are a political sect of very recent origin, and their aim seems to be to get a big share of political authority into their hands.