more. But here—look, there at the assistants! It’s not you they think of when they clasp their hands, but me.” “And it’s not I who am looking at them,” said K., “but you.” “Certainly, me,” said Frieda almost angrily, “that’s what I’ve been saying all the time; why else should they be always at my heels, even if they are messengers of Klamm’s?” “Messengers of Klamm’s?” repeated K. extremely astonished by this designation, though it seemed natural enough at the same time. “Certainly, messengers of Klamm’s,” said Frieda. “Even if they are, still they’re silly boys too who need to have more sense hammered into them. What ugly black young demons they are, and how disgusting the contrast is between their faces, which one would say belonged to grownups, almost to students, and their silly childish behaviour. Do you think I don’t see that? It makes me feel ashamed for them. Well, that’s just it, they don’t repel me, but I feel ashamed for them. I can’t help looking at them. When one ought to be annoyed with them, I can only laugh at them. When people want to strike them, I can only stroke their hair. And when I’m lying beside you at night I can’t sleep and must always be leaning across you to look at them, one of them lying rolled up asleep in the blanket and the other kneeling before the stove door putting in wood, and I have to bend forward so far that I nearly waken you. And it wasn’t the cat that frightened me—oh, I’ve had experience of cats and I’ve had experience as well of disturbed nights in the taproom—it wasn’t the cat that frightened me, I’m frightened at myself. No, it didn’t need that big beast of a cat to waken me, I start up at the slightest noise. One minute I’m afraid you’ll waken and spoil everything, and the next I spring up and light the candle to force you to waken at once and protect me.” “I knew nothing of all this,” said K., “it was only a vague suspicion of it that made me send them away; but now they’re gone, and perhaps everything will be all right.” “Yes, they’re gone at last,” said Frieda, but her face was worried, not happy, “only we don’t know who they are. Messengers of Klamm’s I call them in my mind, though not seriously, but perhaps they are really that. Their eyes—those ingenuous and yet flashing eyes—remind me somehow of Klamm’s; yes, that’s it, it’s Klamm’s glance that sometimes runs through me from their eyes. And so it’s not true when I say that I’m ashamed for them. I only wish it were. I know quite well that anywhere else and in anyone else their behaviour would seem stupid and offensive, but in them it isn’t. I watch their stupid tricks with respect and admiration. But if they’re Klamm’s messengers who’ll rid us of them? and besides would it be a good thing to be rid of them? Wouldn’t you have to fetch them back at once in that case and be happy if they were still willing to come?” “You want me to bring them back again?” asked K. “No, no!” said Frieda, “it’s the last thing I desire. The sight of them, if they were to rush in here now, their joy at seeing me again, the way they would hop round like children and stretch out their arms to me like men; no, I don’t think I would be able to stand that. But all the same when I remember that if you keep on hardening your heart to them, it will keep you, perhaps, from ever getting admittance to Klamm, I want to save you by any means at all from such consequences. In that case my only wish is for you to let them in. In that case let them in now at once. Don’t bother about me; what do I matter? I’ll defend myself as long as I can, but if I have to surrender, then I’ll surrender with the consciousness that that too is for your sake.” “You only strengthen me in my decision about the assistants,” said K. “Never will they come in with my will. The fact that I’ve got them out of this proves at least that in certain circumstances they can be managed, and therefore, in addition, that they have no real connection with Klamm. Only last night I received a letter from Klamm from which it was clear that Klamm was quite falsely informed about the assistants, from which again one can only draw the conclusion that he is completely indifferent to them, for if that were not so he would certainly have obtained exact information about them. And the fact that you see Klamm in them proves nothing, for you’re still, unfortunately, under the landlady’s influence and see Klamm everywhere. You’re still Klamm’s sweetheart, and not my wife yet by a long chalk. Sometimes that makes me quite dejected, I feel then as if I had lost everything, I feel as if I had only newly come to the village, yet not full of hope, as I actually came, but with the knowledge that only disappointments await me, and that I will have to swallow them down one after another to the very dregs. But that is only sometimes,” K. added smiling, when he saw Frieda’s dejection at hearing his words, “and at bottom it merely proves one good thing, that is, how much you mean to me. And if you order me now to choose between you and the assistants, that’s enough to decide the assistants’ fate. What an idea, to choose between you and the assistants! But now I want to be rid of them finally, in word and thought as well. Besides who knows whether the weakness that has come over us both mayn’t be due to
Вы читаете The Castle
