The Apple Cart

epub:type="z3998:stage-direction">Hastily resuming his work. Yes, devil take you: why did you start me talking before I had finished my work? You have nothing to do but pretend to read the newspapers for him; and when you say “Nothing particular this morning, Sir,” all he says is “Thank Heaven!” But if I missed a note from one of his aunts inviting herself to tea, or a little line from Orinthia the Beloved marked “Strictly private and confidential: to be opened by His Majesty alone,” I should never hear the end of it. He had six love letters yesterday; and all he said when I told him was “Take them to the Queen.” He thinks they amuse her. I believe they make her as sick as they make me. Pamphilius Do Orinthia’s letters go to the Queen? Sempronius No, by George! Even I don’t read Orinthia’s letters. My instructions are to read everything; but I take care to forget to open hers. And I notice that I am not rebuked for my negligence. Pamphilius Thoughtfully. I suppose⁠— Sempronius Oh shut up, Pam. I shall never get through if you go on talking. Pamphilius I was only going to say that I suppose⁠— Sempronius Something about Orinthia. Don’t. If you indulge in supposition on that subject, you will lose your job, old chap. So stow it. Pamphilius Don’t cry out before Orinthia is hurt, young chap. I was going to say that I suppose you know that that bull-roarer Boanerges has just been taken into the Cabinet as President of the Board of Trade, and that he is coming here today to give the King a piece of his mind, or what he calls his mind, about the crisis. Sempronius What does the King care about the crisis? There has been a crisis every two months since he came to the throne; but he has always been too clever for them. He’ll turn Boanerges inside out after letting him roar the palace down. Boanerges enters, dressed in a Russian blouse and peaked cap, which he keeps on. He is fifty, heavily built and aggressively self-assertive. Boanerges Look here. The King has an appointment with me at a quarter to twelve. How long more am I to be kept waiting? Sempronius With cheerful politeness. Good morning. Mr. Boanerges, I think. Boanerges Shortly, but a little taken aback. Oh, good morning to you. They say that politeness is the punctuality of kings⁠— Sempronius The other way about, Mr. Boanerges. Punctuality is the politeness of kings; and King Magnus is a model in that respect. Your arrival cannot have been announced to His Majesty. I will see about it. He hurries out. Pamphilius Be seated, Mr. Boanerges. Boanerges Seating himself by Pamphilius’s writing-table. A nice lot of young upstarts you have in this palace, Mr.⁠—? Pamphilius Pamphilius is my name. Boanerges Oh yes: I’ve heard of you. You’re one of the king’s private secretaries. Pamphilius I am. And what have our young upstarts been doing to you, Mr. Boanerges? Boanerges Well, I told one of them to tell the king I was here, and to look sharp about it. He looked at me as if I was a performing elephant, and took himself off after whispering to another flunkey. Then this other chap comes over to me and pretends he doesn’t know who I am! asks me can he have my name! “My lad,” I said: “not to know me argues yourself unknown. You know who I am as well as I do myself. Go and tell the king I’m waiting for him, d’ye see?” So he took himself off with a flea in his ear. I waited until I was fed up with it, and then opened the nearest door and came in here. Pamphilius Young rascals! However, my friend Mr. Sempronius will make it all right for you. Boanerges Oh: that was Sempronius, was it. I’ve heard of him too. Pamphilius You seem to have heard of all of us. You will be quite at home in the palace now that you are a Cabinet Minister. By the way, may I congratulate you on your appointment⁠—or rather congratulate the Cabinet on your accession? Sempronius Returning. The King. He goes to his table and takes the visitor’s chair in his hand, ready for the king’s instructions as to where to place it. Pamphilius rises. Boanerges turns to the door in his chair without rising. King Magnus, a tallish studious looking gentleman of 45 or thereabouts, enters, and comes quickly down the middle of the room to Boanerges, proffering his hand cordially. Magnus You are very welcome to my little palace, Mr. Boanerges. Won’t you sit down? Boanerges I am sitting down. Magnus True, Mr. Boanerges. I had not noticed it. Forgive me: force of habit. He indicates to Sempronius that he wishes to sit near Boanerges, on his right. Sempronius places the chair accordingly. Magnus You will allow me to be seated? Boanerges Oh, sit down, man, sit down. You’re in your own house: ceremony cuts no ice with me. Magnus Gratefully. Thank you. The King sits. Pamphilius sits. Sempronius returns to his table and sits. Magnus It is a great pleasure to meet you at last, Mr. Boanerges. I have followed your career with interest ever since you contested Northampton twenty-five years ago. Boanerges Pleased and credulous. I should just think you have, King Magnus. I have made you sit up once or twice, eh? Magnus Smiling. Your voice has shaken the throne oftener than that. Boanerges Indicating the secretaries with a jerk of his head. What about these two? Are they to overhear everything that passes? Magnus My private secretaries. Do they incommode you? Boanerges Oh, they don’t incommode me. I am ready to have our talk out in Trafalgar Square if you like, or have it broadcast on the wireless. Magnus That would be a treat for my people, Mr. Boanerges. I am sorry we have not arranged for it. Boanerges Gathering himself together formidably. Yes; but do you realize that I