The Adventurous Simplicissimus

and to pick up what the fishmongers themselves were about to throw away. Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer which well-nigh burst my belly, and yet must pass as fine old October. Besides all this, I learned from his German servant that in summertime ’twas yet worse: for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner and a handful of salad at supper. So I asked him why did he stay with the old miser. He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must count more on the drink-money of travellers than on that mouldy old Jew, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the cellar-key, for he grudged them even a drop of wine, and, in a word, was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find; what I had seen up till now, said he, was nothing: if I did but stay there for a while I should perceive that he was not ashamed to skin a flea for its fat. Once, said he, the old fellow had brought home six pounds of tripe or chitterlings and put it in his larder: but to the great delight of his children the grating chanced to be open: so they tied a tablespoon to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out ’twas the cat had done it. That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so much as his chitterlings.

Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students, however much it might cost: and there ’twas certainly more royal fare; yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways⁠—first in fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our appetite: yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal. His wine, too, was well watered and not of a kind to aid digestion: and the cheese which was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch butter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at breakfast; as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it was ripe and fit to eat; and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear: but secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way.

Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present: this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have game to our dinner: but the German servant said to me we need not lick our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders that he need not serve them such dainties; I should go to the Old Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for sale. So I cut a bit out of the hare’s ear, and as we sat at our midday meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would follow me; for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get the hare too. Every one of them consented; for they had long desired to play our host a trick of which he could not complain. So that afternoon we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a farthing. There we found him in talk with some of the nobles. Now I had engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to say, “Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property: last night ’twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up willingly, ’tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court.” The huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter: for there stood the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell; and he could surely not have stolen it. So as they disputed, they gathered a crowd round them; which when our miser was ware of and saw which way the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame. But the fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to show everyone present the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he was right and voted him the hare. Meanwhile I drew near with my company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we were agreed I presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it served up at our table: but the fellow I had engaged with I paid, instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer. So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh: and had