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goodnatured barbarians. They have elected you President five times in succession. They will elect you five times more. I like you. You are better company than a dog or a horse because you can speak. Burge-Lubin Am I a barbarian because you like me? Confucius Surely. Nobody likes me: I am held in awe. Capable persons are never liked. I am not likeable; but I am indispensable. Burge-Lubin Oh, cheer up, old man: theres nothing so disagreeable about you as all that. I don’t dislike you; and if you think I’m afraid of you, you jolly well don’t know Burge-Lubin: that’s all. Confucius You are brave: yes. It is a form of stupidity. Burge-Lubin You may not be brave: one doesn’t expect it from a Chink. But you have the devil’s own cheek. Confucius I have the assured certainty of the man who sees and knows. Your genial bluster, your cheery self-confidence, are pleasant, like the open air. But they are blind: they are vain. I seem to see a great dog wag his tail and bark joyously. But if he leaves my heel he is lost. Burge-Lubin Thank you for a handsome compliment. I have a big dog; and he is the best fellow I know. If you knew how much uglier you are than a chow, you wouldn’t start those comparisons, though. Rising. Well, if you have nothing for me to do, I am going to leave your heel for the rest of the day and enjoy myself. What would you recommend me to do with myself? Confucius Give yourself up to contemplation; and great thoughts will come to you. Burge-Lubin Will they? If you think I am going to sit here on a fine day like this with my legs crossed waiting for great thoughts, you exaggerate my taste for them. I prefer marine golf. Stopping short. Oh, by the way, I forgot something. I have a word or two to say to the Minister of Health. He goes back to his chair. Confucius Her number is⁠— Burge-Lubin I know it. Confucius Rising. I cannot understand her attraction for you. For me a woman who is not yellow does not exist, save as an official. He goes out. Burge-Lubin operates his switchboard as before. The screen vanishes: and a dainty room with a bed, a wardrobe, and a dressing-table with a mirror and a switch on it, appears. Seated at it a handsome negress is trying on a brilliant head scarf. Her dressing-gown is thrown back from her shoulders to her chair. She is in corset, knickers, and silk stockings. Burge-Lubin Horrified. I beg your pardon a thousand times⁠—The startled negress snatches the peg out of her switchboard and vanishes. The Negress’s Voice Who is it? Burge-Lubin Me. The President. Burge-Lubin. I had no idea your bedroom switch was in. I beg your pardon. The negress reappears. She has pulled the dressing-gown perfunctorily over her shoulders, and continues her experiments with the scarf, not at all put out, and rather amused by Burge’s prudery. The Negress Stupid of me. I was talking to another lady this morning; and I left the peg in. Burge-Lubin But I am so sorry. The Negress Sunnily: still busy with the scarf. Why? It was my fault. Burge-Lubin Embarrassed. Well⁠—er⁠—But I suppose you were used to it in Africa. The Negress Your delicacy is very touching, Mr. President. It would be funny if it were not so unpleasant, because, like all white delicacy, it is in the wrong place. How do you think this suits my complexion? Burge-Lubin How can any really vivid color go wrong with a black satin skin? It is our women’s wretched pale faces that have to be matched and lighted. Yours is always right. The Negress Yes: it is a pity your white beauties have all the same ashy faces, the same colorless drab, the same age. But look at their beautiful noses and little lips! They are physically insipid: they have no beauty: you cannot love them; but how elegant! Burge-Lubin Cant you find an official pretext for coming to see me? Isn’t it ridiculous that we have never met? It’s so tantalizing to see you and talk to you, and to know all the time that you are two hundred miles away, and that I can’t touch you? The Negress I cannot live on the East Coast: it is hard enough to keep my blood warm here. Besides, my friend, it would not be safe. These distant flirtations are very charming; and they teach self-control. Burge-Lubin Damn self-control! I want to hold you in my arms⁠—to⁠—the negress snatches out the peg from the switchboard and vanishes. She is still heard laughing. Black devil! He snatches out his peg furiously: her laugh is no longer heard. Oh, these sex episodes! Why can I not resist them? Disgraceful! Confucius returns. Confucius I forgot. There is something for you to do this morning. You have to go to the Record Office to receive the American barbarian. Burge-Lubin Confucius: once for all, I object to this Chinese habit of describing white men as barbarians. Confucius Standing formally at the end of the table with his hands palm to palm. I make a mental note that you do not wish the Americans to be described as barbarians. Burge-Lubin Not at all. The Americans are barbarians. But we are not. I suppose the particular barbarian you are speaking of is the American who has invented a means of breathing under water. Confucius He says he has invented such a method. For some reason which is not intelligible in China, Englishmen always believe any statement made by an American inventor, especially one who has never invented anything. Therefore you believe this person and have given him a public reception. Today the Record Office is entertaining him with a display of the cinematographic records of all the eminent Englishmen who have lost their lives by drowning since the cinema was invented. Why not go to see it if you are at a loss for something to do?