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Something we don’t understand. Come and help us out. The Archbishop May I ask how the question has arisen? Barnabas Ah! You begin to smell a rat, do you? You thought yourself pretty safe. You⁠— Burge-Lubin Steady, Barnabas. Don’t be in a hurry. Confucius enters. The Archbishop Rising. Good morning, Mr. Chief Secretary. Burge-Lubin Rising in instinctive imitation of the Archbishop. Honor us by taking a seat, O sage. Confucius Ceremony is needless. He bows to the company, and takes the chair at the foot of the table. The President and the Archbishop resume their seats. Burge-Lubin We wish to put a case to you, Confucius. Suppose a man, instead of conforming to the official estimate of his expectation of life, were to live for more than two centuries and a half, would the Accountant General be justified in calling him a thief? Confucius No. He would be justified in calling him a liar. The Archbishop I think not, Mr. Chief Secretary. What do you suppose my age is? Confucius Fifty. Burge-Lubin You don’t look it. Forty-five; and young for your age. The Archbishop My age is two hundred and eighty-three. Barnabas Morosely triumphant. Hmp! Mad, am I? Burge-Lubin You’re both mad. Excuse me, Archbishop; but this is getting a bit⁠—well⁠— The Archbishop To Confucius. Mr. Chief Secretary: will you, to oblige me, assume that I have lived nearly three centuries? As a hypothesis? Burge-Lubin What is a hypothesis? Confucius It does not matter. I understand. To the Archbishop. Am I to assume that you have lived in your ancestors, or by metempsychosis⁠— Burge-Lubin Met⁠—Emp⁠—Sy⁠—Good Lord! What a brain, Confucius! What a brain! The Archbishop Nothing of that kind. Assume in the ordinary sense that I was born in the year 1887, and that I have worked continuously in one profession or another since the year 1910. Am I a thief? Confucius I do not know. Was that one of your professions? The Archbishop No. I have been nothing worse than an Archbishop, a President, and a General. Barnabas Has he or has he not robbed the Exchequer by drawing five or six incomes when he was only entitled to one? Answer me that. Confucius Certainly not. The hypothesis is that he has worked continuously since 1910. We are now in the year 2170. What is the official lifetime? Barnabas Seventy-eight. Of course it’s an average; and we don’t mind a man here and there going on to ninety, or even, as a curiosity, becoming a centenarian. But I say that a man who goes beyond that is a swindler. Confucius Seventy-eight into two hundred and eighty-three goes more than three and a half times. Your department owes the Archbishop two and a half educations and three and a half retiring pensions. Barnabas Stuff! How can that be? Confucius At what age do your people begin to work for the community? Burge-Lubin Three. They do certain things every day when they are three. Just to break them in, you know. But they become self-supporting, or nearly so, at thirteen. Confucius And at what age do they retire? Barnabas Forty-three. Confucius That is, they do thirty years’ work; and they receive maintenance and education, without working, for thirteen years of childhood and thirty-five years of superannuation, forty-eight years in all, for each thirty years’ work. The Archbishop has given you 260 years’ work, and has received only one education and no superannuation. You therefore owe him over 300 years of leisure and nearly eight educations. You are thus heavily in his debt. In other words, he has effected an enormous national economy by living so long; and you, by living only seventy-eight years, are profiting at his expense. He is the benefactor: you are the thief. Half rising. May I now withdraw and return to my serious business, as my own span is comparatively short? Burge-Lubin Don’t be in a hurry, old chap. Confucius sits down again. This hypothecary, or whatever you call it, is put up seriously. I don’t believe it; but if the Archbishop and the Accountant General are going to insist that it’s true, we shall have either to lock them up or to see the thing through. Barnabas It’s no use trying these Chinese subtleties on me. I’m a plain man; and though I don’t understand metaphysics, and don’t believe in them, I understand figures; and if the Archbishop is only entitled to seventy-eight years, and he takes 283, I say he takes more than he is entitled to. Get over that if you can. The Archbishop I have not taken 283 years: I have taken 23 and given 260. Confucius Do your accounts show a deficiency or a surplus? Barnabas A surplus. That’s what I can’t make out. That’s the artfulness of these people. Burge-Lubin That settles it. What’s the use of arguing? The Chink says you are wrong; and theres an end of it. Barnabas I say nothing against the Chink’s arguments. But what about my facts? Confucius If your facts include a case of a man living 283 years, I advise you to take a few weeks at the seaside. Barnabas Let there be an end of this hinting that I am out of my mind. Come and look at the cinema record. I tell you this man is Archbishop Haslam, Archbishop Stickit, President Dickenson, General Bullyboy and himself into the bargain; all five of them. The Archbishop I do not deny it. I never have denied it. Nobody has ever asked me. Burge-Lubin But damn it, man⁠—I beg your pardon, Archbishop; but really, really⁠— The Archbishop Don’t mention it. What were you going to say? Burge-Lubin Well, you were drowned four times over. You are not a cat, you know. The Archbishop That is very easy to understand. Consider my situation when I first made the amazing discovery that I was destined to live three hundred years! I⁠— Confucius Interrupting him. Pardon me. Such a discovery was impossible. You have not made it yet. You may live a million years if you have already lived two hundred. There is no question of three hundred years. You have made a slip at the very