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none of our generals could stand up against him. I give him best at that game: he is the finest soldier in the world. Besides, he is an emperor and an autocrat; and I am only an elected representative of the British democracy. Not that our British democrats won’t fight: they will fight the heads off all the Turanians that ever walked; but then it takes so long to work them up to it, while he has only to say the word and march. But you people would never get on with him. Believe me, you would not be as comfortable in Turania as you would be with us. We understand you. We like you. We are easygoing people; and we are rich people. That will appeal to you. Turania is a poor place when all is said. Five-eighths of it is desert. They don’t irrigate as we do. Besides⁠—now I am sure this will appeal to you and to all right-minded men⁠—we are Christians. Zozim The old uns prefer Muhammadans. The Envoy Shocked. What! Zozim Distinctly. They prefer Muhammadans. What’s wrong with that? The Envoy Well, of all the disgraceful⁠— The Elderly Gentleman Diplomatically interrupting his scandalized son-in-law. There can be no doubt, I am afraid, that by clinging too long to the obsolete features of the old pseudo-Christian Churches we allowed the Muhammadans to get ahead of us at a very critical period of the development of the Eastern world. When the Muhammadan Reformation took place, it left its followers with the enormous advantage of having the only established religion in the world in whose articles of faith any intelligent and educated person could believe. The Envoy But what about our Reformation? Don’t give the show away, Poppa. We followed suit, didn’t we? The Elderly Gentleman Unfortunately, Ambrose, we could not follow suit very rapidly. We had not only a religion to deal with, but a Church. Zozim What is a Church? The Envoy Not know what a Church is! Well! The Elderly Gentleman You must excuse me; but if I attempted to explain you would only ask me what a bishop is; and that is a question that no mortal man can answer. All I can tell you is that Muhammad was a truly wise man; for he founded a religion without a Church; consequently when the time came for a Reformation of the mosques there were no bishops and priests to obstruct it. Our bishops and priests prevented us for two hundred years from following suit; and we have never recovered the start we lost then. I can only plead that we did reform our Church at last. No doubt we had to make a few compromises as a matter of good taste; but there is now very little in our Articles of Religion that is not accepted as at least allegorically true by our Higher Criticism. The Envoy Encouragingly. Besides, does it matter? Why, I have never read the Articles in my life; and I am Prime Minister! Come! if my services in arranging for the reception of a colonizing party would be acceptable, they are at your disposal. And when I say a reception I mean a reception. Royal honors, mind you! A salute of a hundred and one guns! The streets lined with troops! The Guards turned out at the Palace! Dinner at the Guildhall! Zozim Discourage me if I know what you’re talking about! I wish Zoo would come: she understands these things. All I can tell you is that the general opinion among the Colonizers is in favor of beginning in a country where the people are of a different color from us; so that we can make short work without any risk of mistakes. The Envoy What do you mean by short work? I hope⁠— Zozim With obviously feigned geniality. Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. We are thinking of trying North America: that’s all. You see, the Red Men of that country used to be white. They passed through a period of sallow complexions, followed by a period of no complexions at all, into the red characteristic of their climate. Besides, several cases of long life have occurred in North America. They joined us here; and their stock soon reverted to the original white of these islands. The Elderly Gentleman But have you considered the possibility of your colony turning red? Zozim That won’t matter. We are not particular about our pigmentation. The old books mention red-faced Englishmen: they appear to have been common objects at one time. The Elderly Gentleman Very persuasively. But do you think you would be popular in North America? It seems to me, if I may say so, that on your own showing you need a country in which society is organized in a series of highly exclusive circles, in which the privacy of private life is very jealously guarded, and in which no one presumes to speak to anyone else without an introduction following a strict examination of social credentials. It is only in such a country that persons of special tastes and attainments can form a little world of their own, and protect themselves absolutely from intrusion by common persons. I think I may claim that our British society has developed this exclusiveness to perfection. If you would pay us a visit and see the working of our caste system, our club system, our guild system, you would admit that nowhere else in the world, least of all, perhaps in North America, which has a regrettable tradition of social promiscuity, could you keep yourselves so entirely to yourselves. Zozim Good-naturedly embarrassed. Look here. There is no good discussing this. I had rather not explain; but it won’t make any difference to our Colonizers what sort of short-livers they come across. We shall arrange all that. Never mind how. Let us join the ladies. The Elderly Gentleman Throwing off his diplomatic attitude and abandoning himself to despair. We understand you only too well, sir. Well, kill us. End the lives you have made miserably unhappy by