Short Fiction

over to Madison Avenue and found a cigarette store. She bought a package of cigarettes and walked around the corner, out of the wind, to light one.

But she had made her purchase in the kind of store that does not give you matches unless you ask for them. So she threw her cigarettes away.

Endnotes

1. Although the byline credits Ring W. Lardner, Jr., the story was in fact written by his father. The attribution is part of the story’s humor; Lardner Jr. was only four years old at the time of publication.

   —⁠S.E. Editor

   ↩

2. Editor’s note: This must be a mistake. In 1891, Paul Whiteman was only a year old.
   Author’s note: It was a different Paul Whiteman.
   Editor’s note: Must have been.
   Author’s note: Was. ↩

3. Editor’s note: Presumably another mistake. James Madison was known as “Sunny Jim,” never as “Old Hickory.”
   Author’s note: Your father died of electricity. ↩

4. Editor’s note: The last eight words seem to refer to radio. Radio was unheard of in 1891.
   Author’s note: You’re an old fool. ↩

5. Editor’s note: This must be a mistake. Mr. Lardner is writing about the year 1898; the Chicago fire occurred in 1871.
   Author’s note: There is a considerable difference of time between Chicago and San Francisco. ↩

6. Editor’s note: It would have been impossible for Mr. Lardner at his age and with his credits, or lack of credits, to enter the Harvard Law School.
   Author’s note: That’s why I thought of it first. ↩

7. Editor’s note: Mr. Lardner, asked to explain the meaning of sextuple threat as applied to a half back, said it meant a half back who could not only kick, pass and run forwards, but also run backwards, act as field judge and announce the results of out-of-town games. He said that in all football history there had been only four really great sextuple threaters⁠—himself, Marilyn Miller and the Mayo Brothers. ↩

8. Editor’s note: Prof. Snoot was never connected with the University of Chicago.
   Author’s note: That is the telephone company’s fault. The number is Midway 100.
   Operator’s note: The number has been changed to Midway 2,000.
   Author’s note: Well, let’s have that number, please. ↩

9. Editor’s note: The author evidently means “eleven,” not “nine.”
   Author’s note: Other teams would not play against Mr. Thorne unless he limited himself to eight helpers instead of the regulation ten. ↩

10. Editor’s note: They still are in some cities. ↩

11. Editor’s note: “Sucker” was a slang invention of the author’s, meaning probably in this case, “dub” or “flop.” ↩

12. Editor’s note: These facts are brought out in other autobiographies of the early nineties.
    Author’s note: What of it? ↩

13. Editor’s note: The Oakland Mole in San Francisco Bay got its name in much the same way. ↩

14. Editor’s note: A pseudonym for New York. ↩

15. Editor’s note: She called him Lardy. ↩

16. Editor’s note: The author probably means “bored stiff.”
    Author’s note: The h‑ll I do! ↩

17. Editor’s note: The above paragraph is followed in the manuscript by a description of the game between Yale and Spence. It is vulgar.
    Author’s note: So is your old man. ↩

18. Editor’s note: This house is now occupied by the Cunards. ↩

19. Editor’s note: Kahn and Donaldson claim they were not there.
    Author’s note: Were too! ↩

20. Editor’s note: A suburb of Brooklyn. ↩

21. Editor’s note: This was undoubtedly Mary Lewis.
    Author’s note: No. It was a man.
    Editor’s note: My mistake. ↩

22. Editor’s note: Mr. Lardner was the first to employ the crawl stroke, covering the entire twenty-eight feet on his hands and knees. ↩

23. Editor’s note: Boats had, by this time, been invented. ↩

24. Editor’s note: I didn’t. ↩

25. Editor’s note: If Lardner had stayed there all his life, which he would have done if he had waited for his degree, he doubtless would have become known as the Princeton yell. ↩

26. Editor’s note: Not me. ↩

27. Editor’s note: Haverstraw, New Jersey, is said to have been named after Mr. Whelton. ↩

28. Editor’s note: This is still true today.
    Author’s note: You spoke a full quart. ↩

29. Editor’s note: Unless you deprived him of the cereal.
    Author’s note: That is understood. ↩

30. Editor’s note: Was it? ↩

31. Editor’s note: There was also a rule against tipping the beam. ↩

32. Editor’s note: Bilgewater was known among his intimates as “Blind” Bilgewater.
    Author’s note: You have him confused with some other Bilgewater. This Bilgewater was known as “Keen Eye” Bilgewater.
    Wife’s note: Dinner is ready. ↩

33. Editor’s note: Tabloid editors then worked in private baths instead of private offices ↩

34. Editor’s note: This remark of Mr. Greeley’s has often been misquoted as “Young man, go west,” and “Young man, go mah jongg,” and sometimes even as “Young man, go get my slippers.”
    Author’s note: Some of the misquotations have been laughable. ↩

35. Editor’s note: This was probably the origin of the song, “Horace’s, Horace’s, Horace’s.” ↩

36. Editor’s note: A boo scorpion was a sort of spider that went around booing ball players, actors and cockeyed spaniels. ↩

37. Editor’s note: The author was probably not aware of the fact that the last named pixy is still running amuck in many places, notably East Hampton, Long Island, in spite of the vigilance of the narcotic squad. ↩

38. Editor’s note: The author evidently means “heavily.”
    Author’s note: The editor is evidently a f⁠⸺⁠l. ↩

39. Illinois: 491; Shields v. Shields. ↩