I’m not a nervous guy, as a rule. I take life easier than pretty near anybody I know. But I leave it to you if the calmest fella in the world wouldn’t be affected by a thing like that if it went on long enough.
It got so’s my hands begin to shake and my teeth begin to grind when I seen him comin’. And I’d wake up five and six times a night and start bitin’ the sheets. And a couple o’ times, in my sleep, I hollered out: “She’s the best little wife a man ever had!” My own Missus, all smiles, would tell me about it in the mornin’.
When I caught myself orderin’ a Swiss ess for lunch one noon, I figured it was time to take immediate steps. First, I thought o’ pickin’ a quarrel with him and tellin’ him to keep away from me. But it’d of been just like slappin’ a baby. Then I thought o’ quittin’ my job and lookin’ for another. But I’m in pretty soft where I’m at and I’ll be in better when a couple o’ the fossils dies off. O’ course I could of framed it so’s he’d get fired; but I’m too good-hearted to pull anything like that.
I knew it wasn’t only a question o’ time when she’d say somethin’ or do somethin’ that’d result in him bein’ able to look in her eyes without gettin’ stewed. When that come off, he might still think she was maybe the best little wife, but they’d be enough doubt about it so’s he’d keep it to himself. Considerin’, though, the thickness o’ the shell of his bean, this probably wouldn’t happen for a year or more; and by that time I’d be fightin’ with the guards and claimin’ I was the Kaiser’s sister.
I says to myself:
“If he only played poker! If I could only get him and her mixed up together in a game o’ deuces wild!”
But connectin’ him with any game o’ cards, even flinch or authors, seemed so ridiculous that I’d of dropped the idear entirely if he hadn’t give me the openin’ himself.
The mornin’ after I’d ordered the liquid lunch he says:
“I wonder if you could spare me eats money today?”
“I suppose so,” I says. “But where did you squander your week’s salary?”
“Oh,” he says, “we always put most of it in the savin’s bank, keepin’ just enough for my lunches and carfare and incidentals. But I was out o’ luck last night and the father-in-law trimmed me of a dollar and a half.”
“Doin’ what?” I ast.
“Playin’ rhummy,” says he.
“I didn’t know you played cards,” says I.
“We play every night,” he says.
“Always rhummy?” I ast him.
“Oh, no,” he says. “All the different kinds.”
“How about poker?” says I.
“No; not poker,” he says. “They’s only four of us and that don’t hardly make a good game. But I like it better’n any o’ them. Before I met Marion, I and some o’ the boys where I boarded had a little session o’ penny ante every other evenin’. Just a little friendly game, with deuces wild.”
“Does your wife play?” I ast.
“She knows how,” he says, “because I’ve showed her the value o’ the cards. She picks everything up quick.”
“Well,” I says, “if you two could make up your mind to leave home some night, we’d simply love to have you come out and get in our game.”
“Maybe your game’s too big,” says he.
“No, indeed,” I told him. “Just dime chips, with a twenty-cent limit.”
“That ain’t bad,” he says.
“I wisht you would come out,” says I. “I know from what you tell me about your wife that my Missus would be crazy over her. And besides, it’s a good thing for a young couple to get away from the house once in a while. And we don’t only live twenty minutes’ ride from your place.”
“By George!” he says. “I’ll ask Marion. For one thing, I want to show her to you.”
“I’m wild to see her,” says I. “Tomorrow night?”
“I’ll call her up and then let you know,” says he.
And in fifteen minutes it was fixed.
IV
Well, I didn’t give the plot away to the Missus. I just told her I wanted her to know a young friend o’ mine from the office, and that he was just married, and they didn’t know many people or go round much, so I thought it’d be nice to show ’em a good time. And, o’ course, we’d have a little friendly game, because Quinn was crazy about poker.
We decided to ask the Hatches and Tuttles, and the Missus was goin’ to look on from the sidelines, because eight’s too many. But, as luck would have it, the night we picked was the one when Mrs. Tuttle’s maid went out, and she had to stay home and take care o’ little Joe and Millicent. Big Joe, though, said he’d come alone.
Him and the Hatches was already there when Quinn and the best little wife a man ever had blew in. Now I always give people whatever they got comin’. Mrs. Quinn’s a mighty pretty girl. If I’d met her when we was both young and single, I might of fell in love with her myself, provided I hadn’t heard her talk. In the first place, she’s got a voice just like one o’ them air whistles that the flagman keeps pullin’ when they’re backin’ the Limited in. In the second place, all her conversation’s so sweet that when she winds up a sentence you feel like you got to eat a pickle. And besides that, she’s in the last and worst stage o’ giggleitis.
She tee-heed when she was introduced to Tuttle and the Hatches; and while, o’ course, they’s plenty o’ provocation for that, still, it’d be manners to try and keep a straight
