Fred Gross Stories

up to the golf club and was going to play but they wasent nobody else there so I thought I would wait around till some one come to play with. So I waited all the a.m. and nobody come and wile I was waiting I got thirsty and the stewart brought me a drink and then he brought me some more and I guess I must of had about a dozen but I should worry when I was getting them for nothing and just signing my name so as the stewart could keep track of who got them. Well finely it come noon time and I was hungry and the stewart says he could serve me my lunch so I says all right and he give me a lunch and they must of been something that was poisened because I noticed later on that I was kind of dizzy and my head spining around. But just when I was through lunch who should come in but Mr. Carpenter and Mr. Thomas.

Well, I says to them, I hope you got over your soreness about me winning the cup and if you aint sore you can set down with me and have a drink.

So they looked at each other and then they both excepted the invitation and set down and I ast them what would they have and they says they never drunk nothing only wine. So I called the stewart in and ast him did he have some wine and sure enough he did. How is that for a club Chas. where you can get all the champagne you want to drink by just signing your name. So I had a bottle with them and then Thomas says he would have another and when they brought it in Thomas says he would sign for it but the card was right near me so I says Whats the difference who signs it I will sign it myself. So then we had 3 more bottles and I signed for them again and then I sung a ballid for them and then Thomas ast me how my golf game was.

I guess you know, I says. Its good enough to beat you.

For how much, he says.

What ever you say, I says.

I will play you for a hundred bucks, says Thomas.

So I says I dident want to rob him and I would play him for $50 and he put up $50 and I had to write a check and we put it up with Carpenter. So then Thomas says he would give me a strike a hole and I says he wouldent do nothing of the kind because I could beat him even. So then we got our clubs and went to it.

Well Charley I knowed the minute I got out there that something I had eat had disagreed with me and if I had of been like some guys I would of quit on acct. of feeling sick. But I am not no yellow dog Charley and I made up my mind I would go through with it bad as I felt.

Well Thomas drove off the tea and got a pretty fair drive and then it was my turn and I was so sick I couldent hardly see and I missed the ball and then I swang and missed it again and finely when I did hit it I hit it crooked and it only went about 20 ft. So then Thomas got smart and says he would tell me what was the matter with me. You swang back too fast, he says, and you stood too close to the ball and your eyes was shut and you was doing the foxy trot with your left foot.

You shut your mouth, I says.

Well Carpenter went along with us and kept score and of all the crooked scoreing I ever seen he had it beat. Why 1 time he counted a strike on me when I hit the ball with my putter swinging back before I was even ready to hit it tords the hole.

I drove off pretty good on the 2nd hole but I got another dizzy spell right away and when I tried to hit the ball with my brassy I couldent hardly see and I hit the ground back of it 3 or 4 times and dident never touch the ball.

You could make bigger holes with a plow, says Thomas.

You must think theys oil on this property, says Carpenter.

Your both too smart, I says. But I would make you look like a sucker if I hadent eat that ham for lunch.

Well they aint no use telling you the rest of it. I wasent in no shape to play my game and Thomas beat me by 3 or 4 holes. Carpenter says I was 18 down at the end of the 1st 9, but he was stretching it.

You beat me all right, I says to Thomas, but you know what a fat chance you would of had only for that ketchup I had for lunch being spoiled and made me sick.

I am glad to get that news about ketchup, says Thomas, because when the country gos dry we will want something that effects a man that way.

Then Carpenter says that wine was a good anecdote for a man that got poisoned by ketchup and he says he would buy a bottle when we got in the club house.

So I says Yes you cheap skate. But you wouldent buy no wine if you had to pay for it. Any body can buy wine when all as they half to do is sign there name.

So he says the reason he suggested him signing his name was because he thought I was too sick to sign my name. So I says, I will show you if I am too sick or not, so when we got in the club house we had 6 more bottles and I signed for them.

Well Charley they got me that time and