Had I then misunderstood him? Could it be that his outstretched hands had really been directed towards my feet? Yet, surely, even Amulya had seen the passion that flamed out of his eyes, his face. But Sandip is such an adept in setting music to his chant of praise that I cannot argue; I lose my power of seeing truth; my sight is clouded over like an opium-eater’s eyes. And so, after all, he gave me back twice as much in return for the blow I had dealt him—the wound on his head ended by making me bleed at heart. When I had received Sandip’s obeisance my theft seemed to gain a dignity, and the gold glittering on the table to smile away all fear of disgrace, all stings of conscience.
Like me Amulya also was won back. His devotion to Sandip, which had suffered a momentary check, blazed up anew. The flower-vase of his mind filled once more with offerings for the worship of Sandip and me. His simple faith shone out of his eyes with the pure light of the morning star at dawn.
After I had offered worship and received worship my sin became radiant. And as Amulya looked on my face he raised his folded hands in salutation and cried Bande Mataram! I cannot expect to have this adoration surrounding me forever; and yet this has come to be the only means of keeping alive my self-respect.
I can no longer enter my bedroom. The bedstead seems to thrust out a forbidding hand, the iron safe frowns at me. I want to get away from this continual insult to myself which is rankling within me. I want to keep running to Sandip to hear him sing my praises. There is just this one little altar of worship which has kept its head above the all-pervading depths of my dishonour, and so I want to cleave to it night and day; for on whichever side I step away from it, there is only emptiness.
Praise, praise, I want unceasing praise. I cannot live if my wine-cup be left empty for a single moment. So, as the very price of my life, I want Sandip of all the world, today.
XVII
When my husband nowadays comes in for his meals I feel I cannot sit before him; and yet it is such a shame not to be near him that I feel I cannot do that either. So I seat myself where we cannot look at each other’s face. That was how I was sitting the other day when the Bara Rani came and joined us.
“It is all very well for you, brother,” said she, “to laugh away these threatening letters. But they do frighten me so. Have you sent off that money you gave me to the Calcutta bank?”
“No, I have not yet had the time to get it away,” my husband replied.
“You are so careless, brother dear, you had better look out …”
“But it is in the iron safe right inside the inner dressing-room,” said my husband with a reassuring smile.
“What if they get in there? You can never tell!”
“If they go so far, they might as well carry you off too!”
“Don’t you fear, no one will come for poor me. The real attraction is in your room! But joking apart, don’t run the risk of keeping money in the room like that.”
“They will be taking along the Government revenue to Calcutta in a few days now; I will send this money to the bank under the same escort.”
“Very well. But see you don’t forget all about it, you are so absentminded.”
“Even if that money gets lost, while in my room, the loss cannot be yours, Sister Rani.”
“Now, now, brother, you will make me very angry if you talk in that way. Was I making any difference between yours and mine? What if your money is lost, does not that hurt me? If Providence has thought fit to take away my all, it has not left me insensible to the value of the most devoted brother known since the days of Lakshman.25
“Well, Junior Rani, are you turned into a wooden doll? You have not spoken a word yet. Do you know, brother, our Junior Rani thinks I try to flatter you. If things came to that pass I should not hesitate to do so, but I know my dear old brother does not need it!”
Thus the Senior Rani chattered on, not forgetting now and then to draw her brother’s attention to this or that special delicacy amongst the dishes that were being served. My head was all the time in a whirl. The crisis was fast coming. Something must be done about replacing that money. And as I kept asking myself what could be done, and how it was to be done, the unceasing patter of my sister-in-law’s words seemed more and more intolerable.
What made it all the worse was, that nothing could escape my sister-in-law’s keen eyes. Every now and then she was casting side glances towards me. What she could read in my face I do not know, but to me it seemed that everything was written there only too plainly.
Then I did an infinitely rash thing. Affecting an easy, amused laugh I said: “All the Senior Rani’s suspicions, I see, are reserved for me—her fears of thieves and robbers are only a feint.”
The Senior Rani smiled mischievously. “You are right, sister mine. A woman’s theft is the most fatal of all thefts. But how can you elude my watchfulness? Am I a man, that you should hoodwink me?”
“If you fear me so,” I retorted, “let me keep in your hands all I have, as security. If I cause you loss, you can then repay yourself.”
“Just listen to her, our simple little Junior Rani!” she laughed back,
