If I Had a Father

dinner! Bill And after it too, daddy. Thomas O Lord!⁠—And what does hoo do when hoo ’s hungry? Bill Grins and bears it. Come and see her, daddy? Thomas O Lord! Mo Mattie, an’ nothin’ to eight! Goo on, boy. Aw’m beawn to follow yo. Tak mo wheer yo like. Aw’ll goo. Bill Come along then, daddy. James Collaring him. Hullo, young un! You’re the rascal as stole the suvering: I saw you! Bill Dunno what you’re up to. I never stole nothink. James Oh no! of course not! What’s that in yer fist now? Catches Bill’s hand, and forces it open. There! Bill drops his stool on James’s foot, throws up the coin, catches it with his other hand, and puts it in his mouth. Thomas Theighur! Theighur! The like ov that! Aw’re agooin wi’ a thief⁠—aw wur! Bill Never you mind, daddy. It wur guv to me. James That’s what they allus says, sir.⁠—You come along.⁠—I’d be obliged to you, sir, if you would come too, and say you saw him. Thomas Nay! aw connot say aw seigh him steyle it. James You saw it in his hand. Thomas Yigh! aw did. Bill It wis guv to me, I tell ye. James Honest boy, this one! Looks like it, don’t he, sir? What do you think of yourself, you young devil, a decoying of a grey-haired old gen’leman like this? Why, sir, him an’ his pals ’ud ha’ taken every penny you had about you! Murdered you, they might⁠—I’ve knowed as much. It’s a good thing I ’appened on the spot.⁠—Come along, you bad boy! Bill I didn’t, take it. And I won’t go. James Come along. They’ll change it for you at the lockup. Bill You didn’t see me steal it! You ain’t never a goin’ to gi’ me in charge? James Wrong again, young un! That’s? percisely what I am a goin’ to do! Bill Oh, sir! please, sir! I’m a honest boy. It’s the Bible-truth. I’ll kiss twenty books on it. James I won’t ax you.⁠—Why, sir, he ain’t even one o’ the shoe-brigade. He ’ain’t got a red coat. Bless my soul! he ’ain’t even got a box⁠—nothin’ but a scrubby pair o’ brushes as I’m alive! He ain’t no shoeblack. He’s a thief as purtends to black shoes, and picks pockets. Bill You’re a liar! I never picked a pocket, in my life. James Bad language, you see! What more would you have? Thomas Who’d iver lia’ thowt o’ sich wickedness in a boy like that! Bill I ain’t a wicked boy, no. Nay, doan’t thae tell mo that! Thae made gam of mo, and hurried and scurried mo, as iv aw’d been a mak ov a deevil⁠—yo did. James He’s one of the worst boys I know. This Timothy is one of the very worst boys in all London. Bill Aside. Timothy, eh? I twigs! It’s Rainbow, by Peter and Paul!⁠—Look y’e here, old gen’leman! This ’ere’s a bad cove as is takin’ adwantage o’ your woolliness. I knows him. His master guv me the suvering. He guv it to me to tell him where your Mattie was. James Don’t you fancy you’re g’ in’ to take in an experienced old gen’leman like that with your cock-and-bull stories! Come along, I say. Hey! Police! Bill Here you are! Takes the coin from his mouth, rubs it dry on his jacket, and offers it. I don’t want it. Give it to old Hunx there.⁠—He shan’t never see his Mattie! I wur right to chivy him, arter all. James Taking the coin. Now look here, Timothy. I’m a detective hofficer. But I won’t never be hard on no buy as wants to make a honest livin’. So you be hoff! I’ll show the old gen’leman where he wants to go to. Bill moves two paces, and takes a sight at him. Thomas The Lord be praised! Dosto know eawr Mattie then? James It’s the dooty of a detective hofficer to know every girl in his beat. Bill My eye! there’s a oner! Thomas Tak mo to her, sir, an’ aw’ll pray for yo. James I will.⁠—If I cotch you nearer than Mile End, I’ll give you in charge at oncet. Bill Bolting five yards. He’s a humbug, daddy! but he’ll serve you right. He’ll melt you down for taller. He ain’t no ’tective. I know him. Thomas Goo away. Bill Goodbye, daddy! He don’t know your Mattie. Goodbye, skelington! Exit. Thomas Eh! sech a boy! James Let me see. You want a girl of the name of Mattie? Thomas Aw do, sir. James The name is not an oncommon one. There’s Mattie Kent? Thomas Nay; it’s noan o’ her. James Then there’s Mattie Winchfield? Thomas Nay; it’s noan o’ her. James Then there’s Mattie Pearson? Thomas Yigh, that’s hoo! That’s hoo! Wheer? Wheer? James Well, it’s too far for a man of your age to walk. But I’ll call a cab, and we’ll go comfortable. Thomas But aw connot affoord to peigh for a cab⁠—as yo co it. James You don’t suppose I’m a goin’ to put an honest man like you to expense! Thomas It’s but raysonable I should peigh. But thae knows best. James Hey! Cab there! Exeunt. Reenter Bill, following them. Bill I’ll have an eye of him, though. The swell as give me the yellow-boy⁠—he’s his master! Poor old codger! He’ll believe any cove but the one as tells him the truth! Exit. Enter from the house Mrs. Clifford. Enter from opposite side Col. Gervaise. Col. Gervaise I was just coming to see you, Clara. Mrs. Clifford And I was going to see you. How’s Arthur today? I thought you would have come yesterday. Col. Gervaise My poor boy is as dependent on me as if I were not his father. I am very anxious about him. The fever keeps returning. Mrs. Clifford Fortune seems to have favoured your mad scheme, Walter. Col. Gervaise Or something better than fortune. Mrs. Clifford You have had rare and ample opportunity. You may end the farce when you please, and in triumph. Col. Gervaise On the contrary, Clara, it would be nothing but an anticlimax to end what you are pleased to call “the farce” now. As if I