said I, “did he want to do something with you?”-“That he never shall!” answered she; “I hate him beyond every thing. I never go to him now I am become more instructed.”-“And how did you get to know what he did?”-“I will tell you,” said the Sister; “but you must be discreet, or you will ruin me.”
– “I do not know, Silas,” continued my sister after a moment's silence, “if I can reveal all she told me.” My anxiety to know a story whose prelude so delighted me, furnished me with arguments to overcome Susan's hesitation. I mixed kisses with my assurances, and ultimately succeeded; and I give the Sister's relation exactly as she addressed it to Susan.
SISTER AGATHA'S STORY
I was very young when my mother, after the decease of her fourth husband, came to live as a boarder in this convent; nevertheless I was always fearful that her residing there would make me miserable. As I grew older and wiser, my aversion to the cloister increased, I ' felt something was wanting, and that was the sight of a man. From merely regretting this privation, I passed to the consideration of what made it so deeply felt. “What is a man?” said I. “Is he a creature different from ourselves? What is the cause of the emotions the sight of him produces in my heart? It certainly cannot be the charms of his person; for Father Jerome, disagreeable as he is, excites me when I am near him. Is it the mere emotions, but why?” I felt the reason, but could not explain it.
Sometimes I retired to my chamber and gave way to reflection, which stood me in the stead of society. For what was society? Women only; and in my solitude I thought of men alone. I fathomed my heart, and asked the reason of what it felt; I undressed myself, and contemplated my person in a voluptuous manner; I was on fire, I opened my thighs and sighed; my heated imagination presented me with a man-I extended my arms to embrace him; my cunny was devoured with a burning heat; but I never had the address to put my finger in it. Always restrained by the fear of hurting myself, I suffered the most excessive itching, without daring to allay it. Sometimes I was ready to give way; but scared from my design, I put my finger towards it, and hastily withdrew it; I covered it with the hollow of my hand, and pressed it; at last, I yielded to the violence of my passion, and thrust in my finger; I cared not for the pain, but highly relished the pleasure, which was so great that I thought I should die. This I did as many times as my strength permitted.
I was enraptured with the discovery I had made, which threw some light into my mind; I concluded that since my finger could procure me such delicious moments, the men must do with us what I had been doing for myself, and that they had a kind of finger to fit the place where I had put mine, for I no longer doubted that this was the high road to pleasure. Having learned much, I was eager to see in a man the reality of that whose mere shadow had given me so much pleasure.
I knew by instinct that men must experience feelings similar to mine on beholding persons of the opposite sex; so I began to exert my ingenuity in showing off to the best of my skill the attractions with which nature had favored me, by all the little artifices which my imagination suggested. I studied the language of the eyes, till I fancied I had acquired some proficiency therein, and then I longed for an opportunity of trying my skill upon a proper subject.
I was always in the apartment to which persons visiting the inmates of the convent are admitted, whenever I could find an excuse for being there; this appearing to me the most likely way of finding what I wanted. To this end I made the acquaintance of all the boarders who had brothers come to see them; and whenever any of them were asked for, I generally found means of going to see who was there.
I was one day examining very minutely a fine lad, whose black sparkling eyes returned my looks with interest. A feeling more delicate and exquisite than the sight of men in general procured me, fixed my attention upon him.
The pertinacity with which my eyes remained set upon him dissipated the indifference he at first exhibited; his eyes became animated, and he no longer turned them from me. He was by no means bashful, but of a forward bearing, which, well backed by a good looking countenance, was a warrant for his success with all the women he pleased to attack.
While his sister's attention was otherwise engaged, he made signs to me which I could not comprehend, but which my vanity induced me to pretend I did; and he was so far emboldened by my smiling that he began to make gestures which I well understood. He put his hand between his thighs; I blushed but did not the less follow the movement through the corner of my eye. He then raised it, making a sign with his left hand with which he grasped the other above the wrist; it did not require one very learned to perceive that he meant what he had just touched was of the length indicated.
His proceedings had set me all in a flame; modesty required me to go away, but one can offer only a feeble resistance when the heart is bent on betraying her. Love made me remain where I was, though I continued to look bashfully on the ground. I soon, however, gave a glance at Verland (for that was his name) by which I meant to show my displeasure, but my excitement gave different expression. He felt it, and perceived that I understood him, and also that I was too weak to disapprove of it. He took advantage of this, and in order to leave me nothing further to guess as to the ardor which animated him, he joined the forefinger and thumb of his left hand, and thrust one of the fingers of the other hand backwards and forwards in the opening between them, sighing at the same time. The rogue in doing thus recalled to my mind circumstances too agreeable to allow me to appear so offended as this want of respect deserved. How much should I have liked to be alone with him! But, alas, an impassable grating would then have arrested our pleasures!
At this moment my companion was called away, and, on leaving us, she said that she was going to see why they called her, and should return in a moment. Her brother profited by her absence to explain himself more clearly; he certainly did not make use of many words, but they were full of meaning. Although the compliment was not very polite, it appeared to me so natural that I always remember it with pleasure. “We have no time to lose,” said he; “my rod is as stiff as a poker, and I am dying to give it to you. Tell me how I” can get into your convent.” I was so stupefied by his words and the action which accompanied them that I remained motionless; so that he had tune to pass his hand through the grating, thrust it into my bosom, and make still more compliments of a like nature. And when I recovered my self-possession, I was so little inclined to stop his transports, that his sister returned and surprised us thus occupied. She scolded finely, and abused me as well as her brother, whom I never saw afterwards.
The whole convent soon knew my adventure and it was the cause of not a little chuckling, gossiping, joking, and quizzing. I made myself pretty easy about it, hoping it would not go further than the boarders. I was sure that the pretty ones would not betray me, but the ugly ones were by no means to be relied on.
The latter, who were quite secure from any temptation of the kind, cried scandal upon me; at first in a whisper, then aloud, and so loud that the old ones heard it. I laughed about it at first; I afterwards trembled, and had good reason so to do. The sage old ladies called a council, to deliberate as to what punishment ought to be inflicted upon one who suffered her bubbies to be touched by a man,-a crime quite unpardonable in the eyes of a set of old mummies who had nothing but leather bags which could be thrown over their shoulders. They found the case so grave that any one but myself would have been sent away. O how I wished they might do it! But I was expected to bring them a good dowry; for my mother had assured them that I should take the veil; so I was to be kept, and the council determined that I should be flogged. They came to execute the sentence, but I forestalled them, and had barricaded myself in my chamber; they broke open, the door and fell upon me. I bit one, scratched another, kicked a third, tore their dress, snatched off their caps, in short, defended myself so well that they gave up the business; gaming nothing by their exertions but the shame of having proved that six old women were not able to master a young girl. Indeed on this occasion I fought like a lioness.
My wrath and the care of defending myself had fully occupied me till then; and I only thought how I might get the better of the old hags; but soon after I became as feeble as I had been strong and courageous. Despair succeeded to rage. The glory of having vanquished did not equal in my mind the disgrace they had attempted to inflict, and I became very sad.
“How shall I appear again in the convent? Everybody will laugh at me,” said I; “but I will go and see my mother; she will upbraid me, but perhaps she will also forgive me. A man has… well, what harm is there in that? Did I consent? And supposing I did, what great harm in it? I will go to her;” and I rose from my bed with this intent, and should certainly have gone, if in stepping to open the door I had not trod upon something round which
