scandal, I must reconcile myself to the Father of mercies by the sacrament of penance; and to persuade it was not very interesting, I shall not repeat here.
My mother's discourse had almost converted me. However, the reluctance I felt to acknowledge my faults might well have made me doubt the reality of my conversion, and Father Jerome, instead of receiving my confession of my own free will, was obliged to draw it from me by a multitude of questions. God knows how it pleased the old sinner! I had never said so much before, though I had not said all; for I do not think it a very great crime for a poor girl to relieve herself when in a strait.-She did not make herself; can it be her fault if she has sensual desires? Is it her fault that she has no husband to satisfy her? She only seeks to appease the desires that consume her like an internal fire; and she has recourse to the means nature has furnished her; what can be less criminal?
Notwithstanding the little secrets I had kept from Father Jerome, I was somewhat affected. Was it penitence? No. The real cause was that he had refused me absolution; and, fearing that it might give rise to further calumny, I could not refrain from tears. I dreaded to show myself to my enemies, lest my confusion should give them a new cause to triumph, so I went and placed myself at a desk before the altar; and my grief soon sent me to sleep. I fell into the most agreeable dream imaginable. I thought I was with Verland, who held me in his arms and pressed me with his thighs. I opened mine, and yielded to all his motions. With what transport he handled and kissed my bubbles! I wakened with the very excess of pleasure, and… I found myself actually in a man's arms. Still all occupied with my delightful dream, I thought my good fortune had changed the illusion into reality. I believed myself with my lover, but it was not he who held me so closely embraced from behind.
When I opened my eyes I was so overcome with pleasure that I had not strength enough to look round to see who held me; but I felt myself wetted with a warm liquor, and something hard and hot was every moment pushed against me, accompanied with sighs. I also sighed and felt a similar liquor escape from myself with inexpressible pleasure, till I fell motionless on the hassock. This pleasure, if durable, would be a thousand times more exquisite than that of heaven; but alas! It is soon over! I was seized with terror at the thought of being alone at night in the church with a person I did not know. I dared not ask his name, nor even stir, but trembled excessively. And my fright was increased when he took my hand and kissed it. I was too much alarmed to withdraw it, but was somewhat assured on hearing the words: “Don't be afraid; it is me.” As I had some recollection of having heard the voice before, I gradually recovered my self-possession, and asked, who it was without attempting to look.- “Oh it's Martin, Father Jerome's servant,” was the reply. When I heard this, all my apprehensions were removed, and I looked up and recognized him. Martin was a lively handsome young man, of rather a fair complexion, and not a little amorous. Trembling in his turn, he waited for my answer to decide whether he should kiss me again or leave me. I did not reply, but looked at him with a smiling countenance, my eyes still sparkling with the pleasure I had so recently experienced. Seeing very well that I was far from angry, he passionately threw himself into my arms; I received him in like manner, without once thinking that, if my absence was observed in the convent, somebody might come and find us thus together… Must I tell you? Love is an excuse for everything. Without respecting the altar, on the steps of which we then were, Martin made me lean backwards a little, lifted up my clothes, and felt all over me with his hand. I was not less backward than he, but immediately laid hold of his engine-the first time in my life I had the happiness of handling one. Oh! How pretty was his! Little, but long, just such as I required. What a flame, what a piquant voluptuousness instantly shot through my body! I could not speak, but I squeezed the dear tool in my hand; I looked at it, fondled it, put it against my bosom, then to my mouth; I sucked, and would fain have swallowed it. Martin had his finger in my slit, and moved it gently backwards and forwards, increasing my pleasure every moment. He kissed me all over, face, belly, and thighs, not forgetting the grand centre of attraction. I could no longer resist the attacks of passion; I fell gently backwards, drawing him after me with my right arm, with which I closely embraced him. I kissed his mouth, and, at the same time, holding the object of my heart's desire in my left hand, endeavored to introduce it into its proper place, so as to procure a more solid pleasure.-Equally transported, he lay down on me, and began to push.
“Stop,” said I to him, in a voice interrupted by sighs; “stop, my dear Martin, not so fast; wait a moment.” I then immediately slipped my legs from under him, and threw them over his back, holding him between my thighs. Thus we lay belly to belly, breast to breast, mouth to mouth, and mingled our sighs together. Oh! what a delightful situation! I thought of nothing in the world, not even of the pleasure I felt; it was quite enough to feel it without reflecting thereon. Impatience prevented me enjoying it longer; I moved, Martin did so too, and our happiness vanished, but before losing it, we felt how great it was; it seemed to have collected all its most exquisite charms to overwhelm us at once. We remained in a state of insensibility, only at intervals pressing each other closer-but it was all over with us for that time.
It is now time, my dear Susan, to inform you what the holy water was with which Father Jerome one day sprinkled your bosom.
My first action, after Martin left my arms, was to put my hand where I had received such a powerful attack. Inside and out. it was covered with that liquor, the emission of which had given us so great pleasure, but it was quite cold when I felt of it. It was spunk; for that is the name of the thick white matter which escapes from the organs of love when we spend. This discharge is the consequence of the voluptuous frictions which precede it.
“What!” said Susan to the Sister, “was that spunk that you discharged just now?”-“Yes, indeed it was,” said she; “and you, little slut that you are, gave me some also. Did not you feel your little cunny all wet?- that was the same. But, my darling, the enjoyment you experienced is incomparably less than what one has with a man; for that which he gives, mixing with ours, creates such delicious sensations-that I cannot describe them. So I will continue my story.”
I was finely crumpled, as you may imagine, after the amorous exercise I had just gone through; however, I arranged all my things as well as I could, and asked Martin what o'clock it was.-“Oh, 'tis not late,” said he, “I heard the supper bell a minute ago.”-“I can do very well without supper,” said I, “and will go to bed directly. But, before we part, tell me, dear Martin, by what chance you came here and how you dared to come.”
“Oh, I am not over timid, and care little for consequences; but the cause of my presence here was this-I came to dress out the church, (tomorrow, you know, is a holy day). I saw you; and said to myself: There's a good girl that says her prayers well. By jingo! She must be confoundedly devout to come to the church at this time of night while all the rest are eating! But when I saw that you stirred neither hand nor foot, I thought you must be asleep; and when I came nearer I found that you were so. I stood a minute or two looking at you, and my heart began to go tick-a-tick. The devil is wondrous cunning: 'Martin,' whispered he in my ear, 'don't you see that she is very pretty? What a glorious chance for you! If you neglect it, you'll never find such another: bethink yourself, Martin!'-I took his hint without waiting a moment. I lifted up your collar very gently, and saw two beautiful white bubbies, which I touched with my hands and, what is more, kissed them. Seeing then that you continued to sleep like a top, I had a good mind to do something else-and I boldly proceeded to turn up your petticoats behind, and began to push and-you know the rest.”
Although he told me all this in the coarse language of his village, I was delighted with his candor and simplicity.-“Very good, my dear friend.” said I; “and how have you enjoyed it?”-“Oh, by Jupiter, so much that I am ready to begin again, if you are willing.”-“No, not now,” said I; “perhaps we may be discovered; but as you have the key to the church, you can come again tomorrow night; leave the door open, and I will join you. Do you understand?”-“Yes, perfectly; and then we will amuse ourselves to our heart's content, without any fear of being interrupted at that hour.”-I assured him that I would be there. Reflection made me oppose my own inclination and the entreaties of Martin, who was very anxious to have another little go before were separated. My refusal would have sadly grieved him, had it not been for the hopes of the morrow. After we had embraced each other, I entered the convent, and succeeded in reaching my chamber without being perceived.
You will readily suppose that I was impatient to examine myself to see what effects the violent assaults of Martin had produced; as I felt a sharp pricking sensation, and could not walk without difficulty. I procured a light, and drew the curtains very carefully to prevent my being seen; then sitting down in a chair, I placed one foot on the bed and the other on the floor, and began my scrutiny. What was my surprise on discovering that the lips, which before were so firm and plump, had become soft and wrinkled. The hair which covered them, though not yet quite dry, was in a thousand little curls. The inside was of a bright red, inflamed, and excessively tender. It itched, but when I touched it with my finger, the pain compelled me to desist. I rubbed myself against the arms of my chair, and covered them with the proofs of Martin's vigor. Pleasure contested with fatigue, but my eyes became gradually heavier till I was obliged to undress and lie down; when I soon fell into a sound sleep
