capers and another of anchovies (bought for a dinner party), Tabasco, Yakult and Red Bull. Of course, there’s the foundation bottle of champagne, but even I don’t like drinking Veuve Clicquot alone. Instead I defrost things unsavoury. Cardboard food from cardboard boxes – singleton’s food.
I can hear some kids playing in the nearby park. As far as I can tell the objective of the game is to see who can produce the most piercing scream. Very entertaining, if you’re eight. I wonder what Charlotte and Lucy are up to? An aeroplane passes overhead. In the mid-distance I can hear the intermittent hum of an articulated truck whizz from factory to storage warehouse. I’m depressed. I must be. The truck seems poignant. I look around for a vessel to use as an ashtray. All the ashtrays, saucers, teacups, plant pots that are in spitting distance of my sofa are full to overflowing with ash already.
Whilst me-time is all very educative, the most overwhelming lesson appears to be that I’m pretty miserable company. Even the fact that Saturday’s show was a corker, and the scheduling department have already rung to tell me we’ve reached 10.4 million viewers, fails to cheer me. The worst of it is, I’m not entirely alone.
As I move around my home I see Darren sprawled out on his stomach reading the Sunday papers, or I find him squeezing oranges in my kitchen, or I bump into him coming out of the shower. Naked and powerful with a white towel round his hips and water drops dripping from his hair to the carpet. But the carpet is never wet because he’s only in my head and he’s never in my bed.
I remember Darren first coming into my flat.
‘Nice pad. Did you buy it lock, stock and barrel from a style magazine?’ He’d grinned and turned to kiss me. I flung my coat on the back of my settee, not bothering to hang it in the cupboard. I kissed him back and didn’t take offence.
‘Funny. Issie thinks this place is impersonal, too. I think it’s anything but. I bought an empty shell and built my apartment from scratch. What could be more personal?’
Darren wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. I breathed him in. I was shaking with the newness of it all. It was new that I was talking this way. It was new that a man was in my home and I was sharing my life, even for a week.
I stare at the windowpane, concentrating on the raindrop race, which Darren taught me. The idea is you choose a raindrop and the other person chooses another raindrop, both roughly at the same height and ideally at the top of the window. The winner is the one whose drop reaches the bottom of the window first. I win. Naturally – I’m the only one playing. I can’t think of anything to amuse, charm or hearten me. Not even the fact that Josh’s girlfriend will be having an even more shit time than I am. This just proves my theory about the insanity of getting involved. I pray Josh will call me soon with a debrief – I need a distraction.
I decide to replace the catchy tune of my clunking radiators and purring fridge. I force myself out of my cosy window seat and examine my cassette and CD collection. Uninvited, the memory of Darren discovering my CD collection barges into my head.
‘You put some music on whilst I pour some drinks,’ I’d instructed, moving towards the wine rack.
‘Interesting music collection,’ he commented.
‘Normally described as eclectic. It’s a testimony to ex-shags.’
‘Ah, I see.’ And he probably did, because I believe that he understood me entirely, past and present. Which is my problem.
‘The Smiths and the Cure represent your adolescent angst years.’
‘Correct. Actually I was an extremely buoyant adolescent but my lover was an anger ball so I faked an avid interest. Red or white?’ I held up both bottles, trying to ignore my own last sentence. I realized that by faking an avid interest I’d set a pattern for a lifetime.
‘Red. Something full-bodied, if you have it.’
It impressed me that Darren managed to politely knock back the plonk in Whitby without showing any snobbery or distaste when he obviously knows what he likes when it comes to wine. Maybe it was a mistake to make such a fuss about drinking Blue Nun, especially when Mrs Smith had bought it just for me. Not that it matters. None of it matters.
It still gnaws.
‘And I take it that Lloyd Cole, Tom Waits, Lou Reed, Pet Shop Boys and Scott Walker are attributable to your student years?’
‘Spot on. Phil, Paul, Iain, Greg and, er, Mark respectively.’
I poured the wine and handed it to him. As I re-enact this scene I use a coffee mug, which is pretty inadequate.
‘Your music tastes are certainly wide and varied. REM, Blur, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Ruben Gonzalez.’ Darren sipped the wine and smiled at me. The smile then, as now, hit directly in my chest, exploded and hurled shrapnel to my throat, back of knees and knickers. I’d never felt so fine. I hurt all over.
‘Not my taste in music but in men. Those CDs are credited to Nathan, Andy, Tom, Dave.
‘The Judds!?’ Raised eyebrow.
‘I know – awful, isn’t it? Peter. Take heart, his appalling musical taste was compensated by his expertise in the sack. At the time I’d even have forgiven white socks.’
‘I can’t take heart. I’m jealous of every last one of them.’ He turned and kissed me ferociously, nearly causing me to spill my wine. He began to unbutton my shirt. His fingers teased my skin. First my collarbone, then trailing past my breast, threading down to my stomach.
I absolutely force myself back to the present.
It’s bleak. I thought I knew all there was to know about loss, but not having Darren in my life is so vile and final that I wonder how I get up in the mornings. I feel like Dorothy on rewind. Instead of hitting the yellow brick road and finding myself in Technicolor Oz, I’ve been shoved into a monotone existence. I don’t enjoy parties, or bars, or clubs. I don’t like being with people, I loathe being alone. I don’t zing, I don’t sparkle. I don’t slice with my tongue. Even work seems lacklustre. I wonder how I ever thought this life was fulfilling, let alone exhilarating. Life now sags around me. I’m nauseous with loneliness. It engulfs me.
I wish I’d never met him.
I don’t mean that. I hate myself for being so disloyal. I know that I would do it all again. I’d still get on that train. It was already too late the moment I collided into his eyes in the interview room. I’d thought I was so damn smart. So elite. So untouchable. Yet whilst it hurts that only his ghost – and not his irresistible self – is in my sitting-room, him in my towelling dressing gown, me in his jumper, both of us soaked in love and cum – I know I am still in control.
Oh, only just, I admit that.
I left
Only I know that.
The phone rings, breaking the sound of being alone. I pounce on it. It’s Josh. I know this before I pick it up.
‘How’d it go?’ I’m ridiculously interested, as I’m desperate to break myself out of my own indulgent apathy.
‘Awful,’ he groans.
‘Mmm.’ I sound sympathetic because I am. ‘Did she take it very badly?’
‘She cried.’ Most of Josh is upset but a tiny bit of him is triumphant.
‘Mmm.’
‘It’s worse doing the dumping than being the dumpee.’ I doubt he means this.
‘I wouldn’t know,’ I remind him.
‘No, of course not. You’ve never been dumped.’
‘What is the point of sticking around long enough to get your heart broken?’ I challenge, more cheerfully than honestly. I want this conversation to have away from me. Strangely I haven’t been honest with Josh about my feelings for Darren. Josh assumes Darren was another brief and unimportant encounter. I can’t tell him how I feel because saying it aloud makes it more real. I must bury my feelings for Darren. I must.
‘What did you tell her?’
‘Oh, you know, the usual stuff.’
‘It’s just not right?’
