Game Over

I realize I’m grateful to be asked and I slip into child mode, hoping that surrogate Mum and Dad can sort things out for me. There’s only Issie and Josh, in the entire world, who I let see me when I feel vulnerable or down.

‘It’s work,’ I whine.

‘Naturally. We never expect you to say it’s man trouble,’ comments Josh. I don’t have man trouble – that’s the advantage of seeing them as sex objects rather than soul mates.

‘The channel’s viewing figures are down for the twelfth week in a row. It’s serious. Bale’s talking redundancies. Problem is we haven’t got a hero show. We haven’t even got a strong soap.’

‘What about Teddington Crescent?’ Issie is as intimate with my programming schedule as I am.

‘The lives and loves of the inhabitants of Milton Keynes don’t have what it takes to knock Come or Brookie off their spots. We haven’t got a principal game show, or a lead chat show host. Poor ratings – that’s viewership,’ I translate, but it’s unnecessary as they are both educated in my media speak, ‘affect the advertisers we can draw. Without advertising money we can’t invest in cool shows. It’s a vicious circle.’ I pause. They don’t interrupt but allow me to find the words. ‘The worst of it is that Bale has made it into my problem.’ I check to see if they are as pissed off as I am. They both make an admirable job of looking horrified. Satisfied, I continue. ‘Despite his obscene pay cheque he has renounced all responsibility and said I have to come up with a winning idea. He’s—’

‘So rotten. He’s repellent, revolting, ridiculous,’ jokes Josh.

‘A plethora of R words.’ Issie grins and tries to get me to cheer up.

I scowl. ‘He’s a shit.’ I’m not going to allow them to brighten me out of my despair. ‘I’m scared.’

Everyone is silent. They know my job is my world. Josh sits down next to me and puts his arm round me.

‘I’m fucking scared,’ I say with unusual honesty.

‘I don’t see the problem. You’ll come up with the idea,’ he comforts. Normally I love his confidence in me but I shrug, because right now, I don’t think his confidence is founded. My head is aching. Everything’s fuzzy.

‘Maybe.’ I know that it is my problem and neither of them can really offer a solution, so I change the subject. ‘Did I get any post?’

‘Its on the mantelpiece.’

Two bills, council tax and water – marvellous. Three pieces of junk mail, all for pizza delivery services. I spy another heavy white envelope.

‘Hell, another wedding,’ I sigh. ‘It’s nearly September, for Christ’s sake. Haven’t these people any decency? Plaguing me throughout my autumn months as well as the summer.’ I’m only half kidding, but it’s great to see Issie look het up.

‘Who is it this time?’ she asks.

‘Jane Fischer is marrying Marcus Phillips,’ I read. ‘Have we met him?’

‘Yup,’ confirms Josh. ‘He was at Lesley and James’s wedding last week. He was an usher. The blonde one, with the red waistcoat. Jane wasn’t there – some prior commitment, probably another wedding.’

Issie and I freeze.

‘Bastard,’ we assert in unison.

I pass Issie the invite so she can see the betrayal for herself. Issie fingers the white card, caressing the embossing, and sighs. It’s not turning out to be a good day for either of us.

‘That explains the reluctance to give a real telephone number.’

‘Will either of you marry me?’ asks Josh, realizing that Issie’s had a disappointment but not knowing the exact nature.

‘No,’ I say.

‘Yes,’ says Issie, ‘but only for the dress.’

We all laugh. We’ve run through this routine zillions of times. When we graduated Josh promised to marry whichever one of us wasn’t married by the time we were twenty-five. Twenty-five came and went. None of us had managed to find a life partner but we were forced to admit that, at that precise moment in time, we didn’t fancy each other. We decided not to go ahead but put the deal back to when we hit thirty, assuming that we’d be so desperate by then we’d all be less fastidious. Thirtieth parties came and went, but Josh said he couldn’t choose between us and as bigamy is an offence, punishable in the highest courts in the land, we all agreed to think about it again in the year 2005. However, Josh does regularly ask us to marry him, just so we feel good about ourselves. He often tries to coincide it with our menstrual cycles, which with the passing of time he has reluctantly become intimate with.

‘Can you believe that Marcus guy slept with me just days before he sent out invites to his wedding?’

‘Yes,’ I reply.

She scowls and mutters, ‘Well, of course you only expect the worst from people,’ she grumbles. ‘Can you believe it?’ Issie turns to Josh. It’s an annoying habit of hers to think that there is a male and a female point of view on these things. She often dismisses my point of view and turns to Josh ‘because he’s a man and he knows how men think’. Invariably Josh agrees with me.

‘It’s commonplace. The last fling and all that,’ says Josh, and although I know that what he is saying upsets Issie I feel vindicated. ‘I make a conscious effort to look up ex-girlfriends just before they get married, on the grounds that I might exploit the last fling thing,’ he adds.

‘Do you?’ cries Issie, horrified.

‘Do you?’ I say, and once again my respect for him is renewed. Josh tries to settle his face in an expression that will please both of us, a subtle mix between contrition and pride. He gives up and ends up just grinning at me.

‘Tell me,’ I beg. Josh is a wonderful friend and I love him for very many reasons and one of them is that he’s unscrupulous and we can share tactics.

‘It never fails. It’s the combination of the near-legalized indiscretion. Women figure that once they’ve slept with you, they might as well sleep with you again.’ I raise my eyebrows. Personally I’m not too fond of repeat performances – they give the wrong message. Josh catches my glance and understands my scepticism.

‘I’m generalizing,’ he explains. ‘Normal women. Everyone wants a final fling but a safe final fling. The ex is that. It’s worked for me on several occasions. One last night of unbridled passion but without the complications that Marcus risked by starting up a new liaison.’ Issie scowls. Josh shrugs apologetically. But what can he do? He’s spent years apologizing to Issie for his half of the human race, but really it’s not his fault. Now he simply shrugs off her disappointments.

‘That’s it! That’s it! Genius,’ I congratulate. ‘You are a genius.’ I cry and hug Josh. Josh happily accepts my hugs but he hasn’t got a clue why I’m so excited. ‘That’s the idea for the fucking amazing ratings-rocketing programme. A Blind Date meets The Truman Show.’

‘What?’ asks Josh. Issie simply stares; she rarely expects to follow my devious mind.

‘A fly-on-the-wall plus. We get couples, the week before their wedding, to come on to the show and tell us all about why they are getting married.’ I rush to explain but my tongue can’t keep up with my grey matter and I doubt I’m making sense. ‘Loads of sucker stuff about how they knew from the moment they saw each other and how there could never be anyone else for them. Then we find out which one of them is gagging for a bit of extra- curricular—’

‘But—’ Issie tries to interrupt me.

‘There will be one,’ assure forcefully. ‘Then we manoeuvre a meeting between that party and an ex. Then we let nature take its course.’

‘Will it work?’

‘Of course it will work. There is nothing more seductive than an ex.’

Issie eyes me sceptically.

‘Except perhaps Gucci,’ I concede. I’m thrilled.’ It has everything! Voyeurism, trivialization of sex, manipulation.’

‘It’s a terrible idea,’ shouts Issie.

I’m genuinely bewildered. ‘It’s brilliant.’

‘It’s the principle I object to,’ she adds.