Dhalgren

isn't my name. I don't remember my God-damn name.'

The turning halted.

'That's like being crazy. I forget lots of other things. Too. What do you think about that: ' and didn't know how he would have interpreted his falling inflection either.

She said: 'I don't really know.'

He said, after the silent bridge: 'Well, you have to think something!'

She reached into the coiled blanket and lifted out… the notebook? He recognized the charred cover.

Biting at her lip, she began ruffling pages. Suddenly she stopped, handed it to him—'Are any of these names yours?'

The list, neatly printed in ballpoint, filled two columns:

Geoff Rivers      Arthur Pearson

Kit Darkfeather      Earlton Rudolph

David Wise      Phillip Edwards

Michael Roberts      Virginia Colson

Jerry Shank      Hank Kaiser

Frank Yoshikami      Garry Disch

Harold Redwing      Alvin Fischer

Madeleine Terry      Susan Morgan

Priscilla Meyer      William Dhalgren

George Newman      Peter Weldon

Ann Harrison      Linda Evers

Thomas Sask      Preston Smith

'What is this shit?' he asked, distressed. 'It says Kit, with that Indian last name.'

'Is that your name after all?'

'No. No, it's not my name.'

'You look like you could be part Indian.'

'My mother was a God-damn Indian. Not my father. It isn't my name.' He looked back at the paper. 'Your name's on here.'

'No.'

'Colson!'

'My last name. But my first name's Lanya, not Virginia.'

'You got anybody in your family named Virginia?'

'I used to have a great aunt Virgilia. Really. She lived in Washington D.C. and I only met her once when I was seven or eight. Can you remember the names of anybody else in your family? Your father's?'

'No.'

'Your mother's?'

'…what they look like but… that's all.'

'Sisters or brothers?'

'…didn't have any.'

After silence he shook his head.

She shrugged.

He closed the book and searched for speech: 'Let's pretend—' and wondered what was in the block of writing below the lists—'that we're in a city, an abandoned city. It's burning, see. All the power's out. They can't get television cameras and radios in here, right? So everybody outside's forgotten about it. No word comes out. No word comes in. We'll pretend it's all covered with smoke, okay? But now you can't even seen the fire.'

'Just the smoke,' she said. 'Let's pretend—'

He blinked.

'— you and I are sitting in a grey park on a grey day in a grey city.' She frowned at the sky. 'A perfectly ordinary city. The air pollution is terrible here.' She smiled. 'I like grey days, days like this, days without shadows—' Then she saw he had jabbed his orchid against the log.

Pinioned to the bark, his fist shook among the blades.

She was on her knees beside him: 'I'll tell you what let's do. Let's take that off!' She tugged at the wrist snap. His arm shook in her fingers. 'Here.' Then his hand was free.

He was breathing hard. 'That's—' he looked at the weapon still fixed by three points—'a pretty wicked thing. Leave it the fuck alone.'

'It's a tool,' she said. 'You may need it. Just know when to use it.' She was rubbing his hand.

His heart was slowing. He took another, very deep breath. 'You ought to be afraid of me, you know?'

She blinked. 'I am.' And sat back on her heels. 'But I want to try out some things I'm afraid of. That's the only reason to be here. What,' she asked, 'happened to you just then?'

'Huh?'

She put three fingers on his forehead, then showed him the glistening pads. 'You're sweating.'

'I was… very happy all of a sudden.'

She frowned. 'I thought you were scared to death!'

He cleared his throat, tried to smile. 'It was like… well, suddenly being very happy. I was happy when I walked into the park. And then all of a sudden it just…' He was rubbing her hand back.

'Okay.' She laughed. 'That sounds good.'

His jaw was clamped. He let it loosen, and grunted: 'Who… what kind of a person are you?'

Her face opened, with both surprise and chagrin: 'Let's see. Brilliant, charming — eight— four pounds away from being stunningly gorgeous … I like to tell myself; family's got all sorts of money and social connections. But I'm rebeling against all that right now:'

'Okay.'

Her face was squarish, small, not gorgeous at all, and it was nice too.

'That sounds accurate.'

The humor left it and there was only surprise. 'You believe me? You're a doll!' She kissed him, suddenly, on the nose, didn't look embarrassed, exactly; rather as though she were timing some important gesture:

Which was to pick up her harmonica and hail notes in his face. They both laughed (he was astonished beneath the laughter and suspected it showed) while she said: 'Let's walk.'

'Your blanket…?'

'Leave it here.'

He carried the notebook. They flailed through the leaves, jogging. At the path he stopped and looked down at his hip. 'Uhh…?'

She looked over.

'Do you,' he asked slowly, 'remember my picking up the orchid and putting it on my belt here?'

'I put it on there.' She thumbed some blemish on the harmonica. 'You were going to leave it behind, so I stuck a blade through your belt loop. Really. It can be dangerous around here.'

Mouth slightly open, he nodded as, side by side, they gained the shadowless paths.

He said: 'You stuck it there.' Somewhere a breeze, without force, made its easy way in the green. He was aware of the smoky odor about them for two breaths before it faded with inattention. 'All by yourself, you just found those people in the park?'

She gave him a You-must-be-out-of-your-mind look. 'I came in with quite a party, actually. Fun; but after a couple of days they were getting in the way. I mean it's nice to have a car. But if you're rendered helpless by lack of gasoline…' She shrugged. 'Before we got here, Phil and I were taking bets whether this place really existed or not.' Her sudden and surprising smile was all eyes and very little mouth. 'I won. I stayed with the group I came in with a while. Then I cut them loose. A few nights with Milly, John, and the rest. Then I've been off having adventures — until a few nights ago, when I came back.'

Thinking: Oh—'You had some money when you got here?' — Phil.