the power to save her, so I didn't even try. And she came to harm because of my reluctance, my stupidity.'
I didn't argue with him about the stupidity part, Ancestors forgive me. I did wonder, Why didn't you come back for us? Back for her?
But I didn't dare ask her khan that, and I couldn't ask Tegus. The song of the fire's snaps seemed a bit sadder now, as though it realized it was dying and was sorry to go.
Behind us, Batu stirred in his sleep, and at the same time Tegus and I both placed a hand on the war chief's arm. Tegus smiled at me when he saw that my instinct to comfort had been the same as his, and he didn't withdraw.
The moment made me imagine how her khan will be as a father, how he'll sit up at night and hold his wife's hand and talk to her as she rocks the baby to sleep.
Saren could only be happy with such a man. He said he was in love with her. I am her maid. I must do what I can.
Day 115
Today I managed to get my half day free during Saren's time off. We walked through the streets where folk who escaped from Titor's Garden and Goda's Second Gift pitch tents and sleep on doorsteps. Saren kept her arm in mine, leaning as if she needed the support, all that air and sky making her feel unsteady.
'I've spent some time with your khan, my lady, and I know he's a good man. He's safe.' It was hard not to laugh outright as I added, 'He's not plotting to kill you with arrows and knives.'
She frowned but didn't argue, so I went on.
'I'm going to say something that you may not want to hear--being in the tower did you harm, made you believe things that just aren't real. I'm sorry it's so, but it's true.'
'I know,' she said, really quiet, but she still said it.
'So you need to trust me, my lady, when I tell you that Khan Tegus is safe. He'll take care of you.
He was very much in love with you, and still is, despite his engagement. Though it's been years, my lady, he remembers you with sighs.'
'He does?' She breathed in as she asked it.
'Oh yes. He still remembers the words of your letters, and I think he holds the image of your face in his heart.'
She seemed confused, or maybe she was just thinking. With my lady, both attitudes appear the same. But she wasn't arguing, which was more than I'd hoped for.
'He's engaged,' I admitted, 'and that's another matter. But if he still loves you, and he promised himself to you first, then Lady Vachir can have nothing to say. There is a risk, but how can we keep living in his very house and not let him know?'
She stopped walking. Her face was fully in the sun, and I noticed how pale she was, how little she must leave the kitchens, how she's still bricked up in the tower. Her eyes spoke it most of all -- dull, never looking far ahead.
But... but he didn't come back.'
I had no answer for that. 'I don't know why, but I do know his heart was broken, and you have the power to heal him. How can you not?'
'I can't just go to him, claiming to be Lady Saren.'
'But you are
Lady Saren.'
She looked at her hands. The wash water had done its damage--fingertips splitting, palms callused and bruised, skin mottled red almost as dark as my own birthmarks. Didn't I once take an oath to keep her hands beautiful? My heart turned, and if we hadn't been standing in the street, I would've knelt before her and begged forgiveness. Instead, I took her worn hands and kissed each one.
'How I've failed you, my lady. I will help you. I'll do whatever you ask to set you back in your place again.'
She wrinkled her brow, thinking hard for a few moments, then said, 'Pretend to be me, Dashti. Say you're me.
Find out what he'd do, how he'd react, and if it's favorable, then I'll tell all.'
'My lady, it was one thing in the tower when he couldn't see my face --'
'He won't know me by sight.'
'It's been years, I know, but still...' My face. My blotchy face and arm, my dull hair, my solid mucker body, my everything that isn't like my lady.
'You swore an oath,' she said.
And so I had. Oath breakers will find no haven in the Ancestors' Realm where my mama waits. And besides, it's not fair to ask my lady to risk her life against Lady Vachir's wrath. I am her maid. It should be my duty to keep her from harm and face it myself. But to pretend to be Lady Saren again, and this time not hidden in a dark tower but out under the Eternal Blue Sky....
My stomach's icy cold, and I don't feel like writing anymore. I'll sketch instead.
[Image: Picture of Two People Sitted by the Side of a Man Lying on Bed.]
Day 119
