I wasted three days worrying, praying for the lie I hadn't yet made, and imagining Tegus's face when I spoke the false words 'I'm Lady Saren.' Three days wasted, and my lady remains a scrubber indefinitely, because now her khan is gone.
His warriors marched today, sudden, like when the wind shifts from west to south. They left as soon as word came from Beloved of Ris--Khasar's armies are advancing on that realm.
Everyone thought Khasar would attack Song for Evela next because he proclaimed he'd have Tegus's title of khan for himself. It seems he isn't coming for it yet, instead striking at the weaker realm first.
We may not hear news for days and weeks. I feel set to cry and kick and curse.
There's not as much scribe work now while the khan is absent, so I volunteered to go back to the kitchens. I don't mind leaving my little room so much. Privacy begins to feel somewhat like loneliness.
Day 122
No news of her khan. It's getting cold at night. I wonder if he has enough blankets.
Day 125
Still no news. I feel dog-crazy, as if I'd like to bite someone. This kitchen smells.
Day 126
Mama would scold me. All I seem to do is mope, mope, mope. No one has enough news for me. Osol set to winking at me again, but I'm all worry with no space left to sigh for a cutter boy. I wash rags as if I held Lord Khasar's neck in my hands. I scrub pots as though the faster they're clean the sooner the war will be done. Cook declared at the rate I was going I'd soon have her position. Then she laughed. Scrubber is the lowest position in the kitchens, of course.
'I'm a scribe,' I said.
She laughed again.
And while I mope, my lady scowls.
'You swore an oath,' she whispered at me while we scrubbed. 'And then you didn't do it.'
I washed my next pot a little harder.
Day 127
I can't believe... the news is too big to write, I can't make my letters large enough to contain what I have to say.
But I must say it somehow.
He's alive! He's here, he's strong and pretty as ever he was, and purring like to shake the house down.
My Lord the cat, my beautiful cat.
He must've escaped the wolf, must've scratched that demon's eyes and run straight home. In the way he used to know when it was morning though the tower was all darkness, he must've known how to find the land of her khan again. Cats are wise like that. They have a shaman's eyes.
Today was my half day free, and I went to visit Mucker in the stable, only he was out pulling a cart. So I just wandered, because the sun was pleasant and round above me and made my shadow look strong and straight. I was thinking how you can't tell if a person's beautiful or not by her shadow when I saw a gray tail disappear into the dairy.
He was gone so quickly I couldn't be sure, so I ran after him, slipped on some spilled milk, and slid under the dairyman's legs. He hollered at me and before he could kick me out, I blurted, 'Excuse me, but my cat came in here.'
My Lord the cat leaped up on a stall, balancing above our heads.
'And how am I to know that he's yours?' the dairyman asked.
Khan Tegus gave him to me,
I wanted to say, but of
course I couldn't. If I'd thought of a good lie, I would've spoken it just then and let the Ancestors strike me dumb, so desperately I wanted to hold My Lord again.
I'd started to stutter something when My Lord leaped down onto my shoulder and wrapped his tail around my neck, just as he used to do in the tower. The dairyman laughed.
'Looks like he's yours, right enough. Get him out of here, then.'
He remembers me. Don't these letters I'm writing fairly dance off the page? He's alive, and he remembers me!
These past days, it seemed I could scarcely draw breath for feeling so gray, and then today... well, the change makes me think about the sky over the steppes, cloudy one moment and Eternal Blue Sky the next. There's never a day that we don't see some blue sky. That's the way with a mucker's emotions, too. My mama used to say, 'Are you sad?
Then just wait a minute.'
Day 128
My Lord the cat slept beside me last night. I didn't wake up once.
Day 129
All the girls are utterly smitten with My Lord, of course. He sits on my shoulders, and they gather around and coo. Qacha can't help petting him whenever she passes by, even when her hands are sudsy. A wet coat puts My
