'No, I'd rather not have a maid. I'm fine.'
'Are you? Have you warmed back up again?' He rubbed my arms.
'Yes, I have. I'm fine, really. Actually, I'm wonderful.' Just then, I felt it.
'You are,' he agreed. Then he kissed me again, saying, 'Mmm,' as though my lips tasted better than candied fruit. 'Don't tell. The chiefs believe I won't see you until the wedding, and you know how rigorous those chiefs can be about tradition.'
He set me gently down, fetched me my canes, then ran off.
I came back to my room and sat alone. I can't go see my lady right now, not until I can stop crying.
Later
When I made my way to the kitchens, I passed by Lady Vachir's open door. Since travel in the winter is uncomfortable, even deadly, she's staying in the khan's house until spring, the thought of which makes me want to scratch the spider tickles off my back. She and all her maids stared at me as I passed by. I'm feeling like an antelope without a herd, with hunters riding down the hill.
Cook let me talk to Saren, saying, 'Yes, my lady,' and 'Certainly, my lady,' eyeing my new clothes as though the yellow brocade was fresh meat and she was starving. Saren and I sat in the empty sugar closet and I explained it all to her, as simply as I could.
'I did what you asked, I did my duty, and he's proved himself true to you. The chiefs ruled in your favor, Lady Vachir's betrothal is no more, and your wedding date is set. Now is the time to tell him who you are.'
She shook her head. 'You marry him as me first, then he won't be able to change his mind. Once he takes the vows for Lady Saren --'
'But I'm not Lady Saren!'
'You'll be acting as me. They'll understand.'
Ancestors, what have I done? I think I'd rather face Khasar again, naked on a winter battlefield, than marry Tegus as Lady Saren. Won't he feel betrayed? I wish I had someone to plead for advice, but I've sworn secrecy.
Besides, if any discover I've claimed nobility, they could hang me just like Osol. I think I know what Lady Vachir would do --something involving removing my intestines while I still breathed. I've seen her eyes. I think she'd take pleasure in it.
Here in my room, I fold myself toward the Sacred Mountain for hours, praying, praying. Meanwhile, her lord's house is aflutter with wedding preparations. The poor girls in the kitchen must be drowning in dirty pots.
Day 167
The answer occurred to me early in the morning. I have to leave. My lady doesn't know what it is she's asking me to do, and I can't make her understand. Ancestors forgive me, but I can't dress in a marriage deel and pretend to be Lady Saren, take the vows to love her khan, and then step back for my lady. I can't make that lie, and I can't watch what will happen next.
Tegus, I'm leaving this book behind for you, so you will know the why of it all, and maybe you'll forgive me, or maybe you'll think me false and reprehensible. You'd be justified. I couldn't stand the thought of your reading all my words unless I knew for certain that I'd never have to face you again, so please don't look for me. If you read the book in its entirety, you'll know for truth who is Lady Saren. And I guess you'll also know that I'm a silly girl who writes down every word you said to me.
Please, Tegus, dress Saren in blue silk and let her hands be beautiful again. I think you'll worry for me because it's winter and I don't have a gher, but I'm a mucker and I'll find a way. Thank you. Forgive me. Don't worry.
I'll leave tomorrow.
Day 169
I thought I'd never write in this book again. I'm in yet another new room, though this one has no window, this one has a door that locks. It's underground, but it smells like the tower, and that smell makes my stomach spin and my vision dim and my skin itch as if ghost spiders cover me, and I scratch and scratch here in the dark. I'll be hanging before the week is out. But I'm trying not to think about that.
Yesterday I was too slow leaving, and I can't blame it all on my ankle. Wiry didn't I just get out into the city as quickly as I could hobble? I'm such a fool. And yet mostly what I feel right now is sad, all-out-of-food sad, lonely sad, sorry sad. Shamed sad, and hoping never to have to look Khan Tegus in the face again. And yet every moment hoping that he'll open that door. Why is that?
Yesterday I crept from my room early in the morning. I put on the blue shirt Tegus returned to me, my old wool deel, sheepskin cloak, and boots, forgetting my gloves in my hurry. I left this book behind for Tegus. When I passed Lady Vachir's room, her door was open and she watched me walk by.
My thought was to join the refugees in the streets. If I took the seven years' vow of servitude, maybe someone would take me in. I hoped to find a family who planned to leave Song for Evela come spring so I could disappear from the city as soon as I might.
My mistake was stopping in the kitchen. I'd thought it too cruel not to explain things to Saren and say good- bye to Qacha and Gal. I found the two girls scrubbing pots, and I sneaked in to work beside them a last time, whispering as we washed.
'I can't tell you why I lied, but I think rumors will bring it to your ears soon enough.'
They didn't press, though they seemed sorry to have me go. I thought Qacha would miss me as much as I'd miss her, and poor Gal had heartbreak in her eyes.
'I liked thinking that you'd been gentry all along,' Gal said, 'that you were going to be the khan's bride. And if your story isn't true, then what about... well, how can anything impossible actually happen?'
I knew she was thinking of her family, if they were alive, if they would find their way to Song for Evela. I said,
