Out of Sight, Out of Mind

In Amanda's experience, in all honesty, she knew that even the most deeply flawed individuals had something of value about them. A complete social nerd might be a brain, an ugly guy could be a great athlete, and an enormously fat girl might have a nice singing voice. But Tracey Devon had absolutely nothing going for her.

She was thin-not in a top-model way, but so scrawny and bony that her elbows and knees looked abnormally large. No hips and, worse, no boobs.

She didn't shave her legs. The fact that she was blond and the hairs barely showed was beside the point. Every girl Amanda knew had started shaving her legs at the age of 11. Then there was the hair on her head-flat, stringy, and always looking in need of a wash. Her face was bland and colorless, she had no eyebrows to speak of, and her lips were so thin that she looked like she didn't have a mouth either. The best anyone could say about her face was that she didn't have zits-but she had enough freckles to make up for that.

As for her clothes, forget designer stuff--Tracey's outfits went beyond terrible. Mismatched tops and bottoms, puffed-sleeve dresses that looked like they were made for five-year-olds, shoes with laces, and ankle socks. Socks!

And that wasn't all. Tracey's special and unique ickiness went way beyond the surface. She walked around with her shoulders hunched and her head bowed. She talked in whispers-people could barely hear her, and when they did, she never seemed to say anything worth hearing. It was as if she wasn't even there, wherever she was.

But at that very moment she was definitely at their table, and Amanda stiffened. 'What do you want?' she demanded.

Tracey mumbled something, but the only word Amanda caught was Katie. She called to the other end of the table. 'Katie, your new best friend, Tracey Devon, needs to talk to you.'

Katie's brow furrowed. 'Who?'

'Tracey Devon! Are you blind? She's standing right here.'

Katie glanced vaguely at the unwelcome visitor. 'Oh, right. What do you want?'

Somehow, Tracey managed to make her request audible. 'Could I borrow your notes from yesterday?'

Katie still looked puzzled. 'Notes for what? Are you in one of my classes?'

'History,' Tracey's aid in a whisper.

'Oh yeah, right. Why do you need my notes?'

'I wasn't in class. I was sick.'

'Sick,' Amanda repeated. 'That's interesting. I didn't know ugliness was a disease.'

It wasn't one of her best wisecracks, but it got a response from Tracey. She raised her head just high enough for Amanda and the others to see the flush that crossed her face and the tears welling up in her eyes. Then she turned and scurried away.

'I just remembered-she's borrowed my notes before,' Katie remarked.

A flicker of concern crossed Britney's face. 'Is she sick a lot?'

Katie shrugged. 'Who knows? I never notice if she's there or not. It's like she's one of those people you don't see.' She took a bite of her sandwich, and the others followed.

But Amanda couldn't eat. She was too-too something. Angry? Maybe. Because it was so infuriating, the way Tracey was. It was her own fault that Amanda could mock her so easily. It was as though she wanted to be picked on. She didn't make the slightest effort to improve herself, and she just took Amanda's insults without making any attempt at retaliation. There were plenty of other creepy types at Meadowbrook, but at least they stood up for themselves. Like Jenna Kelley, the girl who dressed in black and had a terrible reputation. If you accused her of being a vampire, she'd tell you where to go. Why didn't Tracey ever fight back?

Amanda's friends had gone back to eating and chatting by now. Clearly, they'd forgotten all about Tracey's interruption. They probably considered Tracey beneath their contempt, not even worth an insult. Only Amanda was still seething.

She clenched her fists. Uh-oh! This wasn't good. She could feel her face getting warm and her heartbeat quickening. Too much feeling.

'I've got to get something from my locker,' she muttered to the others. Before anyone could respond, she turned and hurried to the exit. She didn't have a hall pass, and if a monitor spotted her, she could be hauled to the principal's office, but she had to risk it.

Luckily, she was able to make it to the end of the hall and down two flights of stairs to the school basement without being caught. There was a rarely used restroom there, and she ducked into it. Splashing some water onto her face, she gripped the sides of the sink, stared into the mirror, and concentrated on pushing any sympathy, any anger-any feelings at all for Tracey Devon-out of her mind.

Do not feel sorry for her, she ordered herself. She doesn't deserve any sympathy.

Actually, Amanda wouldn't have minded if someone wanted to take pity on Tracey Devon. But that someone could not be Amanda Beeson. She knew too well the terrible consequences of caring. And to make sure she remembered, she allowed the memories to play out in her head.

The very first time… she couldn't have been more than five. She saw herself on a cold winter afternoon, walking along a busy shopping street, clutching her mother's hand, and looking at the people they passed. One in particular grabbed her attention.

She was huddled in the entrance of an old abandoned building, her back against the boarded door. A bowl with a few coins in it lay beside her, and there was a hand-scrawled sign propped up against the wall. Wispy gray hair poked out of a dirty bandanna that was wrapped around her head. Her body was clothed in filthy rags, and even though Amanda wasn't close enough to smell her, she somehow knew that the woman exuded a nasty odor. And even though Amanda couldn't read the sign, she knew the woman was hungry.

Amanda's mother hadn't noticed her, but she had paused in front of the store window next to the building. Something in the display must have caught her eye, because she spent some time looking at it, which gave little Amanda more time to look at the poor woman.

Now, eight years later, Amanda could still remember how she had felt-sad, unbearably sad, sadder than she'd felt when her pet goldfish had died. Why did this woman have to sit there in the cold, all alone? Didn't she have any family? Didn't anyone love her? That poor woman! What was she feeling?

Then, suddenly, Amanda knew what the woman was feeling. Because she was the woman. Cold and hungry, and confused, too. And she was looking at a little girl-a pretty five- year-old, with long, glossy hair topped by a woolly hat. Sturdy, bright-eyed, and wrapped in a puffy jacket. Holding the hand of a well-dressed, elegant woman in a fur coat.

And if Amanda had turned into the old lady, who was the little girl staring at her?

Her mother spoke. 'Amanda, where are your gloves?'

'They're in my pocket,' the little girl replied in Amanda's very own voice.

'Put them on. It's getting cold,' her mother said.

'Okay.' She took her gloves out of her pocket and put them on, just as Amanda would have done. Amanda-the-old-lady was bewildered. So, she was here-and she was there. How could that be?

In the turmoil of her confused mind, there were feelings that stood out-envy, longing, loneliness. Oh, it was so awful being this woman that Amanda couldn't bear it!

It took only a jerk of her mother's hand to pull her back into herself. In the next moment, she was on a street corner at her mother's side, waiting for the light to change. She knew the sad woman was just behind her, but she didn't dare turn back to look.

The next time it happened, she was older-eight or nine. It must have been summertime, because she was in the backyard, wearing shorts and a halter-top, having a picnic with a couple of friends. From the house next door came the sound of two people shouting at each other. Amanda recognized the voices even before the man and woman emerged- Mr. Blakely first, followed by Mrs. Blakely. Amanda liked Mrs. Blakely-she had a little baby boy, and sometimes she let Amanda hold him. Mr. Blakely wasn't as friendly. Just then, Mr. Blakely looked very angry, and Mrs. Blakely looked scared. Then, to Amanda's horror, Mr. Blakely hit Mrs. Blakely-he slapped her right across the face-and Mrs. Blakely started to cry.

It was awful-Amanda had never seen an adult cry like that before. How could that mean Mr. Blakely do