By the time Ainsley’d scored his Dairy Queen happy meal-with a large diet pop for me-we were miles from Tom Jost’s place and I was deep into the newspaper’s phone system trying to hook up with a real, live Melton.
“
“Melton, my friend. You rolled over on me.”
“Umm…who is this?”
“You’re funny.” My day had not been very productive so far. Easy enough to punch a little Irish temper into the words. “This is Maddy O’Hara, Melton. Sheriff Curzon was at the station before I was this morning.”
“Uh-sorry about that.”
“What’d you do, draw him a map after you gave him my name? Whatever happened to protecting a source, Melton?”
“I figured you, well-” He squirmed. “I’m sorry, all right?”
“Yeah sure, because I got a great idea how you can make it up to me, Melton. I need some research help.”
“What kind of research?”
“Easy stuff. Everything you can find on a guy named Tom Jost-where he went to high school, adoption records, if he had a girlfriend, what he did on weekends besides whack off-”
Ainsley coughed his chocolate shake all over the steering wheel.
“It’s that dead Mennonite!” Melton’s lightbulb blinked on. “You got an ID?”
“Maybe. We think the guy was a public servant, a firefighter.”
“No way,” he said with glee. Salacious mysteries are meat and potatoes to reporters. “Where? What town?”
“Not sure. His apartment’s in Warrenville. One thing, Melton, everything stays out of the paper until after I air on Wednesday.” I heard a grumble. “Did I mention there’s a possibility of credit in this for you? National, on-air credit. ‘Research by.’ Look mighty sweet on your resume. Not that you deserve it after ratting me out to Curzon like that.”
“All right,” he whined. “Fine. I’ll try.”
“Great. Tomorrow morning good for you?”
“Jee-zus. Tomorrow? Tomorrow’s Saturday.”
“Don’t go getting religious on me yet, Melton. The fun’s just getting started.”
We agreed on an early afternoon deadline before he hung up.
Things were getting done. I was feeling good. “Next item on the agenda: expert head.”
Without looking up from my notes, I continued, “Get your mind out of the gutter, College. We need a specialist. A doctor. A psychologist. Someone we can get to say ‘autoerotic asphyxiation’ fast enough to work into a ten-second promo head-shot. That’s an expert head.”
“Right.” He sounded embarrassed.
The parking lot of the DQ was filling up. A couple of teenagers in a rusty Volvo circled for the third time, hungry for our parking place.
“Use your phone. Try the biggest hospital in the area. I’ll try the community college.”
Ainsley took his phone in one hand, chocolate shake in the other, and bounced his thigh against the steering wheel to the beat of oldies rock, while I entered my own phone purgatory. Pressing. Holding. Pressing. With my free hand, I dug through both gear bags and realized I was low on important stuff.
“You got any aspirin?” I asked.
College nodded toward the glove compartment. “We’ve got our choice,” he reported between phone-mail-to- live-human maneuvering. “Do we want an expert on suicide, an expert on sexual deviance or someone who studies Amish psychology?”
No question. “Sexual deviance.”
“Okay.” More conferring, then he says, “Guy’s out of town and won’t be back for a week.”
“Suicide?” I asked, hopefully.
“…Uh, that guy can only be reached on Mondays and Wednesdays. But she’d be happy to leave a message with the service,” Ainsley added.
“Shit.” No matter how much I tried to turn this into something that would look like ratings-happy TV, it seemed the Amish were my destiny. The sad thing was I found it pretty intriguing. “Amish psychology is our winner. But ask her to leave a message for the suicide guy, to be safe.”
After three and a half more minutes of listening to him try to pin down an appointment, I held out my hand. “Gimme the phone.”
“What?” he complained. “She keeps asking me to wait.”
The standard whiney operator came on the line. “Who you holding for?”
“This is Maddy O’Hara from WWST and I’m trying to reach the doctor for a television news interview.”
“An interview? On TV?”
“That’s right. We’d like to use the doctor in an investigative report we’re doing on a local public suicide.” I hit that detail hard. Nothing wins over a gatekeeper like a juicy nugget of gossip. “Unfortunately, I’m having trouble getting through to someone who can schedule us. Can you help?”
“Oh, I’m sorry you’ve had to wait. Hold just a moment.”
I had the doc on the line in under sixty and we were cleared to interview in less than that. Ainsley shook his head slowly, part admiration, part disgust.
“Dues you must pay,” I intoned in my best Yoda imitation. “Eat much shit, then you, too, can use the force over secretaries. Let’s go.”
We followed a major strip-mall route all the way to the western edge of the universe where the county hospital barely held the line on civilization. From what I’d heard, this hospital served a clientele that included everything from the average yuppie heart attack to the pavement drunk with a tire-track headache.
My sister worked there for years before she died. There.
I’m not fond of hospitals.
“Your aspirin bottle is empty, College.”
“It’s not mine. Somebody left it in there.”
“Right. Add this to your critical equipment list. Pain reliever-we don’t leave home without it. We should be stocking ibuprofen, extra-strength Tylenol and Tums, oh and breath mints-in the glove compartment. Got it?”
“Why?”
That got a laugh. I hope that’s why he asked.
It took us as long to park the van and wind our way through the Escher-like interior of the hospital as it had to drive to the edge of the county. Of course, I had no reason to complain. Ainsley did all the hauling. Our doctor’s office was tucked in a dead-end hallway. There were plastic chairs along the wall, a small side table and eight copies of the same 1998 issue of
The inner sanctum receptionist greeted us and buzzed the doctor.
“Ms. O’Hara? I’m Dr. Graham. Please come this way. We can talk in my office.”
Dr. Graham was in her late forties. She had a cap of silvery brown hair, thick wire-rim eyeglasses, and wore a shapeless sack dress, but she had a voice like an angel-resonant, modulated. Perfect V.O. material. She could sell anything in a voice-over.
She shook my hand, then Ainsley’s. “Please understand, Ms. O’Hara, most of my practice is family therapy. My qualifications as an ‘expert,’” she smiled as she drew little finger quotes in the air, “regarding Amish psychology are tenuous at best. If you want a referral, I can direct you to people in Pennsylvania and New York who are much more qualified.”
“Whatever you can tell us will be a great help, Doctor,” I said. “The hospital PR people told us it was your specialty.”
“I’ve done some research that involved Amish subjects. I organized several studies on the effects of family size on individuals and society. The Amish make an excellent reference group, very homogeneous.”
