It was like shaking hands with a dead person. I mean, someone who really was dead, only still walking around.
Which made no sense, since I was that person.
His fingers were warm, like mine. I knew he wasn’t dead. Not really. It was like something inside him had just… given up. Like with his battle over his hair with his dad. He’d just… surrendered, after all these years. He honestly didn’t care any more.
What was going on with him? What was wrong with him?
And how was I going to get close enough to him to find out, when I could barely get him to look at me to see that I was here, inside Nikki Howard?
I didn’t want to let go of his hand… and I didn’t think it was because of Nikki’s wantonness either. I mean, a hand is different than lips or a tongue. It just felt so good to be close to him again, to be in his presence, even if he didn’t know it was me.
But I knew I had to let go, because you can’t sit around in a computer lab holding hands with some guy you just met. Even if you were best friends with him in a past life, and you are a teenaged supermodel now.
So I dropped his hand… just a second after he tugged on it to release it from mine. Clearly he thought I was a crazy person. I half expected him to wipe his hand on his jeans. But he restrained himself.
‘So,’ I said, ducking to gather up my Marc Jacobs tote in an effort to hide my mortification. ‘I’m headed down to the cafeteria for lunch. Do you want to join me?’
I knew what he was going to say before he said it.
‘Uh, no, thanks,’ Christopher said, giving me a strange look. ‘But enjoy yourself. Stay away from the tuna salad.’
It was the first remotely humorous thing he’d said. I realized how much I’d missed his sarcastic remarks. Almost as much as I’d missed him.
‘Thanks,’ I said, with another smile.
But once again it seemed to have no effect on him. He returned to his computer screen, going back to Madden NFL without another word.
And I slunk from the lab, embarrassed, hurt… and more than a little confused.
‘Oh my God, there you are,’ Frida cried, rushing up to me in the hallway. ‘I’ve been waiting for, like, ever. Where were you?’
‘I went to see Christopher in the computer lab,’ I said. ‘I told you—’
‘God,’ Frida muttered. ‘Why are you hanging out with that geek when you could be with Gabriel Luna?’
‘Gabriel Luna thinks I’m a drug addict,’ I pointed out, remembering last night’s embarrassing social gaffe. Which are all I seem to have, apparently, where cute guys are concerned.
‘Well, whatever,’ Frida said, grabbing my arm. ‘Come on. I told everyone on the JV squad you were sitting with us at lunch today.’
‘And just how, exactly,’ I asked as she propelled me along, ‘are you and I supposed to have met, Frida, and become so chummy that I’m sitting with you at lunch now?’
‘We met outside the school on the steps this morning,’ Frida said. ‘Remember? Everybody saw us together.’
‘Great,’ I said, rolling my eyes. ‘Frida, what’s wrong with Christopher?’
‘He’s a freak,’ Frida said as she dragged me towards the cafeteria. ‘He always was. You’re just noticing it now because you’re finally normal.’
‘No, I mean… what happened to him? He’s… different. He doesn’t even like Journeyquest any more. He plays Madden NFL. Christopher hates sports. And he… I can’t really explain it. But it’s like he — I went in there to get an email address for Nikki, and he’d barely look at me.’
‘Oh, and I suppose you thought he’d be all over you,’ Frida said with a snort, ‘just because you’re Nikki Howard now.’
‘Well,’ I said. I didn’t want to sound snotty. But… ‘Yeah. I mean… he’s a guy, right? And guys are usually all over Nikki. Unless they’re gay. So what’s wrong with him?’
‘What do you want me to say, Em? I mean, Nikki. I told you, he’s been weird ever since you croaked. I mean, weirder than usual. I guess he was just always in love with you, but didn’t realize it until you were gone, and now that you’re dead, he’s wasting away. Is that what you want to hear?’ She flung a glance at me over her shoulder, saw my expression and let out a bark of laughter. ‘God! It is! Get over yourself. You can have any guy you want now. Why do you have to like the one guy who liked you better when you were just average, like the rest of us?’
We’d reached the cafeteria doors. Frida turned to confront me with her hands on her hips. I stared down at her with tear-filled eyes.
‘Oh my God, Frida,’ I said with a little sob. ‘Do… do you really think that’s it?’ Frida stared up at me. ‘Oh my God. You really like him, don’t you? Listen… How am I supposed to know? I’m just saying. It might make sense. But I could be totally wrong. Look, Christopher is the least of your problems right now. You are about to enter the Tribeca Alternative High School cafeteria. Only it’s a whole new ball game than it was a month ago. You’re hot now. Do you understand? You have got to get Christopher out of your head and put on your game face. You’re Nikki Howard, supermodel. Not Em Watts, weirdo. Got it?’
I nodded. But I wasn’t really listening. I kept thinking about what she’d said. Was it really possible? Could Christopher have realized, after I’d died, that he loved me? Was that why he didn’t want to play Journeyquest any more? Because it reminded him of me? Was that why he’d finally consented to cut his hair? Because nothing mattered to him any more, now that I was gone?
Oh God! That was the most romantic thing I’d ever heard!
But what was I going to do about it? How was I going to get Christopher interested in Nikki Howard if he was busy pining away for a dead girl? Who, by the way, happened to be me.
And, no offence, but you would have thought he’d have been a little nicer to me back when I’d been alive, if he’d been so madly in love with me.
But he’d never even so much as tried to kiss me.
Wait… maybe that’s what he was feeling so bad about!
Oh! That was even more romantic!
But before I had a chance to really digest that, Frida was yanking me on the arm and we were in the caff…
… where the volume of the conversation, already at an ear-splitting din, increased tenfold at the mere sight of me in the doorway.
‘There she is!’ The murmur rippled through the entire cafeteria.
And not just the Walking Dead were saying it. The geeks, the goths, the skaters, the druggies… all of them were saying it. ‘There she is!’
I felt myself turning red…
‘I don’t know about this, Free,’ I said as Frida herded me towards the hot-food line and thrust a tray into my hands.
‘Trust me,’ Frida said. ‘Even supermodels have to eat, don’t they?’
Maybe so. But it might have been easier simply to get something out of the vending machines down the hall, acid reflux or not. I was excruciatingly aware of being the centre of everyone’s attention as I made my way down the food line. My selections were buzzed about as if I’d been Tiger Woods, lining up a game-winning putt.
‘She’s going for the tofu patty,’ I heard them whispering. Then, seconds later, ‘An apple! She took an apple!’
I wanted to throw down my tray and run from the room — run out of the school and all the way back to the hospital and up to the fourth floor into Dr Holcombe’s office. ‘I need a new body! I can’t be in this one a second longer! I can’t be Nikki Howard! I just want to be someone normal!’
Instead, I stepped up to the cashier to pay for my food. Then I followed Frida to her table…
Where the entire junior-varsity cheerleading team was sitting. They all stopped talking as Frida and I approached. I fully expected them to say, ‘What are you doing, trying to sit at our table, loser? The geek table is over THERE.’
But I’d forgotten. I’m not Em Watts, geek, any more. I’m Nikki Howard.
