But, of course, I could tell Marleen nothing about the ZAP Project.
First of all, I was sworn to secrecy. And second, if I did tell her, I knew what her reaction would be, She'd be horrified and outraged that I had developed a product designed to increase aggression in a world already awash in violence.
So I sat in my den, the door locked, and bounced those darrmable white pills on my palm, reflecting they had the potential to utterly change my life. Whether for good or for evil I could not say.
But I knew I would soon find out.
I always had a very close relationship with my daughter Tania. I was thankful, and proud, that she treated me more as a peer than a mother.
She confided in me, asked my advice, and seemed genuinely interested in my work.
But recently I had noticed a kind of secretiveness in her behavior.
She wasn't as forthcoming as usual, and she seemed to be spending an inordinate amount of time with Chester Barrow.
'Tania,' I said to her, 'you have so many nice friends, but you've hardly seen any of them this summer.'
'Mostly they've been away,' she said. 'Like, on a trip with their parents. And Gloria Peretz went to tennis camp, and Marsha Gilcrest had her tonsils out. So not many of them have been around.'
'I'll bet you'll be happy when school starts, and then you'll see them all again.'
She didn't reply to that, and I let the matter drop. I wanted to mention that I thought she was, spending too much time with Chet Barrow, but if she was lonely during the day and he offered companionship, it seemed cruel to criticize.
Knowing what I know now, I realize I should have been more alert to her moods and resentments, no matter how fanciful. But to tell you the truth, I was so engrossed in my work at the lab that I neglected my duties as a mother. So part of what happened was undeniably my fault.
The development of Cuddle progressed faster than I had dared hope.
Because of my personal situation with Herman, I had decided to reconstitute the aroma so that men might find it attractive as a cologne or after-shave. This was a relatively simple task of replacing the lavender and floral essences with sprightlier scents such as citrus, pine, and peppermint.
The most difficult problem was increasing what we called the 'Projection' of the fragrance. There are perfumes, for instance, that simply don't 'carry', only the user is aware of the aroma, and a person standing quite close might not even be able to sniff it. Other perfumes, of course, project so powerfully that the smallest amount can fill an elevator.
After trying several different top notes, I came to the conclusion that for chemical reasons I could not understand, the oxytocin had a deadening effect on other scents. When I tried it on my wrist, I was certainly conscious of the aroma. But when I asked the opinion of my coworkers in the perfume lab, they could hardly believe I was wearing a scent.
But as a mood and behavior modifier, Cuddle exceeded all my expectations. Repeated trials on myself proved that it had a fantastic ability to make the user feel relaxed, almost languid.
More importantly, it increased sympathy for others, spurred a desire for loving togetherness, and heightened a sense of caring.
Darcy amp; Sons had asked Mcwhortle Laboratory to produce a new fragrance that would create a feeling of romance, intimacy, and warm understanding. I was certain Cuddle fulfilled those specifications and would be an enormous commercial success.
I was so proud of my triumph that I could not resist telling Greg Barrow what I had accomplished. We were driving home from the lab on the last day of August when I said, 'Greg, I have something wonderful to tell you. But you must promise to keep it absolutely confidential.' 'Of course,' he said.
Then I related the whole story, the assignment to develop Cuddle, my serendipitous discovery of an aerosolized form of oxytocin, and how I had succeeded in using the sex hormone in a perfume that had amazing effects on mood and behavior.
'Good effects,' I emphasized. 'Cuddle just makes you love the world and everyone in it.'
'Congratulations,' Greg said. 'it sounds like you've done an original and ingenious job.'
I was driving and couldn't turn to stare at him. 'I thought you'd be more excited,' I said.
I heard him draw a deep breath. 'Marleen, you deserve all the credit in the world. It was a creative idea. But I doubt very much if Cuddle can ever be marketed commercially.'
I was stunned. 'Why on earth not?' I demanded.
'The Food and Drug Administration,' he said. 'Can you really see them approving an over-the-counter product that contains a human sex hormone?
I can't. The FDA would demand years of tests.
And even if they eventually okayed it, I think there would be endless objections from consumer organizations. Look at the problems with getting the public to accept the growth hormone and genetic engineering.
You had a remarkable concept and achieved what you set out to do. But I suspect the client will reject it out of hand. It's just not a salable product.'
I knew at once that he was right, and I wondered how I could have been such a fool to think that Cuddle could ever be sold alongside Obsession, Passion, and Opium.
'Oh, God,' I said, 'what an idiot I've been! All those months of work wasted!'
'Not necessarily,' Greg said in his serious way. 'It's quite possible the aroma you have created might well find a use in psychotherapy. It would have to undergo rigorous testing, of course, but if it alters mood and behavior the way you describe, it could prove valuable in the treatment of, say, depression and suicidal tendencies. I certainly wouldn't junk it just because it'll never be a best-seller. It may turn out to be a very, very important discovery.
That made me feel a little better-but not much. suppose that in some crazy way I had envistoned Cuddle being easily available to everyone Greg had and making for a kinder, gentler world. brought me down from cuckoo-land. But I found reality depressing.
That night, alone in my bed, I was still dejected, still wondering how I could have been such a simp to think for a moment that a fragrance containing a sex hormone could be sold at perfume counters in department stores. I had just been carried away by a rosy vision, never stopping to consider its practicality.
But, dammit, I told myself, it was a good idea, an original idea, and I really had nothing to be ashamed of. I had worked hard, and I had suchad said, it was possible ceeded. And, as Greg that my formulation might be a big help in the treatment of behavioral problems and psychic disorders. After testing, of course. And I knew of one behavioral problem on which I was determined to do the testing myself. I after midnight.
Herman didn't return home until late. I heard him come stumbling up the stairs and slam his way into the guest bedroom, making no effort to avoid waking Tania or me. I listened to him preparing for bed, showering to remove the traces of his most recent infidelity, no doubt.
I had absolutely no qualms about what I intended to do. at the breakfast table, he The next morning, e was puffy, eyes looked like God's wrath. His fac bloodshot, and he was barely able to get a cup of, black coffee to his lips, his hands trembled so. But I made no comments on his appearance.
'Herm,' I said as casually as I could, 'I've been working on a new cologne for men at the lab, and I think I've finally got it right. I wish you'd try it and tell me what you think.'
He looked up at me dully. I frequently gave him samples of new colognes and after-shaves, as I did to Greg Barrow and other male neighbors, to test their reactions and hear their suggestions.
'Sure, lion,' Herman said. 'Leave it on the bathroom sink in the guest bedroom, and I'll give it a go. It's not flowery, is it?'
'Oh no,' I said. 'It's a real he-man's scent, spicy, minty, and very refreshing. I think you'll like it. The client wanted something different and powerful.
'Sounds good,' he said. 'What are they going to call it?'
'Stud,' I told him.
'Hey,' he said, perking up, 'that's for me.' know that? Like runirls can be bossy, you Gning away from home was my idea, I thought it up.
But then I told Tania Todd about it, and mean she was right away she was taking over. I going with me, told me what to pack, and even picked the day we were going to leave. Are all girls like that? of course, I admit she got
