Even so. The years that are left you are yours. If there's something you really want to do there's still time.
Miller, he said, almost woefully, there's no creative urge in me. All I ask is to get out the trap. I want to live again. I want to get back into the current. That's all.
What's stopping you?
Don't say that! Please don't say that! What's stopping me? Everything. My wife, my kids, my obligations. Myself, most of all. I've got too poor an opinion of myself.
I couldn't help smiling. Then, as if to myself, I replied:
Only we humans seem to have a low opinion of ourselves. Take a worm, for example—do you suppose a worm looks down on itself?
It's terrible to feel guilty, he said. And for what? What have I done?
It's what you haven't done, isn't it?
Yes, yes, of course.
Do you know what's more important than doing something?
No, said Reb.
Being yourself.
But if you're nothing?
Then be nothing. But be it absolutely.
That sounds crazy.
It is. That's why it's so sound.
Go on, he said, you make me feel good.
In wisdom is death, you've heard that, haven't you? Isn't it better to be a little meshuggah? Who worries about you? Only you. When you can't sit in the store any more, why don't you get up and take a walk? Or go to the movies? Close the shop, lock the door. A customer more or less won't make any difference in your life, will it? Enjoy yourself! Go fishing once in a while, even if you don't know how to fish. Or take your car and drive out into the country. Anywhere. Listen to the birds, bring home some flowers, or some, fresh oysters.
He was leaning forward, all ears, a broad smile stretched across his face.
Tell me more, he said. It sounds wonderful.
Well, remember this ... the store won't run away from you. Business won't get any better. Nobody asks you to lock yourself in all day. You're a free man. If by becoming more careless and negligent you grow happier, who will blame you? I'll make a further suggestion. Instead of going off by yourself, take one of your Negro tenants with you. Show him a good time. Give him some clothing from your store. Ask him if you can lend him some money. Buy his wife a little, gift for him to take home. See what I mean?
He began to laugh. Do I see? It sounds great. That's just what I'm going to do.
Don't make too big a splurge all at once, I cautioned. Take it slow and easy. Follow your instincts. For instance, maybe one day you'll feel like getting yourself a piece of tail. Don't have a bad conscience about it. Try a piece of dark meat now and then. It's tastier, and it costs less. Anything to make you relax, remember that. Always treat yourself well. If you feel like a worm, grovel; if you feel like a bird, fly. Don't worry about what the neighbors may think. Don't worry about your kids, they'll take care of themselves. As for your wife, maybe when she sees you happy she'll change her tune. She's a good woman, your wife. Too conscientious, that's all. Needs to laugh once in a while. Did you ever try a limerick on her? Here's one for you...
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who dreamt she was raped by a Jew,
She awoke in the night,
With a scream of delight,
To find it was perfectly true!
Good, good! he exclaimed. Do you know any more?
Yes, I said, but I've got to get back to work now. Feel better now, don't you? Tomorrow we visit the darkies, eh? Maybe some day next week I'll ride out to Bluepoint with you. How's that?
Would you? Oh, that would be dandy, just dandy. By the way, how is the book coming along? Are you nearly finished with it? I'm dying to read it, you know. So is Mrs. Essen.
Reb, you won't like the book at all. I must tell you that straight off.
How can you say that? He was fairly shouting.
Because it's no good.
He looked at me as if I were out of my mind. For a moment he didn't know what to say. Then he blurted out—Miller, you're crazy! You couldn't write a bad book. It's impossible. I know you too well.
You know only a part of me, I said. You've never seen the other side of the moon, have you? That's me. Terra incognita. Take it from me, I'm just a novice. Maybe ten years from now I'll have something to show you.
But you've been writing for years.
Practising, you mean. Practising the scales.
