Professor? I confess the niceties of your profession leave me somewhat perplexed.'
Still giddy and somewhat disoriented — he'd never portalled so far in his life — he staggered in a circle until he found the woman attached to the voice.
She was young. Well, youngish. His own age or thereabouts. Vertically challenged, horizontally overcompensated, clad in baggy brown tweed trousers and a plain blue cotton shirt and crowned with a thick braid of rust-red hair that sagged on top of her head like an uncooked doughnut. Her face was round and splattered with freckles, her chin determined, her eyes green and calculating behind wire-rimmed glasses. At her feet languished a long black exclamation mark of a cat, whose eyes were equally green and calculating. 'Bugger,' said Reg. The cat smiled and licked its lips. 'Now, now, Boris,' said the woman.'Manners.'
'Ah,' Gerald said, standing straighter. 'Princess Melissande?' She smiled, revealing a hint of teeth.'Correct.'
Really? This was a princess? Granted he'd never been this close to one before, but all the same… 'I'm sorry,' he said.'I wasn't expecting you to meet me yourself, Your Highness. I thought you'd send a — a — minion.'
'They were all busy,' said the princess. 'Minioning.'Then she sighed. 'Don't tell me, let me guess. You were expecting someone taller, blonder and thinner, yes? Well, it breaks my heart to disappoint you, Mister Professor Dunwoody, but we ran out of that model around here about four generations ago. When it comes to New Ottosland royal princesses, what you see is what you get.' She smiled again, sweetly. 'Deal with it.'
Appalled, he stumbled forward and bowed. 'No — Your Highness — you misunderstand — '
'I expect I don't, you know. But it doesn't matter. I'm more than used to it.' She tipped her head to one side and considered Reg with narrowed eyes. 'That's a most unusual bird you have there, Professor. I don't think I've ever seen one quite like it before. And it talks?'
He spat a silent curse in Reg's direction. 'Ah — yes. She's — she's — a parrot. Very rare. One of a kind, actually. And you know what parrots are for meaningless chatter, Your Highness. 1 strongly suggest you don't take any notice of her. At all. Ever.'
'A parrot?' said the princess thoughtfully. 'Interesting. I was under the impression that parrots are generally noted for the curviness of their beaks and the brightness of their plumage… but there you are. If you say it's a parrot then by all means. It's a parrot. Does Polly want a cracker, by any chance?'
'Thank you, no,' he said, fingers clamping tight about Reg's uncurved beak. 'And her name's Reg, actually. Not Polly. I'm afraid she's a bit sensitive about — '
'How quaint,' said Princess Melissande. She turned on her heel and headed at a determined rate towards a closed door at the far end of the golden chamber. The long black cat yawned and followed. He stared after her. 'Ah,Your Highness — my luggage — ' 'Don't worry, Mister Professor Dunwoody,' said the princess over her shoulder. 'A spare minion will be along presently to see to it. I'd bring my personal effects, though, if I were you. Qualifications and what not. His Majesty might well ask to see them. And if he doesn't I certainly will.'
He turned back, snatched his carpet-bag and hurried to catch up with her.'Actually, just Mister will do, Your Highness. Or Gerald. I'm not really one to stand on ceremony'
'Really?' she said, and spared him another glance.'I am.'
They reached the golden chamber's vast double doors. The princess halted in front of them and waited, an impatient look on her face.
'Ouch,' he said, as Reg nipped him on the ear. 'What was that for?' Reg sighed. 'Open the doors. Blockhead.' He bit his tongue and opened the doors.
'What an interesting vocabulary you've taught your… parrot,' said the princess as she marched past him, the cat smirking at her heels.'I can hardly wait to hear what it comes out with next. Incidentally, I hope it doesn't have lice. Birds do, you know.' Reg squawked. The cat bared its sharp teeth in a grin.
'Oh yes, and by the way, Professor…' the princess added, already halfway down the corridor. 'Welcome to New Ottosland.'
CHAPTER SIX
'Well don't just stand here like a ninny,' said Reg. 'Go after her!'
Since the princess showed no sign of slowing, he had to run. For a short person she moved along at quite a clip.
'Ah, there you are,' she said as he and Reg joined her. 'You must learn to keep up, Mister Dunwoody. His Majesty is impatient of laggards, as you'll soon see.' 'I will?'
She glanced at him sidelong, her expression gently malicious. 'In about five minutes, as it happens.'
He slammed on the brakes. Reg sank her claws into his shoulder, swearing and flapping. 'You mean we're off to see the king now?
'Of course now,' she said, spinning about to walk backwards just as quickly. Her cat leapt clear, spitting. 'He's waiting for you in the Small Audience Chamber. Why? Where did you think we were going?'
'But — but — Your Highness — I can't see the king now. I need to freshen up — change into my best attire! I can't appear before a king looking like — '
The princess stopped. 'You can and you will. I've got strict instructions to escort you to His Majesty's presence the moment you arrive so let's just get it over with, shall we? You've got the rest of the day to stand in front of mirrors primping. Provided, of course, His Majesty doesn't send you packing back to Ottosland.'
'Send me packing?' he said faintly. 'I don't understand — I thought — '
'Ha,' said Reg, under her breath. 'Didn't I tell you? Not that I'm one to gloat, of course, or say 'I told you so', but if you'd just listened to me and — ' He twitched his shoulder, hard. 'Shut up, Reg.'
Hands shoved into her pockets, Princess Melissande had the grace to look uncomfortable. 'All right. Look. Here's the thing. You're not the first court wizard Lional's hired, all right? But the others didn't work out, so — '
'How many others?' he interrupted, and to hell with protocol. 'And why didn't they work out?' She sighed, shoulders slumping. 'It's complicated.'
Complicated. The story of his bloody life. He took a deep breath, subduing angry panic. The woman standing in front of him might look like a badly dressed shop assistant but she was in fact royalty and had to be treated as such. Let appearances lull him into a false sense of security and he'd be portalling back to Ottosland faster than Reg could find something to complain about.
'I see,' he said, with extreme care. 'And if I may be so bold as to ask, Your Highness, complicated how, exactly?'
She let out a short, sharp breath. 'My brother — His Majesty — is a young and energetic man, Mister Dunwoody. He has views. Plans. A vision for the future. Our kingdom isn't the most progressive country in the world. In fact some might say — and perhaps not without cause — New Ottosland has become moribund. His Majesty intends to… stir things up a bit.' 'Well, that seems reasonable. Only I don't see — '
The princess held up a finger. 'The thing is, not all of the king's plans are what you might call practical. Daring, yes. Ambitious, absolutely. But practical? Not so much.' Her gaze lost focus, as though she were staring into the past. 'Practicality's never been Lional's strong suit, bless him. And there are other considerations as well. Matters geographical and political about which His Majesty is… sensitive. That's where I, as prime minister, come in.'
'I'm sure you do,' he said. 'But I still don't understand why my predecessors — '
'Mister Dunwoody, have you ever worked for royalty before?'
'Worked for?' He resisted the urge to look at Reg.'No, Your Highness. I haven't.'
'Then allow me to give you a little advice. His Majesty doesn't care for being contradicted. Or being told his requests are silly, frivolous and beneath the dignity of any self-respecting wizard. To be honest I would've thought that'd be obvious, he is a king, after all, but your predecessors had different ideas. To be blunt, Mister Dunwoody, your predecessors made it clear they thought Lional should defer to them and not the other way around. Well, obviously, he couldn't put up with that! 'Well, no, of course not, Your Highness. But — '
'Excellent! she said, smiling fiercely. 'So, really it's very simple. Just remember that even though you're the
