Princess Melissande flinched, but she stood her ground.'I thought we needed a different approach. All the other wizards met your specifications to the last full stop but none of them worked out, did they? So I thought perhaps we'd have more success if I found you a wizard who was slightly less… set in his ways. One who could more easily adapt to the way we do things here in New Ottosland. A wizard who'd be grateful for the opportunity to serve a king instead of always banging on about how much better old Emperor Whosiewhatsit from Somewhere Else ran his country back in the day. You see? I was just thinking of you, Lional.'
The king was not amused. 'And I'm sure that's very touching, Melissande, but if you'd just gone on thinking for a moment or two longer perhaps you might've realised that there is such a thing as appearancesl What will other realms and sovereignties think of me, Melissande, when they see I am being counselled by a beardless escapee from the nursery?'
Princess Melissande snorted. 'Well, Lional, seeing as how you refuse to meet with any other realms and sovereignties, I don't see how they're going to think anything at all!'
The king leaned forward, which made the orange cat hiss.'And what is that supposed to mean?'
'You know perfectly well what it means! It means when are you going to give an audience to the Kallarapi delegation? This tariff business is serious, Lional! It's only a matter of time before they widen the camel-train ban to include essential imports! You can't ignore — '
'I've already told you, Melissande, it is beneath my dignity to treat with a mere younger brother. If Sultan Zazoor is serious about resolving this situation he can come and talk to me himself.'
'And what am I supposed to do with his delegation?' 'I told you before! Show them the sights!'
'I have, Lional,' said his sister, sounding pressed to her limit. 'I've shown them the Royal Capital, the Royal Art Gallery, the Royal Gardens, the Royal Zoo and the Royal Duck Pond. I have taken them riding in the Glen and boating on the Zigzag and I'm afraid there's nothing left to do with them short of putting them in the post and sending them home. Wliich — ' and she held up a finger as he opened his mouth '- goes without saying is out of the question.'
'But you're the prime minister!' said the king, affronted.'I told you to deal with this!'
'And I've tried, Lional, but the delegation doesn't want to be dealt with. Not by me, at any rate,' Princess Melissande pointed out. 'Apparently they don't treat with mere younger sisters. Prince Nerim seems to think he should be speaking with you, seeing as how you're the king and he's the sultan's brother. And the holy man agrees. It's an odd notion, I know, but there you are. They're foreigners, so what can you expect? Of course, since they've got us surrounded and our economic survival depends on keeping their goodwill, I've always found it prudent to humour them but then that's just me. I suppose as you're the king you can do what you like, but on the whole I'd rather not push them any further than we have already because you and I both know that — '
'Yes, yes, I know!' the king snapped pettishly.'All right. I'll see them.' 'Today?'
'No. Tomorrow. I'll not have them thinking I'm a pushover!'
The princess frowned, apparently consulting an inner diary. 'In the afternoon? Say three o'clock?'
'If I must,' the king said with a martyred sigh. 'But I'll not see them without a wizard!'
'You've got a wizard, Lional! He's standing right in front of you!'
Lional the Forty-third threw up his hands. 'Well, something is standing in front of me, I grant you! But I'm yet to be convinced it's a wizard. Good God, Melissande, look at him! He's even younger than that daft idiot Rupert! He's almost as young as youV
'So? What's age got to do with it?' the princess replied. 'You sacked your entire privy council because they refused to accept that anybody under the age of sixty can rule a kingdom then turned round and made me prime minister, so how can you say that Gerald's too young to be a wizard? What would you know about it anyway? You're not a wizard!'
The king's eyes narrowed. 'Oh, so it's Gerald now, is it?'
'Professor Dunwoody, I mean,' said the princess. She was blushing. 'And he absolutely is a wizard. Aren't you, Professor?'
'What?' said Gerald. It'd been so long since they'd noticed him he'd almost forgotten he was standing there. 'I mean, yes, Your Highness! I absolutely am a wizard.'
'A deaf one, from the looks of it,' the king snapped. 'You've brought your qualifications, I take it?'
He nudged the carpet-bag at his feet. 'Yes, Your Majesty.'
King Lional held out a hand, his expression long-suffering. Gerald dropped to one knee, rummaged inside the carpet-bag and pulled out his certificate of registration, complete with its impressive Department of Thaumaturgy crimson seal. Straightening, he proffered it to the king.
New Ottosland's monarch inspected the certificate. Then he looked up, frowning. 'Is this your idea of a joke?' He blinked.'Joke? Ah — no, Your Majesty' 'You're a Third Grade wizard?' 'Yes, Your Majesty.'
'Third Grade? Not First — or even Second? Third?'
He risked a nervous glance at the princess, who was chewing on her lip. 'Yes, Your Majesty. I'm sorry Is that a problem? Only the Positions Vacant piece said grading wasn't relevant. But as it happens I do have a little First Grade experience. Sort of. If that helps.'
King Lional stared, his golden eyebrows shooting up. The orange cat yowled. 'No, it does not! Melissande — '
'He's the only one who answered the ad, Lional!' the princess cried.'Nobody else was interested!'
'What do you mean, nobody', the king said, after an awful silence. 'There must be hundreds of wizards in the world.'
'Thousands,' said his sister. 'But not one of them put his hand up to be your new royal court wizard. And can you blame them, after all the ads we've placed lately? Did you think nobody would notice we've got a revolving door exclusively for royal court wizards in New Ottosland?'
'But a Tliird Grader?' the king shouted, and threw the certificate onto the floor. 'You might as well have hired me a toy wizard! One of those silly wind-up dolls with the battery-operated staff]'
Gerald looked up from retrieving his qualifications. 'I assure you, Your Majesty, I'm a trifle more magical than a doll!'
'Oh, bugger,' muttered Reg. 'Now you've done it.'
King Lional the Forty-third sat back on his throne, smiling. His teeth were ice-white and immaculately even.'Really?' he drawled.
To hell with being intimidated by good dentistry. 'Really'
The king's smile widened. 'How exciting. Prove it.'
Without meaning to, Gerald took a backwards step. Oh, hell. He really had done it, hadn't he? Prove it? Prove it how?
Still smiling, the king continued. 'You have sixty seconds, Professor, by the end of which you'll have demonstrated one of two things: why I should keep you here as my royal court wizard, or why you'll be discovering first hand the joys of traversing the Kallarapi Desert on foot. Do I make myself clear?'
Horrified, he looked at Princess Melissande. She lifted her shoulders in a tiny shrug, mute.
The king cleared his throat. 'Tick tock, tick tock, Professor.'
'Yes, Your Majesty!' he said.'Please — if I might have a moment to think?'
'You have fifty moments, Professor,' said King Lional. 'What you do with them is entirely your own affair.'
Gerald shoved the certificate back in his carpetbag and turned away, hunching his shoulder. 'Okay, Reg,' he whispered. 'What do I do now? I can't walk across a desert! I'll fry!'
'Calm down,' Reg whispered back. 'This won't be solved by panicking.'
'It won't be solved by magic, either! A simple Third Grade incant won't save me! You heard him, he wants a First Grade wizard!'
'Then a First Grade wizard's what you'd better give him, Gerald,' hissed Reg.'And quick!'
'Professor,' said the king, 'am I imagining things or are you consulting with that fusty heap of feathers on your shoulder?'
He spun around, struggling not to glance guiltily at the princess. 'Consulting? With Reg? Oh, no, Your Majesty. Why would I do that? Reg is a bird. No. I was just — thinking out loud.'
'Then I suggest you think more quietly,' said the king. 'And faster.'
The royal smile was by this time unsettling. 'Yes, Your Majesty. Sorry, Your Majesty.'
