CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Gerald looked at Reg, who shrugged. 'She's got to find out sooner or later, sunshine. At least right now she's anaesthetised.'

He put his aching head in his hands. Forget about being born beneath an unlucky star. Clearly he'd popped out beneath a misfortunate bloody galaxy.

The princess was staring at him suspiciously as she wrung out the sopping handkerchief.'Find out what, Gerald? What exactly happened after I left the audience chamber?'

Oh lord. 'Well, Melissande,' he said, 'it's got something to do with New Ottosland's foreign policy'

'Foreign policy?' she echoed. 'Don't make me laugh. The closest thing we've got to foreign policy is 'oh look, here comes a stranger, let's throw a rock at him but make sure you get his money first!' Trust me. Lional doesn't care about foreign policy'

'Where does he stand on religion?' said Reg, scratching the side of her head.

'As far away from the church as he can get while still being in New Ottosland.' She sat up a little straighter. 'Why? What's religion got to do with this?'

Gerald looked at Reg, who shrugged again, shorthand for Get on with it, sunshine. Oh hell.

'Everything,' he said, bracing himself. 'The king told the Kallarapi delegation that their gods want New Ottosland and Kallarap to join together as one big happy family' Melissandes jaw dropped.'He told them what?

'Don't worry, it gets worse,' added Reg. 'What he actually said was the Kallarapi gods told him in person that they've chosen you to be Zazoor's bride.' 'And the Kallarapi believed him?'

He nodded. 'Apparently. They're going back home to give Zazoor the glad tidings.'

Dazed, Melissande slumped against the fountain's centre pedestal. 'In person? How? That's not even remotely possible. It's completely impossible.'

'I think you'll find 'impossible' is a relative term, Your Highness.'

She fixed him with a terrible stare. 'Tell me exactly what happened, Gerald. All of it.' So much Jor her being anaesthetised.

By the time he'd finished re-enacting the meeting with Kallarap's delegation, all the hectic colour had drained out of her face, leaving her chalk-white with horror.'No! Lional wouldn't! And then she laughed. 'What am I saying? Of course he would! Oh, Melissande, you fool, you idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid…' Beside herself with anger and regret she started pounding her fist into her leg.

Gerald caught her wrist in his hand. 'Steady on. You'll hurt yourself

'Hurt myself?' she said, wrenching free. 'I should behead myself. He used Tavistock and your stupid bird to make the Kallarapi think their gods, which we aren't even supposed to know about, are on his side! And when they realise it was all a put-up job we're going to be up to our eyeballs in a religious war!' She buried her face in her hands. 'Oh, Gerald. How could you let him do it?'

And look! It was his fault again! 'Let him? Are you saying I could've stopped him?'

'You could've tried!' she retorted, raising her face to him once more. Her eyes were brimful of tears again.'You're the court wizard, Gerald. You've got a responsibility to this kingdom and its people to protect them from harm!'

Now hang on, that was just downright unreasonable. 'From harm, yes!' he shouted. 'But nobody ever said I had to protect them from the king You left that little detail out of the job description, didn't you, Your Highness?' Stung into movement, he stamped backwards and forwards in front of the fountain. 'In case you hadn't noticed, Melissande, your brother Lional is as mad as a meat axe!'

'He is notl' she shouted back.'He's temperamental, I grant you. Impatient. Occasionally insensitive. And yes, all right, sometimes he acts without considering the consequences and then expects other people to clean up the mess! But he's not madV

As he turned, exploding with baffled outrage, Reg flapped into his face. Hovering with difficulty she said, eyes flashing,'Don't say it don't say it don't say it!'

'Say what?' he hissed, sticking out his arm for her to perch on before she had a heart attack. 'I wasn't going to say anything!' He snuck a quick look at Melissande, who was gurgling down the last of the whiskey and surreptitiously wiping away tears.'But you know I'm right. You said it yourself. Lional's stark staring bonkers!'

Reg clacked her beak impatiently. 'Look, Gerald, you know that, I know that, probably the apprentice scullery maid knows that… but there's no point saying it to her. He's family and that'll always come first. At least to someone like Melissande.'

He stared. 'You just called her Melissande. Are you feeling all right?'

Before Reg could stab his eye wtih her beak, the princess cleared her throat. 'Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt or anything but we happen to have a crisis on our hands, in case you hadn't noticed!'

/ swear, the Moody woman is as bad as her brother. 'A crisis? Really?' He parked Reg back on the chair and marched to the fountain. 'Are you sure? I thought it was just an interesting variation on the giddy social whirl that is life in the royal court of New Ottosland!'

She glared at him from behind her foggy glasses. 'That's not funny!' 'No? Well, neither was being in that meeting!'

'And for all the good you did, Mr Royal Court Wizard, it's a great pity you were in it!'

'Ha. Royal court wizard,' he said bitterly. 'And what a crock that's turned out to be. I don't mind telling you, Melissande, accepting this stupid job was the biggest mistake of my lifeV

'And the biggest mistake of my life, Gerald! she retorted, precariously thrusting her face into his, 'was offering it to you!'

They glared at each other, nose to nose. After a fraught moment Reg cleared her throat. 'Entertaining as this is, I don't think it's going to get us very far past a double homicide. I suggest we all take a deep breath and discuss the situation rationally'

'You know,' said Melissande, splashily slumping again,'I was just starting to like you, Gerald. I really thought that together you and I could work to make New Ottosland a better place. But now…'

Still fuming, he watched as her green eyes overflowed with yet more tears. This time he had the nasty suspicion they came from her heart and not a bottle of whiskey. He crossed his arms and stared at the ceiling.

'Oh, no. You're not getting me with that trick. The tears of a woman are to me as rain on a statue. I am impervious. Unmoved. See?' He looked at her. She was still crying. 'Oh bugger! he said, pulled off his Fandawandi silk robe and climbed into the fountain beside her.

Melissande shifted over to make room. 'And this is supposed to make me feel better, is it?' she enquired, sniffing. 'Well, it won't. The only thing that's going to make me feel better is waking up in my bed to discover this has been nothing but a very bad dream.'

Which makes two of us. 'Look, Melissande. I would've stopped the king if I could but everything happened so fast and, to be honest, I was afraid of making things worse.'

She patted his knee. 'It's all right,' she sighed. 'I know what Lional's like when he gets the bit between his teeth. I'm the only one who's ever been able to stop him, and even then, not often. I should've been there. This is my fault, not yours.'

'No, it's Lional's fault,' said Gerald, and covered her hand with his.

Reg glided from the back of her chair to the top of the fountain and looked down at them, her head on one side. 'Go on then, kiss and make up. You know you want to.'

Only the crystal ball's off-key chiming from the workshop saved her. 'What's that racket?' said Melissande.

Still glaring at Reg, Gerald said, 'My crystal ball. Someone's trying to contact me.'

Reg was grinning. 'Better answer it then, sunshine. With any luck it'll be that Markham boy'

Melissande's eyebrows lifted. 'What Markham boy?'

'A friend,' he said. 'Who may have some information that can help get us out of this mess.'

She shoved the wet hair away from her face. 'Gerald Dunwoody. You haven't gone blabbing about this to a

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