[you] Ruined It for Everyone!

lighthearted story that crowned my (ex-)sports hero king of golf and applauded him for being an all-around swell guy. But NO—what we get instead is a strange car accident involving a tree, a fire hydrant, and a nine iron. And then WHOA Nelly—and Rachel… and Kalika… and Mindy… and Jamie… and another one named Jamiee… and Cori… and Holly… and Joslyn…

Who knows if they are all legit? And really, who cares about the number after the tally gets higher than you can count on a single golf glove?

[you] RIFE!

That was the last straw for me. I no longer watch pro sports. I’ve switched to less scandalous professional entertainment—late night Cinemax.

Tiger made us realize that cute fuzzy gophers weren’t the only sneaky rodents roaming the golf course. But if you’re still a Tiger fan, don’t worry: If he’s anything like his furry friends, he’ll burrow his way out of his hole in no time singing the Caddyshack theme song. In fact, I’m sure by the time you are reading this, Tiger will be back at the top of his game and the forgetful public will be cheering for the cheater and buying sports drinks with his ten-timing face printed on the label.

№038 Peter Cooper Hewitt

For giving us horrible lighting.

THE FACTS

American Peter Cooper Hewitt patented the first mercury vapor lamp in 1901. This low-pressure lamp was the very first prototype of today’s modern fluorescent lights. Thanks for nothing!

[you] RIFE!

I wish fluorescent lights would go away. I support great light quality and horrible efficiency! GO INCANDESCENT!

Yeah, yeah, yeah… fluorescents are better for the environment. Unfortunately, they give off horrible light quality, and they flicker and buzz. The fluorescent light is like the Prius of cars. It’s really economical and a good idea, but it’s ugly and we can’t stop it!

Apparently, Ned Flanders is the only one who likes them. He once said, “Oooh, they hum like angels! You’re never lonely if you’ve got a fluorescent light!”

When someone gets a great idea, a lightbulb pops up above his head, but NOT a fluorescent tube! There is good reason for this: It’s because, besides taking a few seconds to flicker on, the fluorescent tube was a crappy idea with poor execution. And thanks to Hewitt’s technology, we now have terrible lighting in countless offices, hospitals, and municipal buildings around the world.

Fluorescent lights downgrade the quality of any space. And their melancholic glow is enough to drive anyone off the edge. How many people have slipped into chronic depression because of badly lit offices? Well, I don’t know the answer to that, but even one is too many (unless, of course, it’s that one asshole who never refills the printer paper).

№039 Dr. Martin Cooper

For making us too available!

THE FACTS

Dr. Martin Cooper invented the cellular phone. He came up with the sophisticated technology responsible for the cell phone when he was the director of research and development at Motorola. Now he’s the CEO of the ArrayComm antenna corporation.

[you] RIFE!

Thanks a lot, doc; now we are available, all the time.

The mobile phone could be claimed as one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century. However, I would argue against it. Really, all it does is make us reachable every second of every day. Is that a good thing? Is the trade-off worth it? Do you want to “get away”? Well, too bad, you can’t ’cause you own a cell phone. And of course, you can never NOT answer your cell phone because then you’re an asshole phone-dodger. Not to mention that you always get that itch of curiosity to find out what the call is about.

Besides making us constantly available, the mobile device is probably causing us to develop cancer, making us infertile and impotent due to the digital radiation, and creating a whole new array of repetitive motion injuries. I know Travolta became smart with one in Phenomenon, but I would prefer to avoid a brain tumor! And quite frankly, I am getting tired of loud phone conversations everywhere I go. It happens waiting in line, on airplanes, at restaurants, in elevators and movie theaters—enough already. Stop the insanity! If you are going to do it, learn how to use your “inside” voice. I guess one benefit of cell phone overexposure is knowing that the loud-talking dickwad in line at Starbucks gabbing on his phone is going to eventually have his penis fall off from harmful mobile phone emissions! So at least we have that to look forward to!

№040 Edward A. Murphy

For creating a “law” for stuff to go wrong.

THE FACTS

Definition: Murphy’s Law—if anything can go wrong, it will.

The suggestive saying was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on an Air Force project at Edwards Air Force Base. A rocket deceleration test failed to record needed data. Murphy discovered the failure was the result of his assistant wiring a transducer backwards. Murphy got a little pissed about the mistake and said, “If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll find it.” The project manager wrote this down on his list of “laws” and called it Murphy’s Law.

Shortly afterward, Dr. John Paul Stapp, one of the test riders for the deceleration track, was in an important press conference. He was asked a question regarding safety and how the test riders avoided being hurt during the rocket-sled tests. He said that their good safety record was due to a firm belief in Murphy’s Law and the challenge to try and evade it. The saying stuck after being published in a few journals.

[you] RIFE!

Thanks a lot, Murph! You gave it a name…

Now anything that can go wrong will, at the worst possible time, and in the worst possible way. All because of your little hissy fit!

Here are a few other unnecessary sayings that precipitate bad things happening just because they were given a name: crying wolf, the domino effect, alcoholism, schadenfreude, and the Bermuda triangle. Even when someone says, “Don’t drop that!”, you are certainly ten times more likely to. When analyzed, it’s more of a chicken-and-egg debate—if there were no chicken there would be no egg—hence no debate. What we have learned is that when you drop a piece of toast with peanut butter on the floor, you can be sure it will land on the bad side. But let’s say it actually landed gooey side up (and you took the three-second rule into account). Would you still eat it anyway?