[you] Ruined It for Everyone!

№041 Clarence Thomas

For calling it “Long Dong Silver.”

THE FACTS

Sexual harassment laws are relatively new to society. The United States adopted the 1964 Civil Rights Act, but even then, the first lawsuits filed under its auspices did not happen until the 1970s. Since then, interpretation of the law has broadened.

Unfortunately for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, he was not immune to these laws during his Supreme Court nomination proceedings in 1981. The sexual harassment allegations from Anita Hill ignited a media frenzy prior to Thomas’s appointment. The nationally televised hearing sparked many longstanding water-cooler jokes over such phrases as “There is a pubic hair in my Coke!” and a certain penis in question named “Long Dong Silver.” In the end, the hearing failed to substantiate Anita’s claims. These events didn’t help Clarence’s already skimpy qualifications. Nonetheless, this man made it to the highest judicial position in the land. The Senate elected him with a 52-48 vote (which was the smallest margin in Supreme Court history).

[you] RIFE!

Sexual harassment trials in later years that sided against men show us Clarence acted similarly to guilty parties. Also, Clarence said Anita was a “mediocre” employee. If this were true, why did Mr. Thomas hire her twice? It has to be one or the other: She was either a good employee, or he just wanted to sleep with her. Something smells fishy!

Did he rape her? No, but he still made crude sexual remarks to Anita and made her feel uncomfortable in the workplace. This type of accusation should not be associated with a Supreme Court justice.

So the next time you are thinking about discussing your pubes at the water cooler with a member of the opposite sex, remember that there is a good chance you can get away with it. Hell, you may even be promoted (especially if you are a Republican).

№042 Chemie Grunenthal

For causing thalidomide birth defects.

THE FACTS

Wilhelm Kunz, a trained pharmacist, discovered thalidomide by accident while synthesizing drug compounds for the German pharmaceutical company Chemie Grunenthal. The drug was used to treat morning sickness in pregnant women. And while it was quite effective at treating nausea, it was also tragically efficient at disrupting the normal development of fetuses. Thousands of children in countries around the world were born with birth defects that included malformed limbs and supernumerary appendages

[you] RIFE!

Herr Kuntz, Sie haben es fur alle ruiniert! What were you thinking? You were a pharmacist, not a scientist. You were trained to distribute drugs, not make them. And shame on you, Chemie Grunenthal! Your greed kept you from properly testing thalidomide before releasing it to the public. You were blinded by visions of beaucoup Deutschemarks in your eyes and sold it anyway. More than ten thousand children in forty-six countries were born with deformities because of your neglect. Let’s not forget, this is the same kind of bullshit that made Harrison Ford a Fugitive.

№043 W.

For calling them “freedom fries.”

THE FACTS

George W. Bush set us back decades in so many ways. I don’t have the time, or energy, to express all of my negative views toward his idiocy. The entire book could be dedicated to his blight. Nonetheless, I will focus on merely a tiny blunder of his reign: “freedom fries.”

Bush and his posse decided to rename french fries “freedom fries” after the French opposed the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. Some conservatives, for a while, boycotted French goods in retaliation as well. Bush’s cronies, Robert Ney and Walter Jones, instigated the change in the House of Representatives’ cafeterias, which later caught on to various restaurants across the country. They intended it to express our displeasure with France. However, the name change was a ridiculous and childish way to express irritation. Not to mention that french fries come from Belgium. Many argue that there should have been a more intelligent way to show displeasure.

[you] RIFE!

You dickhead! You ruined our world standing. I have tried to mentally block out all of your wrongdoings about as effectively as sunlight through a window. All I can say is: freedom fries? Are you serious? This was your quiet temper tantrum against the French for not supporting a meaningless war? That’s why French people now call American cheese “idiot cheese.”

I leave you with a few of my favorite Bush quotes:

• “See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.” October 3, 2003.

• “You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” February 21, 2001.

• “The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our No. 1 priority and we will not rest until we find him.” September 13, 2001.

• “I don’t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don’t care. It’s not that important. It’s not our priority.” March 13, 2002.

№044 Barack Obama

For promoting a dying technology.

THE FACTS

Barack is doing a pretty good job mopping up the Bush mess and presidentially sweeping it under the oval rug. Let’s just say he hasn’t ruined anything major—yet. And I hope by the time you’re reading this he hasn’t been caught next to an intern with his pants down while signing a communistic health care- reform document.

If you are not aware, Obama has allocated a large wad of cash into America’s broadband infrastructure. About $8 billion is being poured into the construction of new broadband Internet networking in hopes of improving connectivity in rural areas.

The allocation of monies is a bit vague. However, I guarantee the cable and phone companies’ mouths are salivating to add more customers through cable and improved fiber optic telephone lines. The problem is that this technology is on its way out. The world is going wireless. We should be allocating most of the money to wireless