Bauer could chug a beer.
I hold MTV responsible. Yeah, there were other reality television shows before, but none that left its audience violently drooling like a crack addict waiting for a visual fix, and none that rotted as many brain cells.
Let’s face it, reality TV is just a way for producers to save a buck by cutting out the middleman in television production—you know, the actors and writers. However, the reality becomes blurred when you realize that these shows are usually scripted, doctored, over-edited, over-shot, and reshot. Unfortunately, this “reality” is about as honest as Tony Soprano’s waste management company.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it were quality programming, but who really wants to see eight three-foot-tall circus midgets competing for the Octomom’s hand in marriage?… Wait a minute, that might be good… I hope I TiVo’d that!
№096
Charles Darwin
For proving God wrong.
Charles Darwin was born in 1809. He was a British naturalist who became famous for his theory of evolution and natural selection. He believed that all life on earth evolved over millions of years from a few common ancestors. He was not the first to have these beliefs, but he was undoubtedly the most famous to bring them to light. His theory of evolutionary selection reveals that variations within species occur randomly and the survival or extinction of each organism is determined by that organism’s ability to survive, adapt, and reproduce in its environment.
On a side note, Darwin’s father almost saved him from ruining it for everyone. His dad nearly prohibited the devout doubter from going on his science expedition in 1831. He was scared it would lead him away from a future in the clergy. Oops! I hope he went to confession after that one.
Holy shit, Chuck! You made us doubt our divine maker. Your theories are in direct conflict with the church and the Bible. And now, ever since this crazy hypothesis, “science” and “religion” can’t play nicely together.
Don’t worry, religion. Evolution is just a theory. It will most likely be forgotten in a few hundred years anyway. It’s not proven, like the Bible is. And it’s not based on something as concrete as faith! Besides, what more does science have to offer than watching miniature volcanoes explode at the science fair?
Don’t worry, science. Religion may still go out of style. I mean, the two largest religions are less than two thousand years old (Islam originated in 610 AD and Christianity in 30 AD). If you are worried, you should start a support group where you can study and read passages from textbooks together. You can meet once a week in your spare time, maybe on Sunday mornings? And even if you’re wrong, I am sure you’ve got equipment that can measure just how hot hell might be.
№$297
Wal-Mart shoppers
For buying a gallon of pickles for $2.97.
The only two Dow Jones stocks to rise in 2008 were Wal-Mart, with an 18 percent gain, and McDonald’s, at 6 percent. Wal-Mart sells more than Target, Sears, Kmart, JC Penney, Safeway, and Kroger combined
What’s wrong with Wal-Mart? Nothing, legally. For the most part, it’s legit. We have to blame capitalism and the consumer for its repugnant reign.
Wal-Mart does everything it can to get its shoppers that low, low price. The Vlasic Pickle Company quickly discovered the power of the giant superstore. Wal-Mart wanted to make a statement for its low prices by selling a gallon jar of pickles for $2.97. Vlasic went along with the idea and the enormous jar sold like crazy. Every store was selling about eighty jars a week. That’s nearly a million gallons of pickles a month. Wal-Mart sure put Vlasic in a pickle with the experiment. It did dramatically increase the pickle company’s sales, but drastically reduced its profits, lowered the company’s image, and adversely affected farmers. Wal-Mart also ruined it for Master Lock and Levi’s in similar ways.
Yes, Wal-Mart is the devil. It’s widely known that it has poor employment strategies, forces local businesses into bankruptcy, squeezes suppliers, promotes overseas manufacturing, destroys nature, and sucks government assistance dry. But who cares? Obviously not consumers. They already know that Wal-Mart is sketchy, yet they shop there anyway. And the government is not going to step in since the company plays by the rules. If you don’t like it, don’t shop there. What would you do with a gallon jar of pickles anyway?
№098
Pamela and Gela of Juicy Couture
For making the velour tracksuit popular.
Pamela Skaist-Levy and Gela Nash-Taylor founded Juicy Couture, a clothing company, in 1994. They started their tracksuit line in 1999. The outfit was an older idea that Juicy decided to make sassy by slapping its logo on the ass and selling it at a really high price point. Pamela and Gela had a smart marketing ploy: They let top celebrities like Madonna shop their line for free. Then the celebs were photographed wearing Juicy Couture’s clothing. After that, the brand and outfit became a smash hit.
Okay, so Juicy Couture did not start bad fashion; it just happened to create one of the worst fashion trends. If you own this ensemble, don’t throw it away (unless you’re a man). You can wear the top or the bottom; just try to refrain from wearing them at the same time. Think about it—have you ever been asked out while wearing this outfit? If so, I am sure the relationship ended with a restraining order.
There has been bad fashion since we stopped walking around naked. Is it Juicy’s fault? Is it the designers’ fault for creating bad fashion? Or is it the consumers’ fault for buying it? Or should we blame Madonna for wearing free shit? Here are some other horrifying fashion faux pas:
• Shoulder pads. (Because looking like a linebacker is just so feminine.)
• Leg warmers. (Thanks a lot,
• Pants fallin’ off the ass. (It could be worse—men could go back to showing off their bulges.)
• High-waisted “mom” jeans. (Great idea—wear something that makes your ass look bigger!)
• Uggs. (Nothing says fashion like puffy arctic boots in the summertime.)
• Socks with flip-flops. (This was never a trend; it was just stupid. If God wanted you to wear this, he would have made socks like mittens, but he didn’t, so stop doing it.)
• Popped collars. (Ever notice that the preppy douche bag in the movies always has his collar up? Think about it. Even if the style comes back, just say NO.)
