№099
Scotland
For giving us our worst Olympic sport.
In case you are not from Canada, curling is an Olympic “sport.” It involves pushing a granite stone on ice and then sweeping brooms in front of it. It takes a tremendous amount of skill and precision. If you wanna play, get some friends together in the wintertime. Grab a push broom, steal a few big flat stones from the neighbor’s yard, and head for the frozen creek. Then take the stones and throw them at your friends’ kneecaps. After that, proceed to beat the shit out of them with the broom for agreeing to play such a stupid game.
Curling is what people did for fun in Scotland in the sixteenth century… Some traditions should just die. I mean, seriously, we let you keep the kilt and bagpipe. The only reason you are not the world’s worst country ever is because you invented Scotch and you’re the birth place of the best James Bond. (No, not Timothy Dalton.)
Curling is basically shuffleboard on ice (that thing that old people play in Florida). If Tampa ever gets to host the Winter Olympics, Grandpa Joe will be a U.S. Olympic hopeful.
Other bad Olympic sports that desperately need eradication:
• Shooting. This is great exercise for ONE eyelid. You don’t break a sweat or have your heart rise above 48 bpm. If you want respect, do the biathlon instead (skiing AND rifle shooting).
• Synchronized swimming. Actually, this takes lots of skill, but nobody cares to watch a few athletes splashing each other while clothed. If you want better ratings, add chicken fights!
• Race walking. Someone check the rule book—I don’t think oxymorons are even allowed…
• Table tennis. We can keep this if they start allowing air hockey and foosball! If not, then let’s yank it from the roster. (But wait till after Biba Golic retires.)
• Diving. Even gays think it’s gay.
• Trampoline. It’s better than diving. But it’s a trampoline. It’s a backyard activity for children. If we keep this, then we should allow badminton and beach volleyball too—oh, wait…
• Equestrian sports. Okay—then do I get to ride on my luck dragon in the 100-meter dash?
№100
Shawn Meneely
For eliminating diving boards.
Imagine, if you will, it is summertime and a fourteen-year-old boy is having a blast at the neighbor’s pool. He and his friends are taking turns jumping off the diving board. The enthusiastic teenager springs off the board and attempts a suicide dive (a suicide dive involves jumping off a board headfirst with your arms at your sides). Quickly after entering the water, his head smashes into the upslope of the pool and he becomes paralyzed for life. This is the tragedy that happened to Shawn Meneely. His parents were crushed and angrily sued the National Spa & Pool Institute, the diving-board manufacturer, and even the pool builder. Shawn won $6.6 million from the NSPI. Now, thanks to the Meneelys and their lawyers, all backyard-pool diving boards have felt the sting of a painful belly flop.
The National Spinal Cord Injury Statistical Center reports that eight hundred Americans are permanently paralyzed as a result of diving accidents every year. More impressively, about three thousand people drown yearly without any help from diving boards. (Maybe it’s time to outlaw pools too.)
The gainer, jackknife, swan dive, flip, and, of course, the CANNONBALL! Everyone got wet when you did that. Those were the days. Your summers were set if you had a friend with a pool and a board. Now diving boards have nearly vanished because of one clumsy boy and his greedy lawyers. I am all for safety and security, but there is a limit and it has gotten ridiculous. STOP taking the fun out of everything! Shit happens regardless. We don’t live in a white-padded-wall world, although with crazy lawsuits like these diving at our sanity, we may all end up there.
Afterward, Mr. Meneely tried to become an advocate for diving board safety—but really, he just became the poster boy for its eradication. So you still want a diving board? Well, too bad, because you need proper pool sizing. I know what you’re thinking—you will just have a pool built to the proper distance and depth. Well, it turns out, if you build it, they WON’T come. No insurance company will underwrite a diving board. And it doesn’t matter, because builders won’t install one. Thanks for the memories!
№101
The apple
For making sin so tasty.
Here’s the story: God was bored and needed some company. So he grabbed some clay and made Adam. God then created a garden for Adam to live in, called Eden. After that he created some cool animals for Adam to hang with. However, God felt a bit guilty because Adam had no one to mack on. So God decided to play matchmaker, grabbed a rib, and made Eve. Then he laid down the ground rules… The first rule of Eden: You do not eat from the Tree of Good and Evil. The second rule of Eden: You DO NOT eat from the Tree of Good and Evil! But they ate from it anyway. As a result, God kicked them out and cursed women to forever have horrible pain during childbirth.
Then God felt guilty again, so he created the epidural.
Why did the pesky apple have to be so enticing in the first place? Now all of humankind is a bunch of no- good sinners all because of some mouthwatering Golden Delicious. But let’s be realistic, it had some help…
Way to go, Eve. You listened to some stupid talking snake and took the first bite of the apple. And then you tempted Adam with it. So step up and take some blame, sister.
Way to go, Adam. It’s more your fault for being a dope. You ate the apple just for a cute piece of ass. WAKE UP, man! You had the perfect “desert island” scenario. She would have totally let you bone her no matter what! Nice going, loser.
Way to go, God. You put the tempting tree there to begin with. And why put limits on the couple? What are you, some kind of control freak? And why are we, to this day, still paying for someone else’s mistake? And if you really think about it, it’s your fault for not making us perfect in the first place!
So if [you] made it in this book—or even if you ruined it for just one person—you can still dodge the RIFE finger by pointing the blame back to the preeminently divine ruiner. Thank God!
Perhaps you are blaming me for not adding your favorite RIFE. Well, that’s because I don’t know you. If you
