this point you don't have any alternative to speak of. We'll have to imagine you met up with us at some point after the movie, in the quite likely event that someone has seen you. Say we called you at five o'clock and met you in the parking lot. You rode with us to Francis's – really, this doesn't follow very smoothly, but it'll have to do – and walked home again.'
'All right.'
'When you get home, check downstairs in case any phone messages were left for you between three-thirty and five. If there were, we'll have to think of some reason why you didn't take the calls.'
'Look, you guys,' Charles said. 'It's really snowing.'
Tiny flakes, just visible at the tops of the pines.
'One more thing,' said Henry. 'We don't want to behave as if we're waiting around to hear some momentous piece of news.
Go home. Read a book. I don't think we ought to try to contact 3i4 one another tonight – unless, of course, it's absolutely necessary.'
'I've never seen it snow this late in the year.' Francis was looking out the window. 'Yesterday it was nearly seventy degrees.'
'Were they predicting it?' Charles said.
'Not that I heard.'
'Christ. Look at this. It's almost Easter.'
'I don't see why you're so excited,' Henry said crossly. He had a pragmatic, farmer-like knowledge of how weather conditions affected growth, germination, blooming times, et cetera. 'It's just going to kill all the flowers.'
I walked home fast, because I was cold. A November stillness was settling like a deadly oxymoron on the April landscape. Snow was falling in earnest now – big silent petals drifting through the springtime woods, white bouquets segueing into snowy dark: a nightmarish topsy-turvy land, something from a story book. My path took me beneath a row of apple trees, full-blown and luminous, shivering in the twilight like an avenue of pale umbrellas. The big white flakes wafted through them, dreamy and soft. I did not stop to look, however, only hurried beneath them even faster. My winter in Hampden had given me a horror of snow.
There were no messages for me downstairs. I went up to my room, changed my clothes, couldn't decide what to do with the ones I'd taken off, thought of washing them, wondered if it might look suspicious, finally stuffed them all at the very bottom of my laundry bag. Then I sat down on my bed and looked at the clock.
It was time for dinner and I hadn't eaten all day but I wasn't hungry. I went to the window and watched the snowflakes whirl in the high arcs of light above the tennis courts, then crossed over and sat upon my bed again.
Minutes ticked by. Whatever anesthesia had carried me through the event was starting to wear off and with each passing second the thought of sitting around all night, alone, was seeming more and more unbearable. I turned on the radio, switched it off, tried to read. When I found I couldn't hold my attention on one book I tried another. Scarcely ten minutes had passed. I picked up the first book and put it down again. Then, against my better judgment, I went downstairs to the pay phone and dialed Francis's number.
He answered on the first ring. 'Hi,' he said, when I told him it was me. 'What is it?'
'Nothing.'
'Are you sure?'
I heard Henry murmuring in the background. Francis, his mouth away from the receiver, said something that I couldn't catch.
'What are you guys doing?' I said.
'Not much. Having a drink. Hold on a second, would you?' he said, in response to another murmur.
There was a pause, an indistinct exchange, and then Henry's brisk voice came on the line. 'What's the matter? Where are you?' he said.
'At home.'
'What's wrong?'
'I just wondered if maybe I could come over for a drink or something.'
'That's not a good idea. I was just leaving when you called.'
'What are you going to do?'
'Well, if you want to know the truth, I'm going to take a bath and go to bed.'
The line was silent for a moment.
'Are you still there?' Henry said.
'Henry, I'm going crazy. I don't know what I'm going to do.'
'Well, do anything you like,' Henry said amiably. 'As long as you stick pretty close to home.'
'I don't see what difference it would make if I '
'When you're worried about something,' said Henry abruptly, 'have you ever tried thinking in a different language?'
'What?'
It slows you down. Keeps your thoughts from running wild.
A good discipline in any circumstance. Or you might try doing what the Buddhists do.'
'What?'
'In the practice of Zen there is an exercise called zazen similar, I think, to the Theravadic practice of vipassana. One sits facing a blank wall. No matter the emotion one feels, no matter how strong or violent, one remains motionless. Facing the wall.
The discipline, of course, is in continuing to sit.'
There was a silence, during which I struggled for language to adequately express what I thought of this goofball advice.
'Now, listen,' he continued, before I could say anything. 'I'm exhausted. I'll see you in class tomorrow, all right?'
'Henry,' I said, but he'd hung up.
In a sort of trance, I walked upstairs. I wanted a drink badly but I had nothing to drink. I sat down on my bed and looked out the window.
My sleeping pills were all gone. I knew they were gone but I went to my bureau and checked the bottle just in case. It was empty except for some vitamin C tablets I'd got from the infirmary.
Little white pills. I poured them on my desk, arranged them in patterns and then I took one, hoping that the reflex of swallowing would make me feel better, but it didn't.
I sat very still, trying not to think. It seemed as if I was waiting for something, I wasn't sure what, something that would lift the tension and make me feel better, though I could imagine no possible event, in past, present, or future, that would have either effect. It seemed as if an eternity had passed. Suddenly, I was struck by a horrible thought: is this what it's like? Is this the way it's going to be from now on?
I looked at the clock. Scarcely a minute had gone by. I got up, not bothering to lock the door behind me, and went down the hall to Judy's room.
By some miracle, she was in – drunk, putting on lipstick. 'Hi,' she said, without glancing away from the mirror. 'Want to go to «a party?'
I don't know what I said to her, something about not feeling well.
'Have a bagel,' she said, turning her head from side to side and examining her profile.
'I'd rather a sleeping pill, if you've got one.'
She screwed the lipstick down, snapped on the top, then opened the drawer of her dressing table. It was not actually a dressing table but a desk, college-issue, just like the one in my room; but like some savage unable to understand its true purpose – transforming it into a weapon rack, say, or a flower-decked fetish – she had painstakingly turned it into a cosmetics area, with a glass top and a ruffled satin skirt and a three-way mirror on the top that lit up. Scrabbling through a nightmare of compacts and pencils, she pulled out a prescription bottle, held it to the light, tossed it into the trash can and selected a new one. 'This'll do,' she said, handing it to me.
I examined the bottle. There were two drab tablets at the bottom. All the label said was for pain.
I said, annoyed, 'What is this? Anacin or something?'
'Try one. They're okay. This weather's pretty wild, huh?'
