The Female Man

IV

Janet has begun to follow strange men on the street; whatever will become of her? She does this either out of curiosity or just to annoy me; whenever she sees someone who interests her, woman or man, she swerves automatically (humming a little tune, da-dum, da-dee) and continues walking but in the opposite direction. When Whileawayan 1 meets Whileawayan 2, the first utters a compound Whileawayan word which may be translated as “Hello-yes?” to which the answer may be the same phrase repeated (but without the rising inflection), “Hello- no.”

“Hello” alone, silence, or “No!”

“Hello-yes” means I wish to strike up a conversation, “Hello” means I don’t mind your remaining here but I don’t wish to talk; “Hello-no” Stay here if you like but don’t bother me in any way; silence I’d be much obliged if you’d get out of here; I’m in a foul temper. Silence accompanied by a quick shake of the head means I’m not ill- tempered but I have other reasons for wanting to be alone . “No!” means Get away or I’ll do that to you which you won’t like . (In contradistinction to our customs, it is the late-comer who has the moral edge, Whileawayan 1 having already got some relief or enjoyment out of the convenient bench or flowers or spectacular mountain or whatever’s at issue.) Each of these responses may be used as salutations, of course.

I asked Janet what happens if both Whileawayans say “No!”

“Oh” she says (bored), “they fight.”

“Usually one of us runs away,” she added.

Janet is sitting next to Laura Rose on my nubbly-brown couch, half-asleep, half all over her friend in a confiding way, her head resting on Laur’s responsible shoulder. A young she-tiger with a large, floppy cub. In her dozing Janet has shed ten years’ anxiety and twenty pounds of trying-to-impress-others; she must be so much younger and sillier with her own people; grubbing in the tomato patch or chasing lost cows; what Safety and Peace officers do is beyond me. (A cow found her way into the Mountainpersons’ common room and backed a stranger through a foam wall by trying to start a conversation—Whileawayans have a passion for improving the capacities of domestic animals—she kept nudging this visitor and saying “Friend? Friend?” in a great, wistful moo, like the monster in the movie, until a Mountainperson shooed her away: You don’t want to make trouble, do you, child? You want to be milked, don’t you? Come on, now.)

’Tell us about the cow,” says Laura Rose. “Tell Jeannine about it,” (who’s vainly trying to flow into the wall, O agony, those two women are touching) .

“No,” mutters Janet sleepily.

“Then tell us about the Zdubakovs,” says Laur.

“You’re a vicious little beast!” says Janet and sits bolt upright.

“Oh come on, giraffe,” says Laura Rose. “Tell!” She has sewn embroidered bunches of flowers all over her denim jacket and jeans with a red, red rose on the crotch, but she doesn’t wear these clothes at home, only when visiting.

“You are a damned vicious cublet,” said Janet. “I’ll tell you something to sweeten your disposition. Do you want to hear about the three-legged goat who skipped off to the North Pole?”

“No,” says Laur. Jeannine flattens like a film of oil; she vanishes dimly into a cupboard, putting her fingers in her ears.

“Tell!” says Laur, twisting my little finger. I bury my face in my hands. Ay, no. Ay, no. Laura must hear. She kissed my neck and then my ear in a passion for all the awful things I do as S & P; I straightened up and rocked back and forth. The trouble with you people is you get no charge from death. Myself, it shakes me all over. Somebody I’d never met had left a note saying the usual thing: ha ha on you, you do not exist, go away , for we are so bloody cooperative that we have this solipsistic underside, you see? So I went up-mountain and found her; I turned on my two-way vocal three hundred yards from criminal Elena Twason and said, “Well, well, Elena, you shouldn’t take a vacation without notifying your friends.”

“Vacation?” she says; “Friends? Don’t lie to me, girl. You read my letter,” and by this I began to understand that she hadn’t had to go mad to do this and that was terrible. I said, “What letter? Nobody found a letter.”

“The cow ate it,” says Elena Twason. “Shoot me. I don’t believe you’re there but my body believes; I believe that my tissues believe in the bullet that you do not believe in yourself, and that will kill me.”

“Cow?” says I, ignoring the rest, “what cow? You Zdubakovs don’t keep cows. You’re vegetable-and-goat people, I believe. Quit joking with me, Elena. Come back; you went botanizing and lost your way, that’s all.”

“Oh little girl,” she said, so off-hand, so good-humored, “little child, don’t deform reality. Don’t mock us both.” In spite of the insults, I tried again.

“What a pity,” I said, “that your hearing is going so bad at the age of sixty, Elena Twa. Or perhaps it’s my own. I thought I heard you say something else. But the echoes in this damned valley are enough to make anything unintelligible; I could have sworn that I was offering you an illegal collusion in an untruth and that like a sensible, sane woman, you were accepting.” I could see her white hair through the binoculars; she could’ve been my mother. Sorry for the banality, but it’s true. Often they try to kill you so I showed myself as best I could, but she didn’t move—exhausted? Sick? Nothing happened.

“Elena!” I shouted. “By the entrails of God, will you please come down!” and I waved my arms like a semaphore. I thought: I’// wait until morning at least. I can do that much. In my mind we changed places several times, she and I, both of us acting as illegally in our respective positions as we could, but I might be able to patch up some sort of story. As I watched her, she began to amble down the hillside, that little white patch of hair bobbing through the autumn foliage like deer’s tail. Chuckling to herself, idly swinging a stick she’d picked up: weak little thing, just a twig really, too dry to hit anything without breaking. I ambled ghostly beside her; it’s so pretty in the mountains at that time of year, everything burns and burns without heat. I think she was enjoying herself, having finally put herself, as it were, beyond the reach of consequences; she took her little stroll until we were quite close to each other, close enough to converse face to face, perhaps as far as I am from you. She had made herself a crown of scarlet maple leaves and put it on her head, a little askew because it was a little too big to fit. She smiled at me.

“Face facts,” she said. Then, drawing down the corners of her mouth with an ineffable air of gaiety and arrogance:

“Kill, killer.”

So I shot her.

Laur, who has been listening intently all this time, bloodthirsty little devil, takes Janet’s face in her hands. “Oh, come on. You shot her with a narcotic, that’s all. You told me so. A narcotic dart.”

“No,” said Janet. “I’m a liar. I killed her. We use explosive bullets because it’s almost always distance work. I have a rifle like the kind you’ve often seen yourself.”

“Aaaah!” is Laura Rose’s long, disbelieving, angry comment. She came over to me: “Do you believe it?” (I shall have to drag Jeannine out of the woodwork with both hands.) Still angry, Laur straddles the room with her arms clasped behind her back. Janet is either asleep or acting. I wonder what Laur and Janet do in bed; what do women think of women?

“I don’t care what either of you thinks of me,” says Laur. “I like it! By God, I like the idea of doing something to somebody for a change instead of having it done to me. Why are you in Safety and Peace if you don’t enjoy it!”

“I told you,” says Janet softly.

Laur said, “I know, someone has to do it. Why you?”

“I was assigned.”

Why? Because you’re bad! You’re tough.” (She smiles at her own extravagance. Janet sat up, wavering a little, and shook her head.)

“Dearest, I’m not good for much; understand that. Farm work or forest work, what else? I have some gift to unravel these human situations, but it’s not quite intelligence.”

“Which is why you’re an emissary?” says Laur. “Don’t expect me to believe  that.” Janet stares at my rug. She yawns, jaw-cracking. She clasps her hands loosely in her lap, remembering perhaps what it had been like to carry the body of a sixty-year-old woman down a mountainside: at first something you wept over, then something