The Butcher Boy

said and laughed: Don't worry, I will!

John McCormack I knew him. Da conducted in the air when he came on, cut big swathes of air with his index fingers. I laughed again. Then I saw it and when I did I nearly fainted, I don't know why I'd seen it plenty of times before. My legs went into legs of sawdust. Trot trot goes the sadeyed ass pulling the cart and away off into the misty green mountains and the blue clouds of far away. And right over the picture there in big black letters EMERALD GEMS OF IRELAND. I flicked through the pages over and over reading all the names and when I went to pay the music man I dropped the coins all over the place then I went into the whole story about Philip and Joe and everything it was like a cavalry charge of words coming out of my mouth I didn't know where they were all coming from. You'd think you were finished then over the hill would come a whole pile more yee haa wait till you hear this bit too. And all the way through he listened to everything I was saying and you could tell by his eyes that he wasn't really thinking I wish this Francie Brady would shut up about Joe Purcell or anything like that I knew he really wanted to hear it. For then he says the best thing of all. But of course there's a far better book than that available now. There it is behind you. A much better book. It was called A TREASURY OF IRISH MELODIES. There was no ass and cart on the front of it just an old woman in a shawl standing at a half-door staring at the sun going down behind the mountains. So this is better than the other book, I says. Oh yes says the music man, much better. I want to buy it! I says, all excited and what did I do only drop more coins all over the floor. The music man thought that was a good laugh. He had no intention of selling it to me. He was giving it to me. Its not every day I meet someone whose father could play the trumpet like yours, he says. Isn't it enough that you like the songs? Then he went away off humming a new tune to himself and parcelled it up for me. I just stared at the music man when he was handing it to me. Just wait till Joe sees this! I said. But he didn't get excited. If they started hammering on the window shouting the aliens are eating all the children in the town what would he do? He'd say: Right so. I'll be with you in a minute. I'll just lock up the shop first. He was the best man I ever met that old music man I kept looking at the book over and over and trying to see Joe's face as I handed it to him I wasn't sure which road to take for the school I went the wrong way a few times what do you think of this book I said to them its good they said yes I said, its for Joe Purcell, Emerald Gems is nothing compared to this one.

The black road twisted in and out of the curly countryside like a ribbon at the end of it was Joe's school and what was he going to say then: For fuck's sake Francie, you've done it again! Hey Joe! I'd shout. Saddle up! We're riding out! Yee-haa!

I was getting as bad as ma. Whiz this way then whiz the other way. I'll do this no I'll do that. The whiz again. I know – I'll think some more about Joe and the old days. But then, more laughing. Big whorly clouds made of ink powder riding the sky and the music book stuck in my back pocket. Then the school rising up out of the fields with all its yellow windows gleaming – another house of a hundred windows. But this time it was different, behind one of them windows was Joe and when I thought that I leaped so high I could have headed the moon like a football. Francie Brady plays for the town he's forty yards out he's thirty yards out twenty ten yards out its a long ball and the goalie's missed it and yes Francie Brady has scored a goal for the town Francie has scored a goal the moon is at the back of the net!

I had been tramping for over an hour before I seen it and then soon as I turn the corner what happens. Out go the lights. Phut!, every last one. Hey – what the hell do you think you're at up there, turning off them lights? Leave them on! How am I supposed to find Joe Purcell! Hey! Did you not hear me!

Then all of a sudden I thought: This is something to do with Mrs Nugent. She's heard about me going to see Joe and she has some plan up her sleeve. She's told the priests to switch off all the lights so they can lie in wait for me and when I'm finished running round the place like an eejit looking for him, she'll appear out of the shadows standing there with them, smiling: So you couldn't find him could you not? That's a pity Francis isn't it and then I knew that would be the end I'd never find him then. But then I started breaking my arse laughing it was such a stupid idea. Oh no, I said, this is one thing that Mrs Nugent isn't going to spoil!

I'd thought some things but that was the daftest yet.

I went round the back and nearly walked into a big bin full of brock you'd think with me being King of The Brock I'd have been able to see that! I was in behind the kitchens. Grr says a dog.

Fuck up I said but I managed to get past him all right. I could hear the toilets hissing. Hiss hiss, we can see you Francie. I kept checking the book to see that I still had it in my back pocket. Where did I end up only in a room full of football boots and the smell of sweaty oxters. Curse of fuck on this and I had to start again. Dant-a-dan! Along the wall. Don't move! Six soldiers out of nowhere cocking rifles, up against the wall so we have you at last Mr Brady! No, none of that, only snoring priests and bogmen but where were they? Not in here nothing only an empty bed and a cupboard full of medicine bottles. I think I'll have a look at these I said and shovelled a few coloured pills into my hand out of a little brown bottle. Gulp down the hatch they went. I wonder what they were. I don't know. Whee, I thought I heard someone shouting from the other end of the corridor you take a left then the next right Francie and you'll find him no problem. I turned round to thank him whoever it was but there was no one there. Then the pill said: Oh that was just me Francie. Pill, I said, you bastard! Now now Francie said the pill for that I'll just have to turn your feet to sponge. Squish squeesh along the tiles. What's this the biggest bell in the world sitting under the stairs. I said: Mrs Nugent if you're in behind that bell you had better come out. I know you're in there Mrs Nugent you can't fool me.

Then I started laughing I couldn't stop myself. It wasn't an ordinary laugh either it was a bogman laugh the way they laugh at nothing with snots coming out of their noses still laughing long after the joke is over. I says I know what I'll do I'll give this bell a whack and see what happens. I'd say it'd make enough noise to waken every boarding school bogman in the world even the ones who are completely deaf. Ready steady – fuck off! If I did that they'd be down on me like a ton of bricks and maybe give Joe the boot into the bargain. Oh no you don't pill you'll not make a cod of old Francie that easy. Pill, I said – have manners!

I was in a right state now with all this laughing I couldn't stop. Hmm I says I wonder what tricks Joe gets up to in this place. Sliding down the knotted sheets out of the dormitory and away off to midnight feasts in the boatshed I'll be bound! I say Purcell you bounder! You are a perfect cad! For fuck's sake! I wonder is there any secret passageways I said. Fall against the knob of a banister next thing aaaaaaaaaaah! and away off down a black corridor full of cobwebs and the skeletons of dead bogmen boys.

Up the stairs I went what's this, a wooden door creak creak Our Lord Jesus appearing out of nowhere in the dark, hanging on the cross – hello yes what can I do for you? I'm looking for Joe Purcell Jesus. Straight on up to the top of the stairs. Right so Jesus thank you.

What's all this I said, a hundred sleeping bogmen! But not for long. Wait till they seen me and Joe in action!

Da-dan!

Flick – on goes the light blazes away and them all gone chinky-eyed and pulling the clothes round them: What's goin' on who's puttin' on the lights? I nearly said: why its me – Algernon Carruthers of course!

When I thought that I doubled up again and all I could see was them staring at me. They were all saying to the perfect who is he you do something about it its your job and all this but he wasn't going to do anything he had the blankets pulled up the same as the rest of them.

I thumped my thigh with the rolled up music book: Joe! Where are you Joe Boy? I'm here! saddle up! We're ridin' out!

I shouted it for all I was worth and then I shouted it again in case he didn't hear me. As soon as I said that all the things I had ever worried about floated away like silk scarves in the breeze and I knew all I had to do now was wait for Joe and we were off and this time we'd be gone for good. It made me feel so good I shouted again: Joe. Yamma yamma yamma! Yamma yamma yamma!