in it alone, I thought like a frightened child. Again I felt the urge to rush to Rossi’s office door and knock briskly on it. Surely I’d find him sitting there turning over pages of manuscript in the pool of yellow light on his desk. I was perplexed, all over again, the way one is after a friend’s death, by the unreality of the situation, the impossibility it presented to the mind. In fact, I was as much puzzled as I was afraid, and my bewilderment increased my fear because I couldn’t recognize my usual self in that state.
As I pondered this, I glanced down at the neat piles of papers on my table. I had taken up a great deal of the surface with this spread. As a consequence, probably, no one had tried to sit down opposite me or to occupy any of the other chairs at the table. I was just wondering if I should gather up all of this work and walk home to continue there later when a young woman approached and seated herself at one end of the table. I saw, looking around, that the surrounding catalog tables were full to capacity and strewn with other people’s books, typescripts, card-catalog drawers, and notepads. She had no other place to sit, I realized, but I felt suddenly protective of Rossi’s documents; I dreaded the involuntary glance of a stranger’s eye on them. Did they look obviously mad? Or did I?
I was just about to gather the papers together, carefully, preserving their original order, and pack them away, just about to make those slow and polite movements with which you try falsely to assure the other person who has just sat down apologetically at the cafeteria table that you really were leaving anyway-when I suddenly noticed the book the young woman had propped up in front of her. She was already flipping through the center section of it, a notebook and pen lying ready at her elbow. I glanced from the book’s title to her face, in astonishment, and then at the other book she had set down nearby. Then I looked back at her face.
It was a young face but already aging very slightly and handsomely, with the light crinkling of skin I recognized around my own eyes in the mirror every morning, a barely veiled fatigue, so I knew she must be a graduate student. It was also an elegant, angular face that wouldn’t have been out of place in a medieval altar painting, saved from a pinched look by the delicate widening of cheekbones. Her complexion was pale but could have turned olive after a week in the sun. Her lashes were lowered toward the book, her firm mouth and spreading eyebrows somehow made alert by whatever her eyes followed on the page. Her dark, almost sooty hair sprang away from her forehead with more vigor than was fashionable in those tightly groomed days. The title of her reading, in this place of myriad inquiry-I looked again, again astonished-wasThe Carpathians. Under her dark-sweatered elbow rested Bram Stoker’sDracula.
At that moment, the young woman glanced up and met my gaze, and I realized I’d been staring directly at her, which must have been offensive. In fact, the dark, deep stare I got back- although her eyes also had a curious amber in their depths, like honey-was extremely hostile. I wasn’t what people still called then a ladies’ man; in fact I was something of a recluse. But I knew enough to feel ashamed, and I hurried to explain. Later I realized that her hostility was the defense of the striking-looking woman who is stared at again and again. “Excuse me,” I said quickly. “I couldn’t help noticing your books-I mean, what you’re reading.”
She stared unhelpfully back at me, keeping her book open in front of her, and raised the dark sweep of her eyebrows.
“You see, I’m actually studying the same subject,” I persisted. Her eyebrows rose a little higher, but I indicated the papers in front of me. “No, really. I’ve just been reading about -” I looked at the piles of Rossi’s documents in front of me and stopped abruptly. The contemptuous slant of her eyelids made my face grow warm.
“Dracula?” she said sarcastically. “Those appear to be primary sources you have got there.” She had a rich accent I couldn’t place, and her voice was soft, but library soft, as if it could spring into real strength when uncoiled.
I tried a different tactic. “Are you reading those for fun? I mean, for enjoyment? Or are you doing research?”
“Fun?” She kept the book open, still, maybe to discourage me with every possible weapon.
“Well, that’s an unusual topic, and if you’ve also gotten out a work on the Carpathians, you must be deeply interested in your subject.” I hadn’t spoken so quickly since the orals for my master’s degree. “I was just about to check that book out myself. Both of them, in fact.”
“Really,” she said. “And why is that?”
“Well,” I hazarded, “I’ve got these letters here, from-from an unusual historical source-and they mention Dracula. They’re about Dracula.”
A faint interest dawned inside her gaze, as if the amber light had won out and was turned reluctantly on me. She slumped slightly in her chair, relaxed into something like masculine ease, without taking her hands off her book. It struck me that this was a gesture I had seen a hundred times before, this slackening of tension that accompanied thought, this settling into a conversation. Where had I seen it?
“What are those letters, exactly?” she asked, in her quiet foreign voice. I thought with regret that I should have introduced myself and my credentials before getting into any of this. For some reason, I felt I couldn’t start over at this point-couldn’t suddenly put out my hand to shake hers and tell her what department I was in, and so on. It also occurred to me that I’d never seen her before, so she certainly wasn’t in history, unless she was new, a transfer from some other university. And should I lie to protect Rossi? I decided, at random, not to. I simply left his name out of the equation.
“I’m working with someone who’s-having some problems, and he wrote these letters more than twenty years ago. He gave them to me thinking I might be able to help him out of his current-situation-which has to do with-he studies, I mean he was studying -”
“I see,” she said with cold politeness. She stood up and started collecting her books, deliberately and without haste. Now she was picking up her briefcase. Standing, she looked as tall as I’d imagined her, a little sinewy, with broad shoulders.
“Why are you studying Dracula?” I asked in desperation.
“Well, I must say it is not any of your business,” she told me shortly, turning away, “but I am planning a future trip, although I do not know when I will take it.”
“To the Carpathians?” I felt suddenly rattled by the whole conversation.
“No.” She flung that last word back at me, disdainfully. And then, as if she couldn’t help herself, but so contemptuously that I didn’t dare follow her: “To Istanbul.”
“Good Lord,” my father prayed suddenly against the twittering sky. The last swallows were homing in above us, the town with its diminished lights settling heavily into the valley. “We shouldn’t be sitting around here with a hike ahead of us tomorrow. Pilgrims are supposed to turn in early, I’m sure. With the coming of dark, or something like that.”
I shifted my legs; one foot had fallen asleep under me and the stones of the churchyard wall felt suddenly sharp, impossibly uncomfortable, especially with the thought of bed looming ahead of me. I would have pins and needles on the stumbling walk downhill to the hotel. I felt a boiling irritation, too, far sharper than the sensations in my feet. My father had stopped his story too soon, again.
“Look,” my father said, pointing straight out from our perch. “I think that must be Saint-Matthieu.”
I followed his gesture to the dark, massed mountains and saw, halfway up, a small, steady light. No other light appeared close to it; no other habitation seemed anywhere near it. It was like a single spark on immense folds of black cloth, high up but not close to the highest peaks-it hung between the town and the night sky. “Yes, that’s just where the monastery must be, I think,” my father said again. “And we’ll have a real climb tomorrow, even if we go by the road.”
As we set off along moonless streets, I felt that sadness that comes with dropping down from a height, leaving anything lofty. Before we turned the corner of the old bell tower, I glanced back once, to pin that tiny spot of light in my memory. There it was again, gleaming above a house wall tumbled over with dark bougainvillea. Standing still for a moment, I looked hard at it. Then, just once, the light winked.
