to meet her in front of the building. A couple of neighborhood gang-bangers leaning on the front fence turned our way and got a laugh at our expense.
'Hey, beautiful,' I called. 'Sorry I'm late.'
'No problem. I was working too. Hey, Reu-ben! You jeal-ous, chico?' she called to one of the bangers propped against the fence.
He laughed and called back, 'You wish, Maria. You wish you had me 'stead of him.'
'Yeah, sure. In your dreams.'
We kissed – not a big show because we were in front of where she worked, and the bangers were there watching, but enough of a kiss to show we meant it. Then I took her work folders, and we started to the car.
'Carrying my books,' Maria teased. 'That's so cute, Alex.'
'I'll carry you if you want me to.'
'I missed you all day. Even more than usual,' she said, and smiled again. Then she tucked her face into my shoulder. 'I love you so much.'
Maria sagged in my arms first, and then I heard the gunshots. Two distant pops that didn't sound like much of anything. I never saw the shooter, no sign. I wasn't even sure which direction the shots had come from.
Maria whispered, 'Oh, Alex,' and then she got quiet and very still. I couldn't tell if she was breathing.
Before I realized what was happening, she slid away from me, down onto the sidewalk. I could see that she'd been hit in the chest, or high on her stomach. It was too dark and confusing to tell anything else for certain.
I tried to shield her, but then I saw a lot of blood pumping from her wound, so I picked her up in my arms and began to run.
Blood was all over me too. I think I was shouting, but I'm not sure exactly what happened after I realized Maria had been shot, and how bad it looked.
Close behind me, a couple of the gangbangers were tagging along. One of them was Reuben. Maybe they wanted to help. But I didn't know if anything could help Maria now. I was afraid she was dead in my arms.
Chapter 15
ST. ANTHONY'S HOSPITAL wasn't far away, and I was running as fast as I could with Maria bundled and sagging heavily in my arms. My heart, the rushing blood, created a loud roar in my ears, like being caught under or maybe inside an ocean wave that was about to crash over both of us and drown us on these city streets.
I was afraid I might trip and fall because my legs were wobbly and weak. But I also knew I couldn't go down, couldn't stop running until I was at the ER.
Maria hadn't made a sound since she had whispered my name. I was afraid, maybe in shock, and definitely affected by tunnel vision. Everything around me was a fuzzy blur that made the moment seem even more unreal.
But I was definitely running.
I reached Independence Avenue and finally saw St. Anthony's glowing red Emergency Room sign less than a block away
I had to stop for traffic, which was heavy and moving fast. I began to shout for help. From where I was standing, I could see a clique of hospital attendants huddled together, talking among themselves, but they hadn't seen me yet and couldn't hear me over the traffic noise.
There was no other choice, so I edged my way out onto the busy street.
Cars swerved and skidded around me, and a silver station wagon stopped completely. An exasperated father was at the wheel, kids leaning forward from the backseat. No one honked, maybe because they could see Maria in my arms. Or maybe it was the look on my face. Panic, despair, whatever it was.
More cars braked to let me through.
I was thinking to myself, We're going to make it. I told Maria, 'We're at St. Anthony's. You're going to be all right, sweetheart. We're almost there. Hang on, we're almost at the hospital. I love you.'
I reached the other side of the street, and Maria's eyes suddenly blinked wide open. She looked at me, peered deeply into my eyes. At first she seemed confused, but then she focused on my face.
'Oh, I do love you, Alex,' Maria said, and she gave me that wonderful wink of hers. Then my sweet girl's eyes closed for the last time, and she was gone forever from me. Even while I was standing there holding on to her for dear life.
Chapter 16
MARIA SIMPSON CROSS DIED in my arms – which was something I told almost no one, except Sampson and Nana Mama.
I didn't want to talk about our last few moments together; I didn't want anyone's pity, or their prying. I didn't want to satisfy some people's need for petty gossip, the latest dramatic story to whisper in hushed tones. All through the murder investigation over the next several months, I never discussed what had happened in front of St. Anthony's. That was between Maria and me. Sampson and I talked to hundreds of people, but nobody gave us a lead on her killer. The trail went cold fast and stayed that way. We checked out the crazy mob killer but discovered he'd been on a flight back to New York the previous night – apparently he left town shortly after he left my kitchen. The FBI helped us there because a cop's wife had been shot. The killer wasn't the Butcher.
At two o'clock the morning after she died, I was inside our apartment, still wearing my holster and gun, pacing the living room with a screaming Janelle in my arms. I couldn't get the idea out of my head that our baby girl was crying for her mother, who had died that night just outside St. Anthony's, where Jannie had been born six months before.
Suddenly tears were rolling from my eyes, and I felt overwhelmed by what had happened, both the reality and the unreality of it. I couldn't deal with any of this, but especially the baby girl I was holding, and whom I couldn't get to stop crying.
'It's all right, baby. It's all right,' I whispered to my poor girl, who was being tortured by the insidious croup and who probably wanted to be in her mother's arms rather than mine. 'It's all right, Jannie, it's all right,' I repeated, though I knew it was a lie. I was thinking, It's not all right! Your mama is gone. You'll never see her anymore. Neither will I. Dear, sweet Maria, who had never hurt another person that I could remember and whom I loved more than my own life. She had been taken away from us so suddenly and for no reason anyone – not even God – could ever explain to me.
Oh, Maria, I spoke to her as I walked back and forth carrying our baby, how could this have happened? How can I do what I have to do from now on? How can I do it without you? I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just crazed right now. I'll get it together. I'll get it together, I promise. Just not tonight.
I knew she wouldn't answer me, but it was strangely comforting to imagine that Maria could talk back, that maybe she could hear me at least. I kept hearing her voice, the exact sound of it and the words. You'll be fine, Alex, because you love our kids so much.
'Oh, Jannie, you poor baby. I do love you,' I whispered against the top of our baby's damp, overheated head.
And then I saw Nana Mama.
Chapter 17
MY GRANDMOTHER WAS STANDING in the doorway of the hall leading to the apartment's two small bedrooms. Arms folded, she'd been watching me all this time. Had I been talking to myself? Talking out loud? I had no idea what I'd been doing.
