Baby remembered all her pictures and that’s why she didn’t have to keep them. They were all pictures of machines and gear-trains and mechanical linkages and what looked like electric circuits and things like that. I never thought too much about them.
I went out with Lone to get some turpentine and a couple of picnic hams one time. We went through the woods to the railroad track and down a couple of miles to where we could see the glow of a town. Then the woods again, and some alleys, and a back street.
Lone was like always, walking along, thinking, thinking.
We came to a hardware store and he went up and looked at the lock and came back to where I was waiting, shaking his head. Then we found a general store. Lone grunted and we went and stood in the shadows by the door. I looked in.
All of a sudden Beanie was in there, naked like she always was when she travelled like that. She came and opened the door from the inside. We went in and Lone closed it and locked it.
‘Get along home, Beanie,’ he said,’ before you catch your death.’
She grinned at me and said, ‘Ho-ho,’ and disappeared.
We found a pair of fine hams and a two-gallon can of turpentine. I took a bright yellow ballpoint pen and Lone cuffed me and made me put it back.
‘We only take what we need,’ he told me.
After we left, Beanie came back and locked the door and went home again. I only went with Lone a few times, when he had more to get than he could carry easily.
I was there about three years. That’s all I can remember about it. Lone was there or he was out, and you could hardly tell the difference. The twins were with each other most of the time. I got to like Janie a lot, but we never talked much. Baby talked all the time, only I don’t know what about.
We were all busy and we bleshed.
I sat up on the couch suddenly.
Stern said, ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing’s the matter. This isn’t getting me any place.’
‘You said that when you’d barely started. Do you think you’ve accomplished anything since then?’
‘Oh, yeah, but- ‘
‘Then how can you be sure you’re right this time?’ When I didn’t say anything, he asked me, ‘Didn’t you like this last stretch?’
I said angrily, ‘I didn’t like or not like. It didn’t mean nothing. It was just – just talk.’
‘So what was the difference between this last session and what happened before?’
‘My gosh, plenty! The first one, I felt everything. It was all really happening to me. But this time – nothing.’
‘Why do you suppose that was?’
‘I don’t know. You tell me.’
‘Suppose,’ he said thoughtfully, ‘that there was some episode so unpleasant to you that you wouldn’t dare relive it.’
‘Unpleasant? You think freezing to death isn’t unpleasant?’
‘There are all kinds of unpleasantness. Sometimes the very thing you’re looking for – the thing that’ll clear up your trouble – is so revolting to you that you won’t go near it. Or you try to hide it. Wait,’ he said suddenly, ‘maybe „revolting” and „unpleasant” are inaccurate words to use. It might be something very desirable to you. It’s just that you don’t want to get straightened out.’
‘I
He waited as if he had to clear something up in his mind, and then said, ‘There’s something in that „Baby is three” phrase that bounces you away. Why is that?’
‘Damn if I know.’
‘Who said it?’
‘I dunno… uh…’
He grinned. ‘Uh?’
I grinned back at him. ‘I said it.’
‘Okay. When?’
I quit grinning. He leaned forward, then got up.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked.
He said, ‘I didn’t think anyone could be that mad.’ I didn’t say anything. He went over to his desk. ‘You don’t want to go on any more, do you?’
‘No.’
‘Suppose I told you you want to quit because you’re right on the very edge of finding out what you want to know?’
‘Why don’t you tell me and see what I do?’
He just shook his head. ‘I’m not telling you anything. Go on, leave if you want to. I’ll give you back your change.’
‘How many people quit just when they’re on top of the answer?’
‘Quite a few.’
‘Well, I ain’t going to.’ I lay down.
He didn’t laugh and he didn’t say, ‘Good,’ and he didn’t make any fuss about it. He just picked up his phone and said, ‘Cancel everything for this afternoon,’ and went back to his chair, up there out of my sight.
It was very quiet in there. He had the place soundproofed.
I said,’ Why do you suppose Lone let me live there so long when I couldn’t do any of the things that the other kids could?’
‘Maybe you could.’
‘Oh, no,’ I said positively. ‘I used to try. I was strong for a kid my age and I knew how to keep my mouth shut, but aside from those two things I don’t think I was any different from any kid. I don’t think I’m any different right now, except what difference there might be from living with Lone and his bunch.’
‘Has this anything to do with „Baby is three”?’
I looked up at the grey ceiling. ‘Baby is three. Baby is three. I went up to a big house with a winding drive that ran under a sort of theatre-marquee thing. Baby is three. Baby…’
‘How old are you?’
‘Thirty-three,’ I said, and the next thing you know I was up off that couch like it was hot and heading for the door.
Stern grabbed me. ‘Don’t be foolish. Want me to waste a whole afternoon?’
‘What’s that to me? I’m paying for it.’
‘All right, it’s up to you.’
I went back. ‘I don’t like any part of this,’ I said.
‘Good. We’re getting warm then.’
‘What made me say „Thirty-three”? I ain’t thirty-three. I’m fifteen. And another thing…’
‘Yes?’
‘It’s about that „Baby is three.” It’s me saying it, all right. But when I think about it – it’s not my voice.’
‘Like thirty-three’s not your age?’
‘Yeah,’ I whispered.
‘Gerry,’ he said warmly, ‘there’s nothing to be afraid of.’
I realized I was breathing too hard. I pulled myself together. I said, ‘I don’t like remembering saying things in somebody else’s voice.’
‘Look,’ he told me. ‘This head-shrinking business, as you called it a while back, isn’t what most people think. When I go with you into the world of your mind – or when you go yourself, for that matter – what we find isn’t so very different from the so-called real world. It seems so at first, because the patient comes out with all sorts of fantasies and irrationalities and weird experiences. But everyone lives in that kind of world. When one of the ancients coined the phrase „truth is stranger than fiction”, he was talking about that.
‘Everywhere we go, everything we do, we’re surrounded by symbols, by things so familiar we don’t ever look
